A NICE PLACE TO DRINK.

Where would civilized society be without laws and rules? As much as we all like to be free to do what we want, men and women really need boundaries, order and regulations to function well. Otherwise we’d act impulsively, rashly and impetuously…kind of like a Sicilian Cousin’s Club. We’d live in a society doing what it wants, when it wants without any thought of the consequences of our actions? Sounds like fun doesn’t it?

If left to our own devices we’d all act on our whims; without regard to our fellow man. It’d be complete bedlam - brainless, imbecilic, absurd, and witless…much like the U.N. Security Counsel.

Sometimes society and authorities go too far in trying to regulate our behavior. Laws are passed and ordinances put into effect that is not only ridiculous but onerous. Nebraska has a law that calls for the penalty of 12-years in prison for mispronouncing the word “diphthong.” Maine has an ordinance on the books that prohibits the fondling of one’s loafer in a movie theater. Alaska prohibits the removing of a dog’s vital organs with a stick. I mean, come on – do we really need to clog up our courts with prosecutions like these?

Occasionally, a law is passed that not only makes good sense but protects everyone. Pierre, the state capitol of South Dakota, (which was named after a French circus midget who wrote the drama “A Mother’s Gums.”) – has done just that. The state’s lawmakers decided that it’s better to have drunks on horses and bicycles instead of behind the wheel of an auto or truck. They decided to exempt horses and bikes from drunker driving laws, meaning intoxicated people who either pedal or saddle up to get home after a night at the bar cannot be arrested for drunker driving. Obviously South Dakota politicos don’t waste their time on unimportant issues like: balancing the budget, homeless people, lousy schools, crime, and school prayer. No, they felt this new ordinance will make the roads safer for other motorists and if they dealt with the State’s real problems they’d all get migraines.

“If I have to choose…a problem drunk with 1,500 pound or 2,000 pounds of metal coming at 50 miles a hour or a two-wheel Schwinn, I’m gonna win and my family is gonna win,” said a lawmaker. “I can’t believe that a horse is gonna intentionally run into anything.” Obviously, this state senator has never been to a rodeo. Prosecutors opposed the bill, pointing out that there have been arrests in several counties for riding horses while intoxicated. They don’t say what the horses were drinking.

There was even a case in which a drunken rider passed out and his horse was struck by a car when the nag failed to signal for a left turn. There have been no reported incidents where a horse was run over by a drunken five-speed bike. In order to calm everyone’s nerves, legislators said prosecutors still can charge drunken riders on horses and bicycles. Instead of drunken driving, they can be charged with disorderly conduct and riding side-saddle without a license.

I like progressive and far-thinking communities and may move to Pierre as long as I can’t be arrested for drunken walking or line dancing.