LOVE YOUR ANIMAL.
There’s a great saying that for every man there’s a woman. Is it true? Probably….maybe….nah! If it was, why are there so many people hanging around piano bars wearing outlandish outfits and practicing pick-up lines? I had to stop using my favorite one, “I understand egg futures are up.” Why are they desperately subscribing to dating services and internet love sites? Most of them promise that you will find your love match for only 12-thousand dollars a month. Whatever your particular needs or desires are they will fulfill them. If you are looking for a woman who will allow you to have sex with her while she is eating a plate of watercress – look no further. Looking for an albino dwarf? Just sign up. Wanting to meet a sex goddess with dengue fever, look no more.
I can speak from personal experience that most of these internet ‘meat markets’ are fakes. I joined one after signing over my house, filling out the boring application and waited with baited breath for the woman of my dreams. One whiff of my baited breath was enough to scare off a lot of them. They guaranteed that if within six months I didn’t find my soul mate they would refund my money. When I called to get my refund they had moved offices to Calcutta. Big surprise! It’s not like I was looking to find someone unusual. I described her as resembling the love child of Jesse Helms and Grace Slick.
This rant was occasioned by a story that just proves that some people are destined to go through life endlessly searching for ‘their true love.’ A 20-year-old man from Wisconsin thought he had found his ‘love goddess’ but the police objected and arrested him. Damned Gestapo! When they found out that this young, lonely venison lover had sex last month with a dead deer they slapped him into jail. They claim that he’s a serial nutcase because he had previously served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault. Okay, okay, maybe young Mr. Hathaway is a tad strange….
His lawyer filed a court motion arguing that since the deer was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rap for sexual gratification with an animal. “The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” his attorney claimed. The judge in the case is actually studying the lawyer’s claim. Obviously, the lawyer and judge should be disbarred and tarred and feathered, but authorities are afraid that if Hathaway spots them with feathers on he might just try and boink them.
If our animals aren’t safe from some loved-starved lunatic there is only one solution. Speaker Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats in the House should immediately pass a law prohibiting humans having sex with dead animals. The hell with minimum wage, health care and funding the war in Iraq – write your congressperson and insist they bar anyone from getting to third base with possums, alligators and other critters.
I can speak from personal experience that most of these internet ‘meat markets’ are fakes. I joined one after signing over my house, filling out the boring application and waited with baited breath for the woman of my dreams. One whiff of my baited breath was enough to scare off a lot of them. They guaranteed that if within six months I didn’t find my soul mate they would refund my money. When I called to get my refund they had moved offices to Calcutta. Big surprise! It’s not like I was looking to find someone unusual. I described her as resembling the love child of Jesse Helms and Grace Slick.
This rant was occasioned by a story that just proves that some people are destined to go through life endlessly searching for ‘their true love.’ A 20-year-old man from Wisconsin thought he had found his ‘love goddess’ but the police objected and arrested him. Damned Gestapo! When they found out that this young, lonely venison lover had sex last month with a dead deer they slapped him into jail. They claim that he’s a serial nutcase because he had previously served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault. Okay, okay, maybe young Mr. Hathaway is a tad strange….
His lawyer filed a court motion arguing that since the deer was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rap for sexual gratification with an animal. “The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” his attorney claimed. The judge in the case is actually studying the lawyer’s claim. Obviously, the lawyer and judge should be disbarred and tarred and feathered, but authorities are afraid that if Hathaway spots them with feathers on he might just try and boink them.
If our animals aren’t safe from some loved-starved lunatic there is only one solution. Speaker Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats in the House should immediately pass a law prohibiting humans having sex with dead animals. The hell with minimum wage, health care and funding the war in Iraq – write your congressperson and insist they bar anyone from getting to third base with possums, alligators and other critters.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 1:21 PM
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