LOVE, LOVE, HURRAY FOR LOVE.

Sexually, men are weird. What makes a man become obsessed with a woman is unfathomable. Some guy gets all hot and bothered with a certain type of female and others think he’s off his chump. I guess the old cliché, “whatever floats your boat” is probably true but why do some fellows fall for girls that look like something that fell off a fishing boat?

To prove my point The Geezer wants to tell you about some poor schmuck who lives in Ferndale, Mich. He’s in love. What’s the big deal? This fool doesn’t get horny about redheads, blondes, brunettes, big breasted ladies, flat ladies, tall or short women – what floats his boat are women nobody else would give a thought to. They're not obese or pinheads…those would be a step up for this dude. His female fetish is with female mannequins. You heard right, Bubba, this poor soul keeps falling in love with plastic statue. Oy Vey!

He has a history of smashing store windows to grab mannequins and has been accused of indulging his fetish once again. This 39-year-old crazy was arrested after breaking a window at a cleaning-supply company to get a mannequin in a black and white French maid’s uniform, police said. Well, maybe he’s not so bonkers, after all. I mean, anything in a French maid’s outfit is pretty darn hot. A judge ordered him to undergo a psychiatric examination to determine whether he’s competent to stand trial. “Mr. Dodson went to prison and they haven’t helped him,” said his lawyer. “He got out of prison and he’s right back out there. It’s pretty bizarre.” Duh! His erotic pursuit of mannequins over the past 13 year’s has led to at least six convictions for breaking and entering and a stint in prison. Reports don’t say whether he brings candy and flowers to his ladies in the window.

Before you decide he’s totally crackers, the Geezer did some research on mannequins. Turns out that manufacture’s in New York have endowed them with individual characteristics – the theory being that no two females, not even plastic or plaster females are quite alike. For instance, the mannequins at the department store Peck & Peck are made to look young and prim, while at Lord & Taylor they seem wiser and windblown, at Saks they are more demure but mature, while at Bergdorf’s they look agelessly elegant and quietly rich. The preoccupation with making mannequins almost human, and equipping them with curves, is probably responsible for the Michigan man’s problems. It’s a dirty, sneaky trick and I blame Hugo Chavez for it.

Our defendant told his parole officer he was going to buy a mannequin so he didn’t have to do these break-ins anymore. Apparently his at home ‘girlfriend’ didn’t work out. If the police are going to make a big deal out of an innocent, harmless honorable fetish…I’m not taking any chances and intend to deflate all my rubber-blow-up dolls.

THERE'S HOPE FOR US YET!

Most sports fans and reporters complain, and rightly so, that athletes today are cry-babies, spoiled rotten and totally selfish. None of these jocks seem to care about fans,’ the team’ or teammates – the only thing on their muscle bound minds is their press and what the sport can do for them. With that attitude they might as well be show business celebrities.

Most old time sports buffs will tell you about the days when athletes played for the fun of it. Having the opportunity to play was their reason for being. They were paid middle class wages and many of them had second jobs during their off season. Can you imagine some NBA super star working at a Chevron station pumping gas? Hell, he’s probably the majority stockholder in Chevron. As depressing as the state of sports is – every once in a while you read about an athlete who cares – really cares about their sport and will do anything to play.

Meet Mitchell Cozad of Greeley, Colorado. The most important thing in his young athlete’ life was playing football for his college team at Northern Colorado. He lives football. As a young tike his dad gave him a football helmet for his 8th-birthday and he was so excited and exhilarated that he never even got acne when he reached his teens – the helmet did. His twin brother, Randall, also received a helmet but not knowing what to do with it he put some lace on it and turned it into a planter. Randall has grown up to be a hair-dresser. Back to Mitchell.

Mitch tried out for the Northern, Colorado football team and, much to his delight made the team as the backup punter. Making the team was the biggest thing to happen to him since his first ‘woody.’ As hard as he tried, worked and practiced, Mitchell couldn’t make the first team. Some speculated that his punting average of 5-yards might have had something to do with it.

Young Master Cozad decided to take things in his own hands – he was determined to become the staring punter. He didn’t start taking steroids or growth hormones; he refused to do anything illegal on his quest. Well, almost anything illegal. What he did was he stabbed the starter in his kicking leg! Our clean cut, young jock is charged with attempted first degree murder and second degree assault and could be sentenced to 48-years in prison if convicted.

When asked why he would try to kill, maim and assault his rival, Mitchell confessed that starting on his college team was the dream of his life. Besides he pointed out that the knife wasn’t ‘that’ sharp. Police did find a framed picture of Tanya Harding in his locker.

So, don’t kvetch about athletes not caring any more. Although suspended from the team and the university Mitchell still follows the Northern, Colorado football team’s progress from his jail cell. This country needs more dedicated young athletes like Cozad and Islamic crazies wouldn’t dare attack us.

SOMETHING IS FISHY!

Woe is us!

For those of you Klingons who actually believe that the world is in as wonderful shape as a Weight Watchers’ acrobatic team, the Geezer has news. In spite of what you heard from post-med Rush Limbaugh, and the other right wing nutcases, the world is not flat and we are going through global warming among other frightening events. The earth is facing catastrophic possibilities besides the Republicans keeping both houses of Congress.

If things are as sanguine as Neocons want us to believe what is the explanation for the sudden hostile attacks on humans by stingrays? Fish acting like monsters in a Japanese B-film. Is this another plot by cut and run, left-wing Liberals? When most people heard the word Stingray they thought of a souped up car driven by beer-bellied red necks. Most marine biologists who have studied stingrays for years say they are generally docile. Kind of like Amish guppies. Why have they suddenly become as hostile and belligerent as an ex-wife in divorce court?

Within the last few months stingrays have lost their flippers. Are they on steroids and fish growth hormones? Do they hang with Barry Bonds? As everyone knows the “Crocodile Hunter,” Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray that decided to use his heart as a dart board. Perhaps that stingray saw the tape of Irwin dangling his little daughter near a thousand foot croc and wanted to register its unhappiness? Irwin had faced attacks by crocodiles and other lethal species without messing his hair but without warning some angry stingray stung him in his heart with its foot-long barb.

It apparently wasn’t some obscure event – an 81-year-old man was recently attacked by a stingray, which flopped onto his boat and stung him, leaving a foot-long barb in the senior’s chest. He is in critical condition in a Florida hospital. “It was a freak accident,” said the fire Chief. “It’s very unusual that the thing jumped out of the water and stung him. We still can’t believe it.” Marine experts say stingrays reflexively deploy a sharp spine in their tails when frightened. Is that the explanation? “Rays” suddenly have become frightened of the dark and decided to show their displeasure. Nah!

There has to be a more diabolical plot afoot. Is it possible that the Axis-of-Evil has decided to junk nuclear bombs as a threat to western democracies and instead use stingrays as their secret weapon? Do we have new WMDs to worry about? Will the United States invade the waters to keep us safe? I’m going to urge the FBI to intercept stingray’s phone calls. It’s all out war!

So forget your basic al Qaeda, Osama and Islamic Jihadists we are faced with a bigger and more deadly enemy.

OH, BALLS.

America’s love affair with pious, righteous, holy-than-thou, prudish behavior from officials trying to save the rest of us from damnation is a pain in the ass. Why don’t they just go about their uptight, small minded and trivial beliefs without bothering all of us sinners?

Here is a truism: all males have one thing in common…not their size or shape or color or intelligence…what all of us has are testicles! Show me a man without testicles and I’ll show you Wayne Newton. It seems that the Fort Meyers Beach, Fla. City Council actually voted to bar testicles from the city. I can’t even blame that on Jeb Bush. I’m sure he has his own set probably borrowed from his mother Barbara.

Okay, here’s the story. For the past three years the Surf Club bar has held a charity raising event for the Harry Chapin Food Bank with the wonderful name, The Turkey Testicle Festival. The name is alliterative and named after the terrific folk and country singer Harry Chapin. The festival has raised over $3,000 each year for the local Food Bank. For those of you who have been worrying yourselves sick over whether the “death tax” would be appealed, a Food Bank helps feed needy people. Yes, there are actually needy men, women and children in the good, old U.S of A. Republicans don’t think so but trust the Geezer on this.

Organizers of the Turkey Testicle Festival have had to fight like hell to keep their name. It seems that some members of the City Council were pressured by blue-haired, hare-brained constituents who feared for the island’s virtue and the propriety of the word. “Who cares what the name is,” said the town’s Mayor. “Money is going for a worthy cause.” Obviously, the Mayor has large testicles of his own. The same can’t be said for two Councilmen who said the name was inappropriate for a family island. They asked that testicle be removed from the name and all advertising. These two dunderheads didn’t see the connection between testicles and having a family. “We do have youngsters here. We’re trying to uplift their thinking,” one of the eunuchs proclaimed. These Cotton Mather look-a-likes were voted down and the good name of testicle was upheld – which is something all testicles like to happen to them.

In case this problem crops up in another city – there are more than 12 that host annual events with the name “testicle” – I have a few suggestions in case they want to rename their event to appease the religious right: the old satchels, gonads, melons, mistletoe, maracas, gherkins, family jewels and my personal favorite: “the hanging punching bags.”
If you have any other suggestions please send them on a check for ten thousand dollars made out to the Old Geezer.

MADONNA FOR PRESIDENT.

I am not one of those Geezers who have an agenda. They were out of agendas when I got to the store. I believe that we should be content with the hand we were dealt in life unless the dealer was named Lucky and wore black and white shoes. The grass in not greener on the other side of the fence especially when you live on the twelfth floor of an apartment building in Omaha, Nebraska. Envy is not a word that you will hear from my mouth since I can’t spell it.

I would hate to be a famous celebrity. Just think about the shallow, empty life they lead while earning tens of millions of dollars a year; surrounded by sycophants who constantly tell them how wonderful they are; fans that worship at their feet; talk show hosts who nod their empty heads at the babble that comes out of their botox lips. Why do people anxiously wait for some big celebrity to do something strange or foolish and then revel in their bad press? Isn’t it possible that Tom Cruise just likes to jump on couches and put down others who take medication? After all he is a Scientologist and knows everything. Mel Gibson seems like a nice guy even though he’s a closet Nazi who hates Jews. Wesley Snipes is being hunted unfairly by the police just because he owes the government 16-million dollars in back taxes which he refuses to pay. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Let’s cut these celebrities some slack and stop beating them up. I don’t think that’s right. Live and let live is the Geezer’s policy.


As an example, I think Madonna is getting a bad rap by the liberal left press. They are so jaded that they are unable to believe that a celebrity would do something out of the goodness of her heart. Everyone is belittling and suggesting that she decided to adopt an African baby as a sleazy publicity stunt. The yellow press claims that she was probably pissed off at the good press Angelina Jolie got by her visits and concern of the plight of African children. I say stuff and nonsense to those suspicious, distrustful press hacks. Did it ever occur to them that maybe Madonna was acting without any thought of publicity? That she really wanted to do something worthy of a star with only one name?

Let’s think about this logically. If this self-effacing, shy, colorless, bashful, and reserved woman wanted some cheap publicity just to further her career she would have pulled out all stops. Instead, she quietly danced with African women, wore a simple designer outfit and brought her own film crew to follow her around. If she was really looking for press coverage – she would have brought her back-up dancers, costume designers and make-up artists with her. Rumors that they couldn’t clear customs are beside the point.

It’s time that we give Madonna the benefit of the doubt. If she chooses to name her new African son, Shecky and enroll him in a Kabbalah pre-school it’s her right and doesn’t prove a damn thing. Good for you Miss or Mr. Madonna as the case may be.

DON'T BE A PUTZ!

Wanting to keep the Geezer’s readers hip and ‘with it’ I wanted to bring to your attention that Etiquette books are the big rage…especially in England. Most of us gasp at the thought that Emily Post, Willy Post or Post Time can teach us anything about acceptable behavior. Emily was some dried up old broad who had nothing better to do than tell us that it’s fashionable to wear white gloves at all times except when wiping your tush.

There’s nothing wrong with etiquette and proper behavior. Aren’t you tired of being around men and women who are bores, loudmouths, ill-mannered louts and buffoons? I am, although I hate talking about my family like that.

Debretts is a publishing house that has guided Britain’s aristocracy thorough the niceties of meeting royalty, going to the races or eating soup and not using your hands. Since British aristocracy’s reputation has nose-dived faster than a Weight Watcher on a bungee with the average Brit, the publisher has decided to catch up with the times. The first edition of Debritt’s Peerage and Baronetage – known in Britain as the “toff’s bible” was published in 1769, and its tome on manners, Debrett’s Correct Form, has guided high society for decades. However its sales of the book recently were below “1986’s Who’s Who in Bosnia.”

The publishers admit that its new version “Etiquette for Girls” is a sign that the traditional arbiters of civility are catching up with times. They even considered putting out a pop-up version but they chickened out. “It’s a nod to the modern day. We’re pulling Debrett’s out of Victorian times and trying to make it relevant to today,” its editor said as he fixed his powdered wig.

Among the advice it now gives to the modern girl is how to conduct a sleaze-free office fling or a disease-free one night stand, to how to smoke a joint at social gatherings and what to do when you meet a celebrity. Hopefully, offer him or her toke on the joint.

“Avoid dark-alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab,” the guide says on the subject of one night stands. “Discuss the necessaries to avoid planning any love children or disease – which ever comes first – and you’re away.”
On smoking it decrees: “Always use a proper ashtray – never a wine bottle, flower pot, used plates or your date’s lower lip. And avoid allowing smoke to billow out of nostrils or ears. It is inelegant although you will get a big laugh. ”

The editor insists the book is not about sex, lies and partying. The core value of Debrett’s remains – elegance, composure and dignity are all important, whether you are dining with the Queen or cheating on your husband. As an aside, the Queen is known to flick her fag at her husband while picking her royal nose.

I don’t know about you but I plan to rush out to buy this new version of Debretts book on etiquette. Even the Geezer can use a few pointers on proper behavior. “Hey, who farted!?”

MICKEY MOUSE IS HORNY.

Walt Disney must be turning over in his grave. Actually his ice box. I understand his pillow is some ice cubes. Why should this icon of family values, clean living and innocent fun be upset? Because his name as been soiled as much as a drunk’s underwear.

Believe it or not, some employees at its Paris theme park decided to make some videos simulating sex while dressed as Disney characters. Can you imagine? When the big shots at Disney found out they pushed their bowls of cottage cheese away and screamed, “Golly.” They also “took appropriate action.” What the hell is “appropriate action” at Disney, pulling Dumbo’s ears?

“The behavior show on the videos is inexcusable and unacceptable,” a Disney statement proclaimed. It’s difficult for the Geezer to believe that any executives at Disney know what a sex act is? I’ve heard that all female employees are given chastity belts when they’re hired. The company is more conservative than Karl Rove.

“The video was taken in the backstage area not accessible to visitors.” Duh. Did Disney think that they’d tape in on one of the rides? One of the videos shows Minnie Mouse struggling to free herself as she is fucked in the butt by Goofy while she says, “Go eat a bowl of puke.” That’s’ funny…funnier than any Disney film done in the last ten years. Another shows Mickey Mouse going down on Chip and Dale, the chipmunks. Hysterical. They also show Grumpy, Doc and Sleepy in acts of masturbation.

If Disney had a brain in their furry heads they’d put the tapes out in DVD and outsell Regis Philbin singing Welsh Mining Songs. Since the dicks at Disney fired these creative and funny employees – the kids are thinking of opening a comedy store called, “Tickle my Testicles.”

A NAME IS A NAME IS A.....

I’m always amazed how men and women choose a name for their newly borns. It must be very difficult and result in many fights. Should they name their child after a relative and if that’s the case, whose relative? I know a mother and father who couldn’t decide and finally settled on naming their son after their apartment building….Worthington Arms Fink.

Since I’ve never had a child the Geezer hasn’t been faced with that problem. My best girlfriend’s parents couldn’t decide and after many stormy discussions resorted to the old “whatever comes out is her name.” They put a load of girl’s names in his hat and swore that whatever was picked was her name. It took 71/2 many years to get used to her moniker.

The reason for all this rambling is that a new phenomenon is sweeping the country. Besides wondering why the fuck we invaded Iraq. It seems that lots of parents are naming their off-springs after their favorite TV shows. Can you believe how crazy that is? Who the hell wants to go through life named, CIS Miami?

A couple in Biloxi, Miss. which in itself should give you a hint at how bright the husband and wife are – decided because the husband is an avid sports fan he would name their son. ESPN Montana Real was born last week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center. “We were the talk of the hospital,” Rusty Real said. “The nurses kept asking my wife if she really was going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, “Oh, yes or he’ll spit tobacco juice all over me.” Rusty chose ESPN Montana after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana. It could have been worse, I guess, he could have named his son, Michelle Wei.

Baby ESPN isn’t alone. Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tvocommunity.com about the networks 25th anniversary. They are ESPN Malachi in Pampa, Texas, ESPN Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and ESPN Blondeel in Covington, Louisiana. Notice that all these bizarre names were chosen by southern rednecks. What do you expect from people who think grits is a gourmet dish?

So, to all the Law & Order, Dancing with the Stars and Desperate Housewives out there no jury on earth would convict you if you killed old Mom and Dad.

EGGHEADS ARE BROKEN.

The Geezer admires smart people. Scientist and educators who spend their entire lives investigating and solving problems. My admiration probably is due to my own stupidity. I’m not being modest – I used to go to elementary school with my cocker spaniel, “Ralph” and “Ralph” graduated while I was left back. In fact he was the commencement speaker at the graduation. A possible excuse is that at age 13 I was holding a pitchfork (don’t ask why) and was hit by lightening. Since that event I haven’t been able to blink my eyes in unison.

Did you ever wonder why the sound that sets your teeth on edge, makes your skin crawl and sends a shiver down your spine is the sound of a fingernail scratching on a blackboard? Most of us wouldn’t think about finding out the cause of that irritating truism. Well, three scientists spent years studying the ‘blackboard’ problem and have finally come up with an answer – the sound’s frequency level. Their research has earned them an Ig Nobel. No, not the Nobel Prize – the Ig Award. This ridiculous annual award given at Harvard University for weird, wacky and sometimes worthless scientific research. The bigger the schmuck the scientist is the bigger is ovation.

Among this year’s winners include a doctor who put his finger on a cure for hiccups; two men who think there is something to the old adage that feet smell like cheese; and researchers who discovered that dung beetles won’t make a beeline into any pile of dung. The dung beetle is particular about the pile of shit they frolic in. Smart eggheads actually waste their time and their school’s research money on projects that men and women wearing straight jackets would find fascinating.

This small event started in 1991 to honor obscure and useless achievements has grown into an international happening. It’s nice to know that the United States isn’t the only country that has brain deprived individuals. The awards are given out by real Nobel laureates. Doesn’t this sound like a show produced by Chuck Barris?

My favorite Ig Award was presented to Dr. Fesmire for his paper called – “ahem.” It’s about the Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage. How the hell does a doctor figure out that the way to end hiccups is by sticking his finger in someone’s bum? Where did he do his research, at gay bars? “It was the treatment of last resort,” said the good doctor. He refused to answer a question about his marriage to the happy patient. The presenter who gave him his award wore rubber gloves. Can you blame him?

Even though you had never heard about the Ig Awards I hope you will look forward to next year’s announcement. The favorite is the scientist who has proven that there never has been a Jewish handyman or auto mechanic.

BREASTS ARE FOREVER.

There’s an old truism saying, “There’s no honor among thieves.” There’s also one saying, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Apparently a new saying goes something like this: “There is no honor or honesty in breasts.”

It seems that plastic surgeons in Berlin are up in arms about women patients who decided to run out without paying for their plastic breast enlargement surgery. Talk about tacky. It would have been really ugly and messy if they tried to dash out during the operation. How rude and inconsiderate for these fake-knocker recipients to scam Dr. Adolph out of his fee. As most of us know, Germans have a history of denial. The owners of the Himler Weight Loss Centers insist that the 200 calorie diet they put people on has proven successful before.

These frauleins have more chutzpah than the former defrocked weather man who boasted about purposefully bumping into blind people. The surgeons were so angry that they could have spit their sauerbraten all over their schnauzers but instead of pouting they decided to take action. “The women registered under fake names,” said one of the doctors. “After the operation, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away with their huge plastic boobs!” One of these dishonest cons named “Tanja” went out for ‘fresh air’ after 8,000-euro, or $10,000 surgery to enlarge her breasts. While she was getting her breast implants she decided to have her little Hitler mustache cut off. “She never came back and never paid,” said the embarrassed Doc. Perhaps he should have smelled a rotten schnitzel when “Tanja” had a nametag reading “Helmut.”

Rather than expect the German police to go around checking out all Berlin’s female tits – the doctors furnished the police with pictures of the scam artists’ enlarged breasts. Newspapers published a five-column picture of Tanja’s naked breasts which are now big enough to suckle all of Bulgaria. Sales of the newspapers rose higher than Tanja’s surprised husband’s shmeckle.

Germany’s Ten Most Wanted list now has six pictures of mammarys next to a photo of a Nazi Amish gang-banger. “They’re probably the most unusual wanted posters police ever had.” When she's caught and booked I guess she has to submit to a nipple-print.

Hopefully this disgusting scam will not be imported to the U.S of A. Otherwise all our ‘secretaries’ will be wanted criminals. My ex wouldn’t make the list, she was flatter than a 13-year olds training bra.

ANOTHER CLOWN.

The Geezer is very impressed. That’s a rare occasion in Geezerland. Haven’t been since I met the guy from Youngstown who has spent his life teaching Latin to cats. There’s a story out of Alameda, California that makes my nipples hard. The last time that happened was when Cher announced her latest retirement.

It seems there is a new candidate running for mayor in that city who has caused some controversy when he threw his hat into the ring. Actually what he threw was a fright wig! Kenneth Kahn who is known professionally as “Kenny the Clown” admits he’s running a long-shot campaign for the City Hall’s top spot. I would think that being the mayor in Alameda is as important as a photographer for Reader’s Digest.

Kahn has not previously run for an elected position before. That in itself should sweep him into office. “People ask me, ‘Do we really want to elect a clown?” Duh! Have the complaining voters in Alameda taken a look at the Governor of California or the people elected to Congress and the White House? I thought it was a prerequisite to be elected. The idiots holding office now belong with Barnum & Bally.

Kahn’s mother said her son doesn’t have a chance, and Sylvia Kahn, a teacher, said her brother’s candidacy is a “mockery of our system.” Does she mean the same system that has brought us nothing but corruption, bad choices which hurt the average citizen and congressman who resign after hitting on teenage pages? That sacred system? With a family like his is it any wonder that Ken Kahn walks around with a fright wig, outlandish costumes and large floppy feet?

George W. Bush has proven that clowns can be elected. Let’s all urge this Alameda funnyman to stick to his guns, pull the trigger and wait for the flag to come out that says “bang.” I’d rather have a registered buffoon in office than the unregistered clowns trying to be re-elected.

I may move to Alameda, Cal. and bring some pig bladders with me. Go for it, Kenny, baby!

AND THE RECORD IS....?

Men and women who strive their whole lives to call attention to themselves and are so insecure that unless they’re the center of attention they break out in spasms. These egocentric, vain, conceited, dumb, corrupt and pompous individuals turn my stomach. But, enough about Republicans….

Every once in a while we read of characters who are so deranged that their whole reason for being is to get into the Guinness Book of Records. If their feat to enter Guinness was something worthwhile I’d tip my homburg to them – but the ones we hear about are weird, pitiful souls. Is it really that important to be known as the person who ate 300 live chickens in one seating? The fellow in Allentown, Pa.
who did the best impression of Wink Martindale? The lady in Spokane, Washington who has been married 16 times – but to coat trees.

The latest crop of Guinness candidates is nuttier than usual. Lee Redmond’s claim to fame is that she has the longest fingernails in the world. 24-feet, 7-inches. She looks like she has hula-hoops growing out of her fingers. She started growing her nails 27 years ago. Talk about being bored! She has a meticulous routine to keep them in tip-top condition. “I clean them with a toothbrush when they get dirty and always treat them with olive oil and nail hardener.” She still manages to shave her husband daily which is probably why he is ‘suffering’ from Alzheimer’s.
I don’t think the guy is suffering at all; he now has no memory of why he married this nut cake. Lee probably has her nails manicured with an electric hedge cutter.

Believe it or not she has attracted some unusual admirers over the years and once was offered money by some sicko who wanted to nibble her talons. When asked the inevitable question about how on earth she goes to the bathroom, Redmond said, “very carefully.”

A 17-year older from Utah, named Studham joined the ranks of the weird and wacky Guinness record holders with the tallest hair on the planet. “It’s a real icebreaker with the girls,” the teenager said. “It took me five to six years to grow.” His Mohawk hairstyle is 24-inches high. “It takes me an hour to comb.” Obviously he doesn’t have parents or they would have committed him years ago. The only excuse I can think of for his hair is what else can a teen do in Utah?

If these two aren’t enough to hide in a closet here are some of the other characters making the record book: the proud purveyors of the world’s stretchiest skin, narrowest waist and longest ear-hair. My personal favorite is the woman who can pop her eyeballs 43 inches out of their sockets.

Instead of continuing to publish this nonsense I suggest that the editors of the Guinness Book start drinking Guinness stout and never stop. I have a friend who is threatening to enter next year. His claim to fame is that he looks exactly like Keith Richards. If I did I would commit suicide.

THE WORST!

Every President waits as anxiously, as a street corner hooker looking for a john, to see what historians will say about his years in office. In George W. Bush’s case historians…will throw up. Each occupant of the White House tries to leave some sort of legacy. In Warren Harding’s example it was his fathering many illegitimate children.

George Bush doesn’t even rate that high. Under his leadership western civilization is now in the fight for its life with Muslims. By invading Iraq he has set the west into a never ending battle with terrorist and crackpot religious fundamentalists. All of us have suddenly become ‘infidels’ to billions of Muslims who want to kill us. This faux cowboy has become living proof for that old saying “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Americans needed him like they do rectal itch.

Besides the horrific mistake of “George’s War,” he has made political division a norm. Civil discourse between both political parties is a thing of the past. Politicians, who under the best of times, are thought to be bottom feeders have now sunk so low in the estimate of voters that “throw the rascals out” may actually happen. The newest incident proving that is the resignation of Rep. Foley of Florida. This Republican congressman was caught sending sexual and inappropriate e-mails to male pages. It turns out he’s a sexual predator and a deviate. The worst thing about this sordid case is that the Speaker of the House and Majority Leader knew about Foley’s ‘inclinations’ and chose to cover it up. Why? Because those political hacks wanted to keep his Republican seat above anything. That Foley was a known degenerate and pedophile was less important than losing his seat to a Democrat. Makes your skin crawl, doesn’t it.

As bad as that seems, even worse, for the country is his stacking the Supreme Court with politically conservative judges. These right wing zealots will probably overturn established laws like Rowe v Wade and the other targets of the arch religious right.

President Bush’s legacy will be; starting an illegal war, lying about it, ruining the economy, giving tax breaks to his wealthy contributors, turning politics into an obscene and ugly fact of life, and making the Supreme Court answerable to the likes of Jerry Fallwell and other born again wackos. Even worse is Bush’s messianic belief that he is right and all opponents are unpatriotic. He actually believes that God told him to invade Iraq. The man is unable to put two sentences together without sounding like a retard. Good going Georgie-Boy.

When they finally publish a list of the ten worst Presidents in our history George W. Bush’s name will be found in all ten spots.