DON'T TANGLE WITH YOUR DANGLE

There is very disturbing news out of London’s St. Peter’s Andrology Center. For those of you ninnies who don’t know what Androgen means – it is a male sex hormone that can give rise to masculine characteristics. Obviously Webster’s dictionary has hired comedians to explain words. “Rise” and “male sex characteristics” is funny even if it’s sadly underachieved in too many cases

Since time immemorial men – all men – have had a hang-up – with the size or lack of size of their male member. There’s no sense beating (funny how many words seem dirty when discussing this) around the bush, men are obsessed with it. Let me be very clear, the Geezer is not among them. I am very comfortable and satisfied with my penis size. I know that most of the women I have been with were just being playful when they pointed and broke into giggles when I disrobed. I even forgave my ex-wife when she began singing, “Is that all there is?” on our honeymoon.

Newspapers have pages of advertisements for penile enlargement. The internet is clogged with incessant spam hyping penis enlargement surgery. Why? You don’t find the same obsessive sales pitches for vagina enlargement or reduction. Men are obviously suckers (there I go again) when it comes (forgive me) to accepting their endowment. They're so insecure that they make up hundreds of euphemisms for their penis: “Johnson, wad, Hebrew national, salami, Herman, big guy…and even purple headed love machine.” Women don't do that. I've never heard a woman say, "Want to kiss my Little Bo-Peep?" Many scientists postulate that males refuse to recognize it for what it is: “a, teeny-tiny, useless, flaccid piece of skin that never rises to the occasion.” Once my scientist mother explained all this to me I accepted that truth and hid in a clothes hamper until I was 25-years old.

The St. Peter’s study found that most men who have had penis enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the results. “For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis – particularly if it is normal size – there is little point in offering them surgery because it makes no difference,” said the chief urologist at the Center. “Makes no difference!” The saddest words the victims…ur,…I mean, post-operative patients could hear.

“The average increase in length is 1.3 centimeters (or half an inch) which isn’t very much and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of 70 percent,” he said. He added that spam e-mails advertising penis enlargement surgery were inaccurate and gave men unrealistic expectations. Amen. Law enforcement authorities should get after these inaccurate, exuberant and prevaricated claims. Wouldn’t you consider an operation if it promised you, a: ten-foot pole, a huge Cyprus tree, another leg, a Tom Jones extension, a bundle of joy, a fungo bat,, etc., etc.

Rather than having surgery, he and his colleagues, who reported the findings in the Journal of European Schmutz, said that the men should be referred for psychological counseling. “We now know that the majority of these patients are dissatisfied after these procedures. Research should be directed toward non-surgical options.” Among them being considered are female blindfolds and 3-D magnifying glasses.

The bottom line is, accept and be satisfied with what and who you are. If your nakedness causes hysterical laughter consider it a blessing and a talent, but turn the lights off fast.