DON'T BE A PUTZ!

Wanting to keep the Geezer’s readers hip and ‘with it’ I wanted to bring to your attention that Etiquette books are the big rage…especially in England. Most of us gasp at the thought that Emily Post, Willy Post or Post Time can teach us anything about acceptable behavior. Emily was some dried up old broad who had nothing better to do than tell us that it’s fashionable to wear white gloves at all times except when wiping your tush.

There’s nothing wrong with etiquette and proper behavior. Aren’t you tired of being around men and women who are bores, loudmouths, ill-mannered louts and buffoons? I am, although I hate talking about my family like that.

Debretts is a publishing house that has guided Britain’s aristocracy thorough the niceties of meeting royalty, going to the races or eating soup and not using your hands. Since British aristocracy’s reputation has nose-dived faster than a Weight Watcher on a bungee with the average Brit, the publisher has decided to catch up with the times. The first edition of Debritt’s Peerage and Baronetage – known in Britain as the “toff’s bible” was published in 1769, and its tome on manners, Debrett’s Correct Form, has guided high society for decades. However its sales of the book recently were below “1986’s Who’s Who in Bosnia.”

The publishers admit that its new version “Etiquette for Girls” is a sign that the traditional arbiters of civility are catching up with times. They even considered putting out a pop-up version but they chickened out. “It’s a nod to the modern day. We’re pulling Debrett’s out of Victorian times and trying to make it relevant to today,” its editor said as he fixed his powdered wig.

Among the advice it now gives to the modern girl is how to conduct a sleaze-free office fling or a disease-free one night stand, to how to smoke a joint at social gatherings and what to do when you meet a celebrity. Hopefully, offer him or her toke on the joint.

“Avoid dark-alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab,” the guide says on the subject of one night stands. “Discuss the necessaries to avoid planning any love children or disease – which ever comes first – and you’re away.”
On smoking it decrees: “Always use a proper ashtray – never a wine bottle, flower pot, used plates or your date’s lower lip. And avoid allowing smoke to billow out of nostrils or ears. It is inelegant although you will get a big laugh. ”

The editor insists the book is not about sex, lies and partying. The core value of Debrett’s remains – elegance, composure and dignity are all important, whether you are dining with the Queen or cheating on your husband. As an aside, the Queen is known to flick her fag at her husband while picking her royal nose.

I don’t know about you but I plan to rush out to buy this new version of Debretts book on etiquette. Even the Geezer can use a few pointers on proper behavior. “Hey, who farted!?”