DEAR OLD MOM.

Mothers are the most unappreciated and overworked humans on earth. They have to juggle more things than an Enron accountant. Keep a boring, overweight, dull husband happy. See that their off-springs don’t make The Most Wanted List. Moms seem to be at fault if their children are neurotic, anti-social and destructive beings. Every shrink hears the cries about “Mother made me what I am. It’s her fault.” Bull-crap: stop blaming and start taking responsibility for what you’ve done and become you pinhead.

And, what do Mother’s get for raising kids, keeping their husband responsibly happy and running a household? One lousy day a year, “Mother’s Day,” we buy her a lousy box of Sees candy and take her to an early, inexpensive dinner at Applebee’s. The hell with that. It’s because of this neglect that I never gave birth to any children.

Mother’s worry themselves sick about their kids. Their work is never done and rarely acknowledged. Just the other day a Tanzanian mother went into hysterics and almost committed suicide because she felt she failed her newborn. Why? The mother found her six-month-old baby suckling a dog’s milk. She had left her son on a mat while she went to hang clothes in the yard of her Dar Es Salaam home. This lady didn’t expect her husband to buy her an expensive washer or dryer…she was content with the old smash the wet clothes on a rock routine, bless her.

When she came back to find him suckling on the dog, she screamed and rushed to her brother’s house to borrow a poisoned blow dart. After many hours the brother managed to convince her dog’s milk was harmless. “Since that day the baby is doing well and hadn’t had diarrhea or any sign of illness,” he said. “The baby was satisfied, since his belly was full.”

No one asked the dog’s opinion about being used as a milk spigot. The mother didn’t even throw it a spare bone. The baby hasn’t had many ill-effects from the incident, although the baby now goes around sniffing the bong-hole of all the family members; will only play with a chew-stick and loves to chase a ball. The little boy’s left leg goes crazy when his stomach is rubbed.

It’s obvious that this poor Mom panicked for no reason although her reaction was understandable. It’s good to report that Mom and her son Spot are doing just fine and he is expected to be house-trained in a couple of weeks.