SAVE A CHICKEN.

In an attempt to follow truth in advertising guidelines the Geezer has to admit that he isn’t an animal person. Most people are but not moi. I once went out and spent a lot of money on a tank filled with rare, tropical fish. They were nice to look at but lousy conversationalists. After a while it became apparent that something was wrong with the fish. I called a vet and after examining them his diagnoses was that they suffered from rheumatism and had to live in a dryer climate.

This experience kind of disillusioned me with regard to pets and animals. The Old G. is a rarity since most people I know have too many yappy dogs, unfriendly cats and even a few vulgar speaking parrots. The truth is I am probably not conscientious enough to own a pet. Owners have huge responsibilities to care and feed their furry friends. Their pets basically run their lives and become members of the family. None of that good stuff is of any attraction to me. Shallow be my name.

However, I have been known to shed a tear when hearing about some pet that rescues its owners from a burning building or goes for help when its owner is in a dangerous spot. That’s just terrific and those brave, intelligent pets should be rewarded, praised and given a raise. Do pets get allowances?

It’s obvious, even to me, that pet owners bond with their animals and would sacrifice their own lives to protect their charges. This probably comes from the unquestioned and total love that they get from these beasts. I can dig it but from a distance. I just read about a pet lover from Arkadelphia, Arkansas who I think went beyond the call of duty. First, let me state that denizens of Arkadelphia are not noted for their brilliance. Otherwise they would spell Philadelphia correctly. Here’s what happened:

A women living in this metropolis saved her brother’s exotic chicken, Boo Boo. Did you know that a chicken can be “exotic”? What exactly does an exotic chicken do? The fan dance? And, why would anyone name a chicken, Boo Boo? See what I mean about the folks living in this hamlet? Back to the story: this woman administered ‘mouth-to-beak” resuscitation on the fowl after it was found floating face down in the family pond. I guess sometimes a chicken does have lips, just not her own.

The woman, a retired nurse, said she hadn’t had any practice with CPR in years, but that she was interested to see of she “still had it.” If she didn’t she certainly got it after lip-locking the chicken. “I breathed into its beak, and its dad-gum eyes popped open,” she said. “I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. I said, I think this chicken’s alive now.” Can you imagine the shock Boo Boo must have had finding some old, wrinkled nurse French kissing it? My eyes would pop open, also. Can you imagine anything more disgusting than breathing into a stupid chicken’s gullet?

The woman claims that she was pleased to find that the bird she saved was an “exotic,” not just an ordinary chicken. The chicken is called Boo Boo, because she is easily frightened. So, it turns out that she saved a “chicken” chicken. The damn thing probably thinks it’s a duck and that’s why it went swimming. Call me shallow and superficial but doing CPR on a bird is crazy and sickening. I may never order chicken in a restaurant again.