A HUNTING WE WILL GO.....

I am not one to subscribe to the idiot notion that, “guns don’t kill people, people do.” That’d be like saying germ warfare doesn’t kill people, the wind carrying it does.” How about, “beauty is only skin deep?” Show me a sexy, beautiful spleen and then we can talk.

I don’t get hunting as a hobby. There is nothing attractive by sitting in a duck blind filled with cold, dirty water and feeling your gonads shrink to the size of a bee-bee waiting for an innocent duck to show its quack. I’d rather stick my wet nose in an electric socket that spend the day next to some fat, tobacco chewing, crotch scratching hunter. I don’t care how pretty she might be. Besides, camouflage doesn’t match my eyes. The only gun I will ever own is one that when you pull the trigger a flag pops out of the barrel and has “Bang!” written on it.

Despite the publicity that Vice President Dick Cheney received from shooting a hunting buddy in the kisser I want no part of it. If the Veep couldn’t tell the difference between a five o’clock shadow and some quail there is something very wrong with the idea of hunting for harmless animal. For those who point out that man has always hunted for food, I say there also is often a beverage involved.

Hunting is damned dangerous. Every year we read about hunting accidents in which innocent people are mistakenly shot and killed. There are hundreds of them and that’s not counting innocent trees and fences. Some farmers have gone so far as to paint their animals so that cross-eyed, drunken shooters won’t mistake their cow or lama for a goose. I suggest that those farmers just paint a target on their pets because it’s obvious that most men and women hunting couldn’t hit one.

Golden Township, Michigan just recorded one of those accidental hunting mishaps. A man was shot and injured when his hunting partner mistook his ELBOW for a squirrel. Think about that – mistaking an elbow for a squirrel. Gives you goose bumps doesn’t it? I wonder if there’s a hunting season for body parts? Does one need a license while stalking a gall bladder?

The victim was wearing the latest in camouflage clothing except for an orange hat. His clothed elbow was all of him that was visible when his friend approached from behind the tree and fired his weapon blasting the elbow apart. Ask yourself this question, does an elbow really look like a squirrel? The wounded chap was rushed to the hospital where doctors told him that he would never pitch in the big leagues again. In that he had never thrown a baseball in his life the man cried hysterically for a while but recovered.

The shooter asked his friend if he could have and mount the useless elbow on his trophy wall next to a bullet ridden sign, saying, “No parking,” and a head of lettuce which the shooter got between the eyes…or salad as the case may be.

For those of you who still believe that guns don’t kill people I think you’ll admit that they’re getting a bit close for comfort. Is it too unreasonable to suggest that people who insist on hunting prove that they can operate a weapon safely and pass an eye examination? Except, of course, if you are Polish – when asked to read an eye chart most Poles will say, “Read it, hell I know that guy.”