SELL, BABY, SELL....

As a way to attract tourists many cities have created sayings extolling the city’s virtues. “See Naples And Die,” was a famous one and a play was written with that name in the title. The idea was once you’ve seen the sun set over Naples there was nothing else you needed in life. Catchy saying although it would have been true if you drank the water there or insulted a Neapolitan woman by complimenting her mustache.

There are many other boasts that cities use in order to bring in the tourist dollar or euro. Girocaster, Albania: “You haven’t lived until you’ve had sex with one of our sheep.” Boznia Herzegovina: “Visit our War Criminals Hall of Fame.” Copenhagen, Denmark: “Draw a Cartoon of Mohammed and Watch Your Home Burn.” Jonestown, Guyana: “Drink some Cool-Aide with Jim Jones.”

Australia has just launched a new $133 million advertising campaign which seeks to attract international tourists. Although the Island is a popular resort location the Australian government wants even more visitors. They even tried building their own Tsunami hoping to get tourists’ washed up on their beaches but the experiment failed. Remember the highly successful “Put another shrimp on the Barbie” tourism campaign of the 1980s, which featured singlet-wearing comedian Paul Hogan? That lured an estimated 250,000 American tourists to Australia. When the gullible Americans found out a shrimp wasn’t to be put on some sexy, nude nymphomaniac named “Barbie” they grabbed their crotches and yelled, “Barbie this!” and stopped coming.

Something new and outlandish had to be tried. Selling tourism became an obsession. With tongue in cheek and fingers crossed – the ad campaign takes a new tack – instead of loudly singing Australia’s blessings the ads swear at tourists. “Where the bloody hell are you?” asks one TV ad. The campaign will target potential tourists in China, Japan, India, the United States, Germany and Britain. Some advertising maven, who must have relatives in the Mafia, believes that you can threaten and curse tourists into parting with their money.

One of the ads says, “We’ve poured you a beer and we’ve had the camels shampooed, we’ve saved you a spot on the beach – where a poisonous jelly fish will fry your bloody gonads.” “Chicken to swim with the sharks? Bloody sissy.” To the Puritans in Australian society who object to the word “bloody” being used many more believe the advertisements are very effective. “This is presenting Australia as we are. We’re plain-speaking, we’re friendly and we’re usually drunk out of our skulls.”

If this abusive comedy campaign works it might open new arenas for Don Rickles and wannabe insult comedians. Put down sales pitches might become the norm. Even if Prime Minister John Howard might not understand being called a “hockey-puck.”