BAD SANTA
I LOVE HEARING ABOUT SOME SLIMEBALL WHO HAS DONE SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS TO SHOCK SOCIETY. AT MY AGE GETTING MY ROCKS OFF – IN MY CASE IT’S MORE LIKE PEBBLES OFF – IS NOTHING TO BE SNEEZED AT.
UNTIL THIS LATEST ESCAPED – THE GONIF WHO RAISED TWO MILLION DOLLARS FROM SUCKERS AFTER PROPOSING TO DO A MUSICAL, BASED ON “ROBERT’S RULES OF ORDER,” WAS MY FAVORITE CON JOB. BUT, WAIT:
THE GEEZER HAS JUST HEARD ABOUT A MAN WHO GOES AROUND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS FOR A LIVING AND SCAMMING PEOPLE. CAN YOU IMAGINE AN INTELLIGENT MAN DECIDING TO MAKE HIS LIVELYHOOD PLAYING MR. CLAUS? DID HE WAKE UP ONE MORNING, SHAKE HIS WIFE AND SAY, “HO-HO-HO”? IT SEEMS THIS FORMER SCHMATTE SALESMAN WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF FATHER CHRISTMAS. HIS BEARD WAS WHITE; HIS CHEEKS WERE ROSY – ALTHOUGH HE WAS ACCUSED OF USING BLUSH AND HIS BELLY SHOOK WHEN HE LAUGHED. KNOWING HE COULDN’T LIVE ON HIS BINGO WINNINGS HE SAID, “VOT DA HELL. I’LL BE THAT BOYCHICK SANTA CLAUS.” THE INTERESTING THING IS HE ISN’T JEWISH.
INSTEAD OF BEING THE NORMAL SANTA WE SEE DURING THE HOLIDAYS WHO RINGS HIS BELL COLLECTING MONEY FOR CHARITY – OR – EMPLOYED BY A STORE TO HAVE CHILDREN TAKE PICTURES WHILE SITTING ON HIS LAP – THIS MOMSER ACTUALLY HANDED OUT A MENU OF WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF MONEY. IF YOU PAID HIM $5.00 HE WOULD SAY “HO”. IN ORDER TO HEAR HIM SAY, “HO, HO, HO” IT COST $35.00. TO LISTEN TO A TYKE ASK SANTA FOR A SPECIFIC TOY FOR CHRISTMAS, IT’D COST THE PARENTS $50.00. THIS SHTICK DREK WAS THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD BREAK INTO A BAKERY AND SUCK THE JELLY OUT OF DONUTS.
I HOPE THE SANTA CLAUS GUILD BARES HIM FROM EVER WORKING AGAIN. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY BLITZEN AND RUDOLPH. I HOPE THE ELVES BASH HIS HEAD IN WHILE HE’S YODELING. I, AM, PISSED OFF. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
UNTIL THIS LATEST ESCAPED – THE GONIF WHO RAISED TWO MILLION DOLLARS FROM SUCKERS AFTER PROPOSING TO DO A MUSICAL, BASED ON “ROBERT’S RULES OF ORDER,” WAS MY FAVORITE CON JOB. BUT, WAIT:
THE GEEZER HAS JUST HEARD ABOUT A MAN WHO GOES AROUND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS FOR A LIVING AND SCAMMING PEOPLE. CAN YOU IMAGINE AN INTELLIGENT MAN DECIDING TO MAKE HIS LIVELYHOOD PLAYING MR. CLAUS? DID HE WAKE UP ONE MORNING, SHAKE HIS WIFE AND SAY, “HO-HO-HO”? IT SEEMS THIS FORMER SCHMATTE SALESMAN WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF FATHER CHRISTMAS. HIS BEARD WAS WHITE; HIS CHEEKS WERE ROSY – ALTHOUGH HE WAS ACCUSED OF USING BLUSH AND HIS BELLY SHOOK WHEN HE LAUGHED. KNOWING HE COULDN’T LIVE ON HIS BINGO WINNINGS HE SAID, “VOT DA HELL. I’LL BE THAT BOYCHICK SANTA CLAUS.” THE INTERESTING THING IS HE ISN’T JEWISH.
INSTEAD OF BEING THE NORMAL SANTA WE SEE DURING THE HOLIDAYS WHO RINGS HIS BELL COLLECTING MONEY FOR CHARITY – OR – EMPLOYED BY A STORE TO HAVE CHILDREN TAKE PICTURES WHILE SITTING ON HIS LAP – THIS MOMSER ACTUALLY HANDED OUT A MENU OF WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF MONEY. IF YOU PAID HIM $5.00 HE WOULD SAY “HO”. IN ORDER TO HEAR HIM SAY, “HO, HO, HO” IT COST $35.00. TO LISTEN TO A TYKE ASK SANTA FOR A SPECIFIC TOY FOR CHRISTMAS, IT’D COST THE PARENTS $50.00. THIS SHTICK DREK WAS THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD BREAK INTO A BAKERY AND SUCK THE JELLY OUT OF DONUTS.
I HOPE THE SANTA CLAUS GUILD BARES HIM FROM EVER WORKING AGAIN. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY BLITZEN AND RUDOLPH. I HOPE THE ELVES BASH HIS HEAD IN WHILE HE’S YODELING. I, AM, PISSED OFF. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
posted by THE RANTING OLD GEEZER at 6:11 PM
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