AN HONEST SCHMUCK.

Corruption is a cottage industry in America. Just walk through the halls of Congress and you feel like you need to be sprayed with a fire hose. Reading and watching immoral people charged with indecent and illegal crimes are as common as that damn Heads On commercial. At least, unlike politicians and nogoodnicks, it doesn’t promise things that will never be honored – Heads On never claims it cures or is good for anything…except the owner’s bank account.

It’s refreshing when you come upon someone who is honest and above board. We are all sick of hearing some celebrity pontificating about subjects that they know as much about as a paramecium; CEOs who get million dollar golden parachutes when fired for incompetence; Churches who declare bankruptcy rather than pay damages to abused parishioners; athletes who get away with murder even when they commit it. Well, take a deep breath and meet a truly honest man.

Police Chief Richard Knoebel of Kewaskum, Wisconsin is my hero. This man is so straight and truthful that he makes the late, and sexy, Mother Teresa look like a dishonest – are there any other kind? - used car salesman. The Chief says he wasn’t about to take the easy way out when he accidentally drove past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. No one would have known about his innocent mistake but noooooooooo Knoebel stopped his patrol car, asked himself for his license and proof of insurance, patted himself down and then wrote himself a ticket for $235, docked himself four points on his driving record. He paid the fine the next day and didn’t even try to bribe himself to get out of the ticket.

This all came to light when the fine appeared in court records. This latter day Dick Tracy doesn’t mind the publicity, if it serves to raise awareness. “If it brings notice to people that they should be stopping for school buses, I don’t mind the notoriety,” he said.

Some might think that Chief Knoebel is crazier than an inmate at the Wisconsin Home for the Silly for writing himself a traffic ticket but it must be pointed out that he didn’t beat the shit out of himself to get a confession. Okay, maybe he’s a tad compulsive, straight-laced and conservative when it comes to the law but even those doubting Thomases have to admit he’s a schmuck!

THE FUTURE.

Unlike most Old Geezers you know, I, am, one that likes to look ahead at things and trends. That’s why I’ve kept my collection of Chia Pets in pristine shape. I keep them well watered and getting plenty of sun. Should you ever need a valuable Chia Pet I’m the guy to call.

It occurred to me that 2008 will soon be upon us. It’s never too soon to be prepared. Among other things that will happen in 2008 is that George W. Bush’s presidency will be over. Come to think of it, nothing else matters. Oh, sure, Donald Trump will still be calling Rosie O’Donnell a fat dike; guys will still be claiming to be father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. Zsa Gabor’s fake German Prince husband will still insist that he fathered the little girl. He’d call Zsa as a character witness but the 90-year old Gabor is senile and spends her time punching a blow-up rubber cop during her drooling hours. The ‘Prince” swears that he was awarded his “Prince” title in a fortune cookie.

My major concern about 2008 is that Bush will retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas and the taxpayers will be stuck with a million dollar tab each year for secret service his protection. Why? Since he’s not aware of most things that went on during his presidency what are we protecting? If a terrorist tried to kidnap him they’d never get a coherent statement out of him just as Americans didn’t for 8-years. Certainly not in English, anyway. His proposed presidential library will contain his collection of “Hunters & Fags” and “How to Sneer Your Way into Politics.”

Therefore, I wonder why we have to spend a fortune to protect this ex-president who is a useless retard? Why not spend the money on something worthwhile, like erasing his name and his administrations fuck ups from history books? George W. Bush has done as much for this country as Pauly Shore has done for classical acting.

OUT OF THE CLOSET

There is a lot of nonsense written about homosexuality. Is it a choice? Is it predetermined at birth?

Some people blame environment or family influence for homosexuality. There’s a famous quote in gay circles: “My mother made me a fag.” Another person said, “Will she knit me one?” Whatever the reason, homosexuality has always been part of the human experience. There have been famous historical figures that were known as homos. Michelangelo, Octavo, a famous Visigoth warrior who fought in full make-up and garter belt, Helen of Troy – who smoked cigars and turned the Trojan Horse into a gay bar, Eric the Limp – a Viking general who’s wrist was so loose his hand used to fall off during battle. There are of course, many current famous gay people who proudly proclaim their sexual preferences: Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGenerous, Pewee Herman and the “Mother Hen” himself, Richard Simmons. The Old Geezer believes that people have the right to live any way they want. I, for instance, have been happily cohabitating with shoe tree for years.

The greatest threat to the freedom of sexual choice is the conservative, rightwing evangelicals. If these bigots had their way gay men and women would be tarred and feathered (Simmons would like the feather part) and their eye makeup ruined. They claim the Bible insists that homosexuality is blasphemous and should be condemned. They pound their pop-up bibles as proof. Imagine how embarrassed these holier-than-thou, prejudiced fanatics were when one of there own was caught playing hiding the salami with a male hooker.

The Reverend Ted Haggard, the leader of the Evangelical right had to admit that he had been sexually active with another man. This married father of four resigned in disgrace and asked his flock and other religious leaders for forgiveness. He swore that his affair with this male prostitute was an aberration even though he bought a time share with the dude and was seen wearing Victoria’s Secret undies while together.
He decided to save his reputation by entering a rehab facility, in Arizona. The light in the loafer preacher was so far in the closet, you'd need a bloodhound to find him. This mysterious rehab joint seriously claimed that it specialized in turning homosexuals into heterosexuals while they played shuffle board and got a suntan. I wonder if meals are included?

For those Doubting Thomas’s who are suspicious of this spa/rehab center and its claim to do the impossible hold on to your earrings. In just three weeks the Reverend Ted Haggard skipped out of the place screaming that he was straight again. That his homosexuality was just a phase he went through and he not only couldn’t wait to hump ‘the old lady’ but was going to punch the lights out of the next Hell’s Angel he saw.

I guess miracles do happen. This obviously gay Minister will be welcomed back by his flock, resume his TV ministry and tongue kiss any male hookers he meets. Hallelujah!