SIT DOWN YOU'RE ROCKING THE BOAT.

I’m going to tell you a story. Once upon a time….Oooops! Wrong story. I’ll try again. Let me set the scene. But first you are going to have to suspend credulity to believe this story. I am not making this up it actually happened. It only proves the old saying that a schmuck is born every minute. Ready? Take a deep breath.

This fairy tale took place in the lovely hamlet of Atascadero, California. It didn’t involve 3 little bears or a blonde named Goldilocks. It involved a retired salesman with the brain of a one celled animal. Without any doubt this fellow qualifies as a certified moron. He’s the kind of guy who would use frequent flier miles to go to Afghanistan.

He called the police and charged that a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. Do you detect something strange in his story? Most strippers work in some sleazy bar or topless joint not someone’s home, eh? He alleged that he was on his way – ready? – To Bible class when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram. Praise the Lord! If I thought a stripper would offer to get naked for me I’d go the Bible class, too. Perhaps this stripper was into numerology and his house number coincided with her moon being in Jupiter’s shadow. Nah! I told you this story was going to be hard to believe but no one could make this stuff up.

When this Bible class dunce agreed to let her perform – something all charitable Christian men in the same situation would do – her knife wielding boyfriend allegedly forced his way inside and told this pious, and righteous innocent that he owed the stripper, who owns a business called Bikini Assassins, money for earlier “services”. Do you think the bikini assassin had visited him to maybe polish his bible? Our “so-called” victim admitted to police that he owed Ms. Murphy money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex. Maybe the yokel was reading passages from The Book of Revelations as foreplay. Hey, that would get any sexpot excited.

The knife wielding boyfriend tied our ‘hero’ up while Maureen went upstairs to find valuables and returned instead with his thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction. The pair then tried to take his car but it was out of gas and they had to hoof it. Can you imagine the chutzpah he had to report this obviously embarrassing episode to the police? Why didn’t he keep his mouth shut and take his medicine? Oh, she had taken it, right. I’m sure this upstanding fellow’s churchgoers must have been thrilled to find out that he frequented hookers and liked to wear thong undies while in church. Do you think the sermon that Sunday was on the benefits of erectile dysfunction medication as read in the Old Testament?

The two criminals were locked up and charged with theft…and dancing without a license. Instead of keeping his mouth shut about trying to stiff a working girl out of her hard (something he wouldn’t know about) earned money he screamed like a mouse stepped on by an elephant and told the world that he was as phony as a pop-up bible.

I don’t even think a Church bingo game or cake sale could save this yutz from going straight to hell in his thong jockey shorts.