BE SURE YOUR HEM IS STRAIGHT.

If you are adamantly set on a career in crime I have a few tips that you might find useful. I beg you, however, not to be obstinate and intractable about this new occupation. There are many downsides to being a wicked, nefarious felon. Spending most of your life in the slammer making license plates for a living is just one fate that faces you. You also better like eating soggy Wonder Bread.

The Geezer understands a desire for many people to shake things up. To try newer and different things by way of occupation or avocation. Often too many of us stay in jobs that bring no satisfaction or cheer and brings those men and women to the depths of depression and unhappiness. Everybody wants to soar with the wind and experience joy and jubilation in their lives. Personally if I didn’t throw off the shackles that were keeping me down I would still be blocking hats for a living.

However, becoming a criminal is a desperate step and should be taken as a last resort. I know, we all read about, watch on Television and in movies about the fascinating life of criminals. I say “Posh” to that canard. A criminal’s life is a hard one – looking behind you always – kind of like walking on a street in NYC at night – never knowing when that knock on the door will come. It could be Pizza Man/He Delivers or bounty hunter, Dog ready to slap handcuffs on you while his fat, girlfriend abuses you verbally.

If you are bound and determined I feel obligated to help you. If you decide to rob banks, for a living, the first thing you should know is not to try robbing one when it’s closed. National holidays are a no-no. If you enter a bank to ‘case it’ and check out where the security cameras are – under no condition must you wave and stick your tongue out to the camera. If you casually walk in be sure not to trip over the bank guard sleeping on the floor. It’s very important to make sure the note you slip the teller is readable and understandable. If you have lousy penmanship make sure that the note says, “I have a gun put all the money in this bag,” and not, “I have gum put all the money in this Buick.” The idea, dear friends, is not to call attention to yourself or cause a ruckus among the bank employees. You don’t want them questioning each other about “what this word means.” Most bank robbers like to slip in, grab the swag and exit without causing a fuss.

A new would be robber in Monterey, California didn’t follow the Geezer’s tips and got into big trouble. We all understand that disguises are important when sticking up a bank or store. But, the disguise should be subtle and cool and not call too much attention to you. Never, ever, wear a Porky Pig mask when you enter the front door – someone might notice and think it strange that Porky is hanging around. This Monterey robbery suspect might as well as had a brass band follow him in. This unshaven man wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf –high boots and a black wig tried robbing a USA Gas station. Firstly, he hadn’t shaved his legs so the fishnet stockings looked lousy on him.

After warning everyone that he meant business he stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse and exited. Okay, at least he was dressed to the nines even if it was in drag. About 35 minutes after the robbery, police officers spotted a black Saab with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver’s side door, dragging on the ground. After much discussion they decided to investigate. Perhaps the black fishnet pantyhose gave them a clue. When they pulled our neophyte crook over and noticed it was either a very ugly woman or one of the Village People. A plastic replica handgun was found inside his purse.

When he was booked the embarrassed neophyte John Dillinger blamed his choice of a black wardrobe for his undoing. He said he should have gone with his first judgment and worn an egg-shell yellow ensemble to match his eyes. Let this be a warning that criminal life isn’t a walk in the park especially if you’re wearing high heels.