DON'T FLY!!!!

AIRLINES ARE AT THE BREAKING POINT. THEY ARE CLOSING FASTER THAN A HOOKER’S LEGS WHO YOU TRY TO PAY WITH MONOPOLY MONEY.

WITH THE UNBELIEVABLY HIGH PRICE OF FUEL – GOD, BLESS OPEC – MAY THEY ALL INHERIT HOTELS WITH THOUSANDS OF ROOMS AND BE FOUND DEAD IN EACH OF THEM – AIRLINES HAVE BECOME THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE WAY OF TRAVEL. PERSONALLY, I’M BUYING ROLLER SKATES….MINE WILL NEED CURB FEELERS!

THE PERCENTAGE OF LOST BAGGAGE IS NOW HIGHER THAN SOME OF THE JUDGES ON ‘AMERICAN IDOL,’ FLIGHTS ARE CANCELLED WITHOUT WARNING; DEPARTURES AND AARIVALS ARE USUALLY A CHANCY THING; THEY HAVE PACKED PASSENGERS IN SO CLOSELY THAT INSTEAD OF EMERGENCY FLOATS THEY OFFER CONDOMS. THE SEATS ARE SO NARROW THAT PEOPLE ARE SITTING ON EACH OTHER’S LAPS – WHAT USED TO BE CALLED MEALS – BUT IN REALITY WERE VOMIT BAG CONTENTS – HAVE BEEN DISCONTINUED.

NOW THE AIR CARRIERS ARE GOING TO START CHARGING FOR CHECKED BAGGAGE. NOT EXTRA BAGGAGE – JUST THE ONE BAG PASSENGERS WERE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO CHECK FREE. THEY ARE NOW THREATENING TO CHARGE OVERWEIGHT PASSENGERS MONEY PENALTIES FOR THEIR ROLLS OF FAT. WEIGHT WATCHER REJECTS AND JENNY CRAIG DROP-OUTS WILL HAVE TO MORTGAGE THEIR HOMES IN ORDER TO GET ON A FLIGHT. WITH ALL THESE INSULTS AND ABUSES – WHY WOULD ANY SANE PERSON FLY?

THERE IS ONE ANSWER TO THIS GROWING PROBLEM. BRING BACK PROP PLANES. THEY USE LESS FUEL AND WHEN THEY WERE IN SERVICE THE STEWARDESS’ WERE SEXY AND YOUNG. SURE IT WILL TAKE A LITTLE LONGER TO ARRIVE IN CLEVELAND – BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THE HURRY, ANYWAY?