I FOUND JESUS.

The old Geezer just discovered the most important thing he will ever know. Have you noticed that every serial killer and despicable human being cops out when arrested by saying they have, “discovered Jesus?” Michael Vick is the latest nogoodnick to have found old J.C. But there’s a long line of crazies including Paris Hilton, who when imprisoned for those 15-minutes opened her pop-up bible and found Jesus. Is that the secret? You have to do things that would make Hitler blush before you meet the guy?

Exactly how do they discover him? Do they rush around and say, “Come out, come out, wherever you are……” and lo and behold he pops his head out and says, “Okay, you discovered me.”
It’s funny that none of these reprobates ever concerned themselves with Jesus or his teachings before getting into legal trouble. They just went around killing, raping, poisoning, killing dogs and other fun things without a thought about their salvation. Do you think that crazy Michael Vick, while being chased by a 900-pound defensive lineman, cried out, “Jesus I’d better discover you before this muthafucker rips my nappy head off?” Nah, what he probably said was, “where the fuck is my blocking back? Sheeeeet!”

Is it possible that smart defensive lawyers have told their evil clients that the claim to have discovered Jesus will sit well with their jury? Will the lunatic, rightwing religious nuts forgive a mother who drowned her babies once they her hear she found Jesus? It’s a cheap ploy used by the worst of the worst to get sympathy. If religious symbols can get you a lighter sentence why doesn’t someone claim to have found Judas? “Listen Judge, I’m tellin’ you I woke up in the middle of the night and there was this dude in a robe and sandals standin’ there. He handed me some silver coins, kissed me on the lips, patted my ass and disappeared.” If that isn’t worth a hung jury nothing is.

Isn’t it time for all of us including the press to ignore these idiotic claims of having found Jesus and therefore forgiving transgressions? It’s too easy a cop out and makes a mockery of religion and religious beliefs. The next criminal that swears it should have the Old Testament and King James Bible shoved up their nunus.

LUCK BE A LADY TONITE....

Don’t you hate people who kvetch all the time about having no luck? They don’t understand that you can’t go to some discount store and buy a supply of luck. You have it or you don’t. Would you call the guy who, for his birthday, got one of those plastic dipping birds that bobs infinitum lucky?

What about the dude who insisted that his wife get a face lift? He would pay for the whole thing. She did get the face lift and now looks like Jake LaMotta. Think he’s lucky?

It’s healthier if you don’t expect or dream about luck. Let it just ooze to you. The poster boy for luck is a middle aged man who lives in Pennsylvania. His luck isn’t that he lives in Pa…..nobody living in that facacata state should consider themselves lucky. The State’s Man of the Year was convicted of having sexual intimacies with the figures at Madame Tussaud’s.

You know the saying, “Lightening doesn’t strike twice.” Horse pucky. There’s a chap living in a small Pennsylvania town who was struck by lighting 15 years ago. He didn’t seem to have suffered any permanent damage except he needs two weeks notice to stop giggling. Well, believe it or not last week he was hit by lightening again. That’s twice, folks. …in fifteen years. If that ain’t lucky, what is?

After being examined by doctors they declared him uninjured. Seems the only result of the second lightening bolt were two holes burned in his bib coveralls. Others believe that he was seriously injured. Since the accident he has insisted that his wife is having an affair. Since they share the same bed he keeps asking who the man is next to them.

Count your blessings and forget about luck. This gentleman defied the odds and has become odd. I’m going to rip up my four-leaf clovers and start carrying a lightening rod.