REALITY TV IS DANGEROUS AND STUPID!

Reality television shows are the worst thing to happen to this country since Teresa Brewer declared herself a moral vegetarian – she only eats meat if the animal died in its sleep.

The TV networks have decided to abrogate their responsibilities in trying to program their networks. Instead of putting on intelligent, well written, wonderfully acted adult series they choose instead to take the easy way out – to appeal to the lowest and moronic audiences they can find. What could be more fun than watching people eat worms and perform other tasteless acts? Just imagine John Q. Public and his lovely wife, Yetta, sitting on their barcalounger, swilling beers and laughing non-stop as strangers compete to find out which one of them has the brains of a free-range penguin.

CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox try to outdo themselves by putting on reality series that can only interest nincompoops. If you put the brain of the average reality show viewer in a bumblebee, it’d fly backwards. Fear Factor, Big Brother, Survivor and the other shows get big ratings but so would public executions.

Many of the most successful reality series weren’t even created in the United States. Our networks imported them. They are cheap to produce and get audiences. Gone are the days when network executives actually worked with the creative community to develop quality programs. It’s Dumb and Dumber times four.

Dutch billionaire television producer John de Moi – who makes Chuck
Barris look like a Nobel Laureate – has decided to parley the success he’s had with his show Big Brother – and has created a new reality monstrosity which he claims will test the limits of reality TV. I didn’t know reality TV had any limits. His new series will allow a woman to search for a potential sperm donor to conceive a child. Can’t you just imagine CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox licking their lips waiting to buy the rights to de Moi’s new series?

His new TV station Talpa, launched this month, confirmed it will air a program called, “I Want Your Child…and Nothing Else!” A catchy title in the tradition of Mayberry and All in the Family. “The plan is that we visit potential donors and – of course on camera – decide which man is most suitable,” the 30-year old woman who the program will feature told the media. Just how do this woman and her camera crew make that decision isn’t quite clear. Do they measure his penis, on camera, against other potential penises? Is his school (or prison) record taken into account? Does neatness count? How about the ability to yodel? If someone was going to father my kid I’d check him out real good.

“Afterwards there will be artificial insemination,” said the woman. Is the audience privy to the male’s masturbation into a test tube? I would think what the fellow reads, while playing with himself, might give a clue to the baby’s intelligence. If the guy is leafing through the magazine, “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded,” we might be looking at a 7-foot infant with an oversized head. If the donor is excited by reading Moby Dick…and knowing it’s not a social disease – a normal child might result. Hopefully, we won’t have to wait long before watching this informative TV show on one of the networks.

The show is a one-off competing with four other reality TV shows, one of which follows five former prostitutes starting a café and funeral boutique called, “Death & Things.” Another candidate is “Mass Murderers and Their Pets.” The third show follows a group of mean-spirited men and women who are left on a deserted Island without any food or water – may the best man or woman cannibal win. The last reality show that will be in competition is a reality cooking show featuring recipes that use only poisons and bacterial agents.

After all the potential shows air, Dutch viewers will vote for their favorite program and the one getting the most votes will be turned into a series. Monty Hall is rumored to have been chosen as the American host when it airs here.

So, get those expensive plasma television sets ready. I may start watching radio…….

LET'S HEAR IT FOR ORAL SEX.......

Wouldn’t it be silly for you to visit a place that you’re unwelcome at? I’m not talking about your in-laws house.

How about a tiny country that treats visitors that unknowingly break its laws harshly and inhumanely? You’d be pretty dumb to build up their economy with our tourist dollars. This is no third world country run by Islamic, anti-American zealots. It’s a place that Americans flock to just so they can pick up a Rolex cheaply. (Gang-bangers pick up Rolex’s cheaply all the time – they sometimes take the victim’s wrist with it.) I’m talking about Singapore.

I will never go to Singapore and spend my money to buck up its repressive government. If I wanted to be repressed I would have stayed married.

Singapore was founded as a British trading colony in 1819 and its government’s thinking hasn’t progressed past that date. It became independent in 1963 and proceeded to become of the world’s most prosperous countries with strong international trading links. Its per capita GDP equals that of most of the leading nations in Western Europe. Its over 4 million citizens live in this parliamentary republic which is meaner than a pit bull with hemorrhoids. The government has passed hostile social controls on its population and tourists that would have made Devil’s Island look like Club Med.

One of the main reasons for my anger at the colony is that I like to chew gum. Spearmint is a dirty word in Singapore. Chewing gum is against the law in this enlightened country. If you happen to be caught spitting the gum out you can be charged with a capitol offense. Who will ever forget the American teenager who was caught spitting his gum out and was thrown in jail and beaten with canes and sticks in public? The authorities probably would have liked to decapitate him but he was wearing his baseball cap backwards and they couldn’t figure out where his face was. Don’t get me wrong I happen to be in favor of beating most teens as much as possible. They are infuriating, stupid and sloppy. They should be beaten faster than pancake mix at IHOP. Does any country have the right to abuse visitors who are a main source of income? A pox on Singapore’s officials and their thug police.

Among the tough rules governing behavior is Singapore are: Playboy magazine is banned and if anyone is caught with a copy they are immediately made to wear feathers at dinner for the rest of their life. Students who fail to return a volleyball serve are stuffed with crab meat and served to tourists. Any man caught shouting at his pitchfork is turned into a podiatrist. The most intrusive law is the one that bans oral sex. “Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal,” can be fined and jailed up to 10-years,or even life…which ever comes first. This may be one of the reasons Richard Simmons refuses to visit it.

Recently, Singapore police handcuffed and locked up a U.S. citizen for bringing 58 pornographic DVDs and video CDs into the wealthy city-state. Among the titles were: “Frivolous Lola,” “Copulation Nation” and “Lord of the Whips.” He was charged with possessing uncertified and obscene films and also for singing off-key at a Karaoke bar. After our embassy complained, the importing porno charges were dropped but he still faces a fine of $20,000 or up to six months in prison for singing, “A Boy Named Sue,” off-key at the Karaoke bar. The people in Singapore take “boys named Sue” very seriously.

Due to the negative publicity that Singapore has gotten because of their strict social controls the government is making some attempt to loosen and relax some of their laws. The popular U.S. sitcom “Sex and the City,” can now be seen but only if the viewer uses one eye. The ban had been in affect for 6-years. It’s seems the government doesn’t like the word “sex” – they like to do it but not pronounce it.

The wearing of hush puppies is frowned upon unless worn by a real puppy; and waking someone up while flicking chickens at the foot of their bed is punishable by doing the jitterbug. Singapore’s holier than thou rules and regulations are considered laughable since the colony is used as a transit point for Golden Triangle heroin and is one of the world’s leading venues for illegal money laundering.

Isn’t it time we stop spending our tourist dollars and bucking up the economy of Singapore’s austere and offensive government? Let’s all agree on visiting Lower Slovakia instead. Where you can chew gum without fear of prosecution and if one wants to orally become friendly with a Yak no one cares.

Down with Singapore and up with oral sex!

SURPRISE..........

Do you like surprises? I mean, most children love to open gaily wrapped gifts on Christmas morning anticipating the surprise they’ll get as they tear at the tissue paper to find out what Santa has brought them. I must confess that as a kid I usually found myself disappointed when faced with that scenario. There was no excitement for me to open twenty-six boxes of pajamas, some with only one leg; a pink cummerbund when I hoped for a mauve seersucker one with Sponge Bob pictures on it; or a left-handed pen and pencil set. Those unhappy experiences caused me to doubt the existence of Santa Claus. If he was such a jolly fellow why didn’t he bring me what I asked for, Kathryn Grayson with her enormous jugs?

Surprises can be dangerous things. How many seniors have had strokes when they open a door and a crowd of hated relatives scream out, “Surprise”? How about the husband who comes home early and finds his wife in bed with a coat tree? The mother who discovers her burly FBI agent son wearing a garter belt, boa, and high heels? The wife who opens her hubby’s e-mail file and finds out he’s been carrying on an obscene, hot correspondence with Dr. Joyce Brothers? Suffice it to say that the best surprise is no surprise at all.

Probably the most unwelcome surprise one can have is dealing with our health. Can you imagine how unsettling it would be to go to your doctor’s office complaining of an ingrown toe-nail and be told that you have a growth in your gall balder the size of an NFL defensive lineman? The poor soul who suffers from heart burn and is told that unless he immediately begins to take a teaspoon of crazy glue every two hours there is no hope for recovery? The older lady who believes she’s suffering from bunions only to find out she has an incurable case of jock itch? When it comes to our health no one looks forward to a surprise unless it’s from a comely nurse who undresses you while tapping your prostate with an eagle feather.

The patient, at the Northern New Jersey Eye Institute in South Orange, wasn’t expecting a surprise when an unplanned, sudden complication occurred during his cataract surgery? Fortunately, for him, Dr. Bernard Spier wasn’t performing the surgery while using a pogo stick. Everything was going along fine when at the end of the cataract procedure a sports utility vehicle rammed into the operating room. How rude, it didn’t even have an appointment.

No one was injured, but Dr. Spier said that if the accident had happened moments earlier, it could have hurt the patient’s eye. I guess so – a Firestone tire running over someone’s eyelid could sting. Spier had removed the cataract and had just used a plunger to implant a silicone lens when the crash threw him onto the partially sedated patient. Fortunately, Dr. Spier was wearing scrubs and not a suit of armor.

The crash happened at 8:37 a.m. Police said Floyd Hunt, Jr., 77 was trying to back his Toyota 4Runner out of a parking space outside the operating room, but failed to put the car into reverse. The front end of the red utility vehicle smashed through a wall and stopped just inches from doctor and patient when its back tires snagged on a curb. Mr. Hunt, Jr., didn’t even yell, “Surprise,” to the open-mouthed operating staff, it sounded more like, “Holy shit!”

Spier and staff took the patient from the room, and pulled Hunt from his Toyota. Obviously, Floyd Hunt needs eye surgery more than the poor guy Spier had just worked on. You don’t need 20-20 to realize “drive” is not “reverse.” Hunt, Jr., made an appointment to have his eyes checked before making a right and driving out of the operating room.

Mr. Hunt sheepishly admitted that he’s never done something like that before while he was behind the wheel of his car although he really enjoyed the experience. His vehicle bent steel beams, buckled the ceiling and damaged a $70,000 ultrasound machine used to remove cataracts. Besides promising to get Automobile insurance one day soon, he allowed that he might also take a few driving lessons…not that he needs them.

Surprise, Floyd, you do!

TELL US WHAT TO DO.......

People from all over the world complain that their governments and leaders are too wishy-washy, too beholding to special interests and don’t put forward a comprehensive policy for their citizens to follow. This causes confusion, uncertainty and cirrhosis of the liver. Men and women want to know where they stand and what’s expected of them. One unnamed leader of an African country hasn’t uttered a single word in ten years since he found out that his parrot got married.

Most adults look up to their leaders and expect them to set good examples morally and ethically. Of course, this doesn’t count for western democracies. Sadly, citizens are constantly disappointed in their country’s hierarchy – imagine the embarrassment that Bulgarians felt when their President outlawed hiccupping; Finns are barred from visiting the Vatican unless they wear bikinis, fake noses and glasses; and, of course, male Libyans face the death penalty if they cheat on their wife with a large possum.

People need structure…rules that they can follow in order to lead a productive life. More Presidents and Prime Ministers should follow the example of President Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan. He rules his Central Asian country with an iron fist. This splendid fellow ordered all Comedy Clubs out of his country so that he could institute major league Yak races which he’s hoping ESPN will telecast. President Niyazov has led the former Soviet republic for 20-years, creating a personality cult around him and issuing decrees regulating behavior in all aspects of life. Let’s hear it for old Saparmurat. If we had more leaders like him most conflicts would end immediately or by hangman’s noose.

Here are some examples of this far sighted chief’s decrees: in 2001, he banned opera and ballet as not corresponding with the national mentality. Most Turkmenistians didn’t know they had a national mentality. (For that matter most didn’t realize they had any mentality.) Young men and women hoping to get married in Turkmenistan must spend two months playing whist with a plate of chives before they can get a marriage license. President Saparmurat announced that he didn’t want “fat broads wearing horns singing or slim young men with huge bundles poking from their leotards appearing on Turkmenistan Idol.” The official decree banning these actions ended with a firm, “Feh!”

“The great, brilliant and adorable leader,” which is his official title has also called on young people not to get gold tooth caps and urged authorities to crack down on young men wearing beards or long hair. Young women wearing beards are exempt from the law.

To recap: this authoritarian president had outlawed opera, ballet, long beards and hair and gold teeth. But, just recently after watching twenty-four straight hours of John Tesh perform in concert he has decided to wipe out another perceived scourge: lip synching. Saparmurat has ordered a ban on lip synching performances across his country, citing “a negative effect on the development of singing and musical art,” the president’s office said.

“Unfortunately, one can see on television old voiceless singers lip-synching their old songs,” Niyazov told a Cabinet meeting in comments broadcast on state TV. (At last count there were five black and white televisions sets in the entire country.) “Don’t kill talents by using lip synching….Create our new culture.” Under his new order, lip synching is now prohibited at all cultural events, concerts, on television – and now at private celebrations such as weddings. This ban doesn’t affect chutney cooking festivals or circumcisions.

Question: of Turkmen can bar lip-synching why can’t MTV?

ARE WE BEING INVADED?

Bored? Wondering what to do that will be stimulating and exciting? Why not make a reservation for next year’s Little Green Men Festival in Hopkinsville, Kentucky? I’m not talking about seasick Munshkins or a gay touring company of leprechauns singing Paul Anka hit songs.

It seems that Hopkinsville, Ky. is host to the annual conference of UFO enthusiasts and experts. Peter Davenport, director of the National UFO Reporting Center in Seattle was the guest speaker. He entertained the assembled crowd with tales of what he believes are some of the more fascinating, provable cases reported. Davenport chortled (he’s taking cough medicine for his chortle) that he has received more phone calls than he cares to count that have an unusual opening: “Please believe me, I’m not crazy.” The audience of wacko’s laughed, applauded and waved the antennas sticking out of their heads at him.

After a lifetime of studying what many brush off as science fiction, Davenport feels certain that UFOs exist and have been witnessed on Earth, and second, that the government has known about them for decades. This year’s festival commemorated the 50th anniversary of the August 21, 1955, report of an alien invasion at Kelly. The publicity put out by the festival didn’t elucidate “the Kelly” invaded. Was it a military installation, or some sexually active cheerleader named, Kelly?

Davenport has spent the last 11 years filing accounts and eyewitness reports of UFO sightings from a reporting center that consists of one phone, one fax, one Web master and one toaster, and is almost completely funded by Davenport and donations from Pluto and Mars.

Peter said his perspective of UFO sightings took on a whole new dimension when he was 6-years-old on a July night in 1954. Davenport said that’s when he, his mom and brother saw a strange object in the sky while at a drive-in theater on the edge of the St. Louis Airport. “We didn’t know it at the time, but my father, and people in the tower on the north side of the airport, were looking at the same object with their binoculars,” he said. What his father was doing looking through binoculars instead of watching the movie starring Oscar Homulka and Anne Sheridan was never explained.

Davenport said the object was about the size of the moon, bright red like a traffic signal and slightly oval in shape. “And it stopped, almost stock-still, in the sky to the east of our location. People were getting out of their cars,” Peter said. “It was casting a red light…all over the theater, all over the airport, as far as we could see.” When notified, authorities claimed the red light was from a police car trying to stop exotic petting from teens in Nash Ramblers.

Since then, Davenport has logged literally thousands of calls about colored lights, flying and hovering disks on his web site, at www.ufocenter.com, but he’s hesitant to say that all the calls are legitimate. One caller reported that he was taken aboard a Flying Saucer and little green aliens measured his in-seam, shook their round heads and let him go. A little old lady caller swore that people from Mars captured her, performed experiments on her body, while she was asleep, and when she woke up she was running in the Preakness. She paid $28.

Obviously the debate about UFOs has raged for years. Most people don’t believe in them or in aliens landing on earth. However, there are many military personnel, pilots and law enforcement officials who are not so sure. I urge you to go to the UFO website and see for yourself. A recent sighting report from Meridian, Idaho claims this family was driving home from Fruitland, Idaho when from out of nowhere a strange light approached the side of the car at ground level and then flew right over them. “It hardly made any sound at all. Maybe something like a bird’s tweet…or a fart.” The driver claimed that he could see 4 bright white lights that were round in shape. “I felt like I was being watched for a split second. One of the lights seemed to wink at me,” he said. “After it flew over the car it dove into the field next to us and its light went out. It looked like a long wing or saucer. It suddenly whipped around and jumped back up in the sky and hovered above the trees.” The driver was so nervous he dropped the gallon of moonshine he was chugalugging when he first spotted the UFO. His only complaint to authorities was that after the event his left foot grew 3 more toes.

Are there UFOs or is it just the imagination of susceptible people? I tend to believe that there are aliens and dangerous visitors from outer space – how else can you explain the strange people residing in the White House?

MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN.....

The English are a classy lot. They are often in the forefront of things: styles, music, literature and perversion. Who can ever forget mini-skirts, see-through blouses, Twiggy and Mary Quant? The Beatles, Rolling Stones and The Hostilities…a musical group that made no records, gave no performances but were voted “The Most Obnoxious, Un-Talented Musicians” by Billboard three years running. Willy Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and Reginald Cooper who created a catalogue of Hong Kong honeymoon accessories. As to the perversion part – everyone in Britain please stand up.

The Royals are in a class by themselves. One King was jailed, in the Tower of London, when his compulsion to live with a family of beavers became public knowledge; Queen Shirley insisted on having a pair of testicles hanging from the Royal carriage; and recently Prince Charles fucked his new/old bride Camilla so hard her freckles fell off. I love them all dearly and wish the occupants of the White House had an ounce of their craziness.

The thing I admire most about the Brits is that they are decent and loyal people. They care. “To illustrate the last remark, Jonah in the Whale, Noah in the Ark.” Enough with the Johnny Mercer lyrics.

It has been reported that British troops combating the heat, dust and danger of Iraq and Afghanistan have a new weapon in there armory. Unlike the poor American service men and women who still don’t have enough modern protective gear although it was promised two years ago…the British soldier’s equipment is among the best in the world, topped only by the Icelandic military. The latest addition to the British arsenal is – germ-fighting underwear.

The new antimicrobial underpants have been introduced by the Ministry of Defense as part of a new desert uniform for soldiers. “Hello, underpants, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Actually, they are the first undergarments issued to British troops, who traditionally have had to supply their own. I didn’t say the Brits were perfect but almost so. Can you imagine American troops having to supply their own jockey shorts? “Say, what, motherfucker? I don’t wear no underwear, gotta let my Johnson breathe…you can ax my ount.”

Military officials said the unisex trunks were made from artificial fibers for comfort, with silver particles woven into the material to prevent sweating. Even though the British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are all male they went unisex for all the cross-dressing soldiers. “It is coated to prevent bacterial infection, and we have tried to arrange the seams so that they don’t chafe,” Col. Silas Suchanek, who led the team that produced the new nappies. Yeah, like the Marines would give a crap about chaffing. Chafe this!

The army’s new desert kit also includes boots with rubber soles designed to withstand temperatures of up to 572 degrees, wraparound sunglasses, light Kevlar-nylon helmets and “combat sandals” for off-duty wear. A full make-up kit is optional.

The reason for the change in equipment is because in the past the British Army has faced criticism for allegedly inadequate equipment. A government report on a military exercise in Oman found that soldiers complained that standard-issue boots fell apart or melted in the sun and in some instances caused foot rot, while the man-made fibers of standard uniforms resulted in heat stress illnesses. Armed Forces Minister Adam Ingram said the new equipment would make Britain’s troops “among the best equipped in the world, ready to face environments ranging from desert conditions in Iraq, monsoon conditions in Brunel, to winter in the Balkans.”

Gunga-Din was the most famous casualty as a result of poor uniforms. His army-issue diaper caused him to sing “Granada” to an imaginary herring.

YO-HO-HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

There is something refreshing about people who have a dream and spend the time, effort and money to full-fill that dream. For too long we’ve been barraged with complaints that men and women today are complacent and lazy. Maybe some are but the list of ‘dreamers’ who take action grows faster than a pro football player on steroids.

Most of the people who are effective and strong enough to make their dreams a reality are unknown. They are not interested in notoriety and publicity. They are content with the knowledge that they were successful in their journey. A few examples of these selfless individuals are: Dorothy Hume, who believed that if you search for things long enough they will be found. To prove her contention she once shined a flashlight into a pair of shoes she received on her birthday and called out, “Anybody in there? Eh? Come on out.” Harry Albert who preached that cleanliness was next to Godliness and spent his entire life keeping a neat wallet; young Wally Sanft who convinced himself that sticktoidness was the key to any problem…to never give up. He decided to write the definitive book on the subject although he never had a formal education. Wally poo-poo’d those who warned him about the possibility of writer block. During the last three years his literary output was a series of commas.

The latest ‘dreamer’ to join this illustrious group is Robert McDonald. McDonald always considered the film, “TheVikings” his all-time favorite. The thought of Kirk Douglas wearing a pointed helmet and horns is enough to send Robert into spasms. He became obsessed with Vikings and their history of pillaging and plundering. This former Hollywood stuntman devoted two years of his life to prove that Icelander Leif Ericsson and the Vikings were the first Europeans to set foot on the American continent in the year 1,000 AD. He wanted to put an end to the canard that Christopher Columbus discovered American in 1492 as he sailed the Pinta, Maria and Super-Chief. McDonald decided to build a replica of a Viking longboat and sail it across the Atlantic.

The 15-meter ship, which took Robert two-years to build, is to be launched in Amsterdam harbor with a crew of around 25. If the simple feat of building his longboat wasn’t enough, McDonald decided to build it out of ice cream sticks. Can you imagine sailing across the Atlantic on a ship made of popsickle sticks? He's either a daredevil or a nutcase. I'd be nervous sailing on The Queen Mary. Probably sleep in a lifeboat. Hell, when I ride in a golf cart I wear a seatbelt and helmet. I have training wheels on my shoes.

The Viking longboat, equipped with oars and a mast, is built with ice cream sticks of birch-wood glued together painstakingly by McDonald and two volunteers in a Dutch workshop. “It’s a dream come true. It’s truly worth all the hard work,” McDonald said. His two helpers had nothing to say since their tongues are glued to their teeth.

“I never want to look at glue again. I don’t think I will be in a hurry to look at ice cream sticks again,” joked the 45-year-old from Jacksonville, Florida. Robert credits his sense of humor to Woody Allen as McDonald was Woody’s stand-in in all his fight scenes.

The ice cream sticks used to make the ship were provided by Unilever’s ice cream maker OLA and by children who collected discarded sticks around the world. “The ultimate goal is to sail across the Atlantic in the Viking style,” McDonald said. When asked if he was worried that the 15 million ice cream sticks might break apart and the glue melt, this brave sailor shrugged and retorted, “Hey, dude, that’s the way the ship crumbles.”

I say Hail and Farewell to Robert McDonald and may his life always be filled with sprinkles and hot fudge.

THERE'S ALWAYS A BUYER.

Have you ever heard of Golden Palace.com? If you haven’t you’re probably richer for it. It’s an Internet Casino – you know, one of those web-sites that allows wannabe Amarillo Slims or Beaumont-Overweight-Shirleys to play games of chance with no chance of winning. Golden Palace is just one of many gambling Internet sites. They’re all doing well, thank you, because there are hundreds of thousands of suckers eager to lose their hard earned cash.

But, Golden Palace is also the most unique gambling web-site around. It doesn’t offer famous entertainers performing in its lounge: The Rat Pack, Rip Taylor or Connie Francis having a nervous breakdown. It doesn’t offer free all-you-can-eat buffets for ‘players.’ It doesn’t boast of a world class art collection – although it does have 3 clowns painted by Red Skelton. What it does have is a pretzel shaped like the Virgin Mary.

Golden Palace is known for its collection of oddities – odd items. All these crazy, useless items will one day be housed in a traveling museum that the online casino is creating for its collection. Obviously the owners of Golden Palace are our kind of people and deserve your business.

This week they paid $1,775 on eBay for are you…ready?...a pierogi that looks like an image of Jesus. Golden Palace considers their buy as one-of-a-kind find. Even if you’re not a gourmet cook you should know that an image of Jesus on a pierogi is unusual. Many people have tried to pawn off pierogis before with the likeness of Jane Powell, Gil Hodges and Alexander Butterfield…but Jesus? Jesus.

The seller, Donna Lee, said the Jesus face appeared when she was cooking Polish Dumplings for Easter dinner at her home in Point Place, a Toledo suburb on Lake Erie. She’s kept it in her freezer ever since but did take the precaution of wrapping the Jesus pierogi in a warm outer jacket and earmuffs.

I think Donna Lee deserves some applause because she didn’t immediately call the media to her home and make a big deal out of her special pierogi. You read all the time of some nutso who turns their home into a religious shrine hoping to make a buck on an iced-over window that supposedly depicts Judas asking for separate checks at The Last Supper. Those religious con men and women should be ashamed and be cast into Hell with most politicians and theatrical agents.

Donna Lee waited years before she offered her rare potato dumpling on eBay. If she had made a big deal out of it when her Jesus first appeared in her frying pan she was afraid they’d commit her to the Toledo Home-for-the-Silly. Remember, the words of Heidi Fleiss…”for every item there’s a buyer.” Well, Golden Palace is thrilled with their buy. “We seem to have an interest in all of these religious items,” said Drew Black, a marketing spokesperson for GoldenPalace.com.

Among the other oddities that the pierogi will join is, a 10-year-old, partially eaten cheese sandwich though to contain the image of the Virgin Mary; the pretzel shaped like the Virgin Mary holding a baby Jesus – notice how many of these ‘religious’ items are of the Virgin Mary? That’s probably because a virgin is such a rare commodity these days; a tomato in the likeness of Noah wearing Speedos; and a pregnancy test that allegedly belonged to Britney Spears.

I salute these entrepreneurs and wish them well along with their collection of keepsakes. If you have a few extra shillings rattling around in your cummerbund dial up GoldenPalace.com on your computer and get rid of it.

THERE'S NO BIZ LIKE SHOW BIZ.....

It must be wonderful being a father and having your son follow in your foot steps. I wouldn’t know. I was too rich to have a father. Even sadder, I have no progeny – male, female or “other” – who I can hope will follow in my chosen career – as producer of, “Blowjobs for The Rich and Famous.”

There have been many famous father/son teams: John Adams and John Quincy; Evil and Evil, Jr. of daredevil fame; Philip DeGeneres and his son, Ellen; Alexander the Great and Herman the Below Average; and joining this illustrious group is Olivier and Yohann Roussel. You might not be familiar with the Roussel’s but they are household names in Trie-Sur-Baise, France.

They are local celebrities. Even more revered than Gary Coleman. Show business is in their blood. Grandpa Maurice was famous for his impersonation of Edith Piaf. Okay, the old guy liked to dress in drag which doesn’t make him a bad person. Yohann and Olivier’s performance climaxed in a cacophony of oinks and grunts, unleashing an explosion of applause as this father-and-son team were declared France’s official Pig-Squealing Champions of 2005.

For those ignorant fools who just think a person has to oink loudly to win a pig-squealing contest, sit back and learn something about this very old and delicate art. The crowd and panel of judges were amazed and impressed by the Roussel’s vocal imitations of pigs in all four of the required categories, reflecting key milestones of porcine existence: from noisy farmyard birth to death under the knife, via suckling and – inevitably – mating. Rich Little would be too chicken to enter this pig competition.

France’s handful of “fetes follies,” or crazy festivals, attract a regular cult following and throngs of thousands of holidaymakers. One fete features an acclaimed lying contest; another boasts a long distance spitting competition. This is proof that the French not only are anti-American but imbeciles to boot.

But the annual Pig Festival and French Pig-Squealing Championships in Trie-sur-Baise, a remote farming village in the foothills of the Pyrenees, are acknowledged to be in a class of their own. The fun doesn’t stop with the oinks and grunts, no siree, besides the pig-squealing, there were awards in the Sunday competition for pigging-out – this year’s winner ate nearly 4 feet of blood sausage in under five minutes – and heavy gambling on the final eight-piglet race. ESPN will probably cover the event and I’m willing to bet that Paris Hilton will be invited next year as Queen Pig.

Stepping up to the microphone in hastily improvised pig outfits – the decision to enter the competition had been taken only the night before as pere Olivier and young Yohann were having sex with an artichoke ( Olivier believes a family that humps veggies together stays together) – the Roussels let rip with a chorus of uncannily realistic squeals, grunts and snuffles before the packed house, topped with a delicately choreographed courtship scene. Oh, to have been there…..

These two talented but humble Frenchies happily collected their first prize: a whole pig butchered and cured with local spices including amphetamine and hash.
“We still have work to do to perfect the pig act,” said Olivier, 40, his 20-year old son Yohann nodding agreement. “But after that, who knows? Why not try other animals?” Why not indeed? They could probably become the AFLAC duck without even breaking a sweat. Ed Sullivan must be turning over in his grave wishing he had an audience to introduce the Roussels from.

I don’t know about you but I’m booking a suite in the local 5-star pig-sty for next year’s fete.

TAKING A TURN FOR THE NURSE......

Hospitals are not healthy places to be in. They’re no fun…too many sick people around. Why doesn’t some entrepreneur build a hospital for healthy people only? Let the sick people sit in the waiting room? Even though many hospitals have used bright colors to liven up their floors and have personnel wearing chic scrubs…the truth is they’re depressing places.

I don’t like to even visit friends who are in one. The rooms are ugly without any charm. Would it hurt to have barca-loungers or hammocks instead of those dumb hospital beds? I mean, it’d at least be funny if the patient couldn’t control the bed and it kept going up and down endlessly. Kind of like a human accordion. The food in most hospitals would make roaches send out for food. Can anyone explain why nurses on the ward insist on waking you up every two hours at night to ask you dumb questions, like: What is the capitol of Nebraska? “I don’t give a shit, bitch, lemme sleep.”

The other thing that gets me crazy is the need to bring “funny” gifts to someone lying in a bed with tubes coming out of every orifice. I guess it’s our need to try and lighten things up. A child’s coloring books for some octogenarian who is shaking like he has a third rail stuck up his tush; boxes of candy for some poor diabetic; colorful balloons that pop suddenly causing a heart patient to go into a coma; plants sucking the air out of the room of a patient who has emphysema…and the beat goes on. There something very embarrassing about someone calling you by your first name while emptying your bed pan.

All kidding aside hospitals are usually places where a sick person can find peace and quiet. You hope your doctor or surgeon actually has a medical diploma and not from one of those major medical schools in Rwanda, Grenada or Latvia.

What a patient doesn’t need are surprises. That’s what Melvin Reed thought when he went in to a London, England hospital for triple bypass surgery. As he was being wheeled into the operating room he probably hoped that after the operation his eyelids would flutter open and he’d see the ceiling light. Actually, he probably would have settled for just his eyelids opening.

When Melvin woke after the successful operation guess what he saw in his room? Flowers, get well cards, sweet goodies, sure – but what he didn’t expect to see staring at him was his wife Jean along with his wife Denise and his wife Lyndsey.

All of his spouses turned up at the same time, despite Melvin’s efforts to stagger their visits. It didn’t take long for the three women to realize that Reed was a serial bigamist and that they were all married to the same swine at the same time. Bigamy happens to be illegal in Britain. Buggering boys isn’t and royals having long term affairs with horse faced women is considered quite normal.

Reed married his first wife, Jean Grafton, in 1996, then left her without divorcing her. He went on to marry Denise Harrington in 1998, then married Lyndsey Hutchinson in 2003. Obviously, Melvin liked getting married more than he liked getting divorced. I guess he was of the belief that you keep doing it until you get it right.

The Brits frown upon bigamy and the courts dealt with Reed harshly. In spite of wearing a powdered wig the judge threw the book at him. He was given a four-month suspended sentence and ordered to pay $126 in costs. When his last two wives inquired about getting their marriages annulled lawyers pointed out that their marriages were never valid in the first place. That must have made them feel really good.

If Mr. Reed didn’t have to go into the hospital nobody would have been wiser especially his three wives. The moral to this sordid story is stay the hell away from hospitals if you’re sick, a bigamist or a saxophone player.

LOVE, HONOR AND NEVER OBEY.

Many cynical people believe the secret to a happy marriage is to remain single. Why would anyone in their right mind deliberately set out to compromise their freedom, independence and liberty by committing to a relationship with someone you barely know? It’s a complicated issue. Fans of marriage claim it’s an institution – critics say so is an insane asylum. In the words of that great romantic Henny Youngman, “Take my wife, please.” Or answer the question of why this book is on the N.Y. Time’s best seller list: “Women are from Jupiter and Men from Hunger.”

These same cynical men and women point out that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s pretty lousy odds. “Buy this car and you have a 50% chance of not getting into an accident.” Would you? “Ordering this meal will afford you a 50% chance of not getting food poisoning.” Check, please. You get the idea, right? If over half the marriages end in failure what gives us the right to believe we won’t become a statistic?

What does “soul mate,” mean? Men and women constantly say they’re looking for their soul mate. Do they look on eBay? Critics of marriage insist those poor souls searching for a “soul mate,” really mean a husband or wife who will solve all their neurotic insecurities? Will ignore their warts and deficiencies and devote their own life to coddling and being your tooth fairy? The truth is that isn’t going to happen. You want something to make you feel happy, less lonely and to be totally loyal – buy a Chihuahua.

For decades too many couples got married because of lust. They mistakenly thought that sex was enough to keep a relationship together. Not true. What really happens is in a few years, the wife wakes up to see her beer-bellied husband scratching his crotch and letting out a big fart? “Oh, baby, baby, just climb back in bed, stud-muffin, and whip out that purple-headed love machine.” Or, a husband returning from work to find his “bride,” her hair in curlers, 52-pounds overweight watching a soap opera and telling him to get his own goddamn dinner? “No problemo, honey bunny, God, you look so sexy, I’m getting a semi-soft.”

Sex is great and pleasurable. But, it has the shelf life of an open container of milk in Death Valley. Pessimists argue that sex has nothing to do with marriage and if you don’t believe that ask most married men and women. Well, to all those cynical, gloomy, despairing misanthropes I say “stuff and nonsense.” I happen to be a romantic fool who believes in marriage – even though I got married and divorced at the same ceremony.

Is there anything nicer and more comforting than seeing an elderly married couple walking hand in hand to buy more Depends? Sitting on rocking chairs – going back and forth as their dentures fall out? The joy, happiness and support that a long marriage gives people are nothing to be sneezed at. Ah, the memories they can share. Wonderful.

By way of proof, a Japanese man aged 104 and his 103-year-old wife plan to claim the title of the world’s oldest married couple after hearing it was awarded to two Americans aged 23 and 26. Yoichi Gomi obviously stole the cradle when he married Kazono. This couple married 72 years, appeared to have difficulty recalling their ages during a televised news conference in their home town of Yokohama. For those of you curious, the 72 Anniversary is “breathing.”

“You have to have a lot of hope,” said Yoichi, a former civil servant, when asked the secret of living a long life. Prunes every morning also couldn’t hurt. “You have to want to be alive. What we enjoy most is spending time together,” he continued. His wife appeared to shake her head as he spoke. This proves once and for all that wives, even at 103, never agree with their husbands. “You get bored just living such a long time. I don’t enjoy anything any more,” Kozono said.

Reality check time: How many times has a wife said that she didn’t enjoy anything anymore, especially with her husband? Raise those hands.

THE LITTLE WHITE LIE!

We are taught never to tell a lie. Some of our greatest Americans lived by that golden rule. George Washington confessed that he had indeed chopped down the family cherry tree when he was found with an electric saw and purple lips.

But far more didn’t confess their falsehoods and suffered for it. Abe Lincoln wouldn’t admit that he was only 5’-2”, wore lifts in his size 16 boots and was shot while watching a road company of Guys & Dolls. When Dick Nixon swore that he wasn’t a crook and had nothing to do with Watergate he was run out of office and was forced to consider suicide by inhaling next to a New York cabbie; Bill Clinton stuck to his fabrication that “he didn’t have sex with that woman” until he became pregnant with Monica’s child; and finally Vladimir Dubinsky, who for years claimed that he played first chair with the Vienna Symphony, was found out when he had to give the chair back. The lesson is, do not lie and if you do -- admit it immediately.

Lying gets you no where unless you are a member of Congress. Case in point: Ezzy Dame (a stripper’s name if I ever heard one), a high-fashion hairdresser and art enthusiast living in Reno, Nevada confessed to fibbing and feels better for it. Dame, 57, who has the finest collection of velvet Elvis paintings in the country had for long claimed to have played one of Willy Wonka’s “Ooompa Loompas” in the original 1971 motion picture now admits he was lying. The dirty swine!

He tearfully said the false claim seemed harmless at the time but grew into a beast of a deception. “It was not for fame or glory,” said Dame. “I never made a profit or earned a financial gain from this.” Oh, yeah, how about all the money he made from women who wanted to have their hair teased by an Ooompa Loompa? The wee 4 feet tall lying bastard posed for two decades as one of the original Oooompa Loompas. “There is something so special when a child looks at a little person and they’re not scared or feel that they’re looking at a freak.” Cher must identify with that. “When you say you played the part, they look at you and smile. They see you as a human being,” he said.

“I never intended to harm anyone or my community by this little white lie. It was a little white lie that became my haunted nightmare.” Notice that this underhanded midget uses the words, “little” constantly in his confession seeking sympathy. I say a pox on him. Dame said the nightmare began two decades ago after he put it on his acting resume on the advice of his agent in Los Angeles. His agent, Bernie told him to “pad” his resume with an acting credit from the 1971 film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” This false acting credit allowed Dame to get more important movie roles. He played John Wayne in the remake of “Shane” which Wayne wasn’t even in. Just shows how lies multiply and grow.

Ezzy Dame’s bogus story came to light when he had the chutzpah to criticize Tim Burton’s remake of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” and compared the two films from an Ooompa Loompa’s perspective. That’s when the claim came to the attention of Rusty Goff, credited in the original film as an Ooompa Loompa. “There were only 10 original Ooompa Loompas,” Goff of England said. “There were six English guys, one English girl, one Turkish, one Maltese and one German.” Did Dame think Ooompa Loompas grew on trees?

Not only did Dame fabricate but he cemented the view of the “ugly American” by lying to film buffs all over the globe. I hope Mr. Dame is proud of himself. How can a young boy or girl look him in the eye and believe anything he says anymore? Probably by bending down.

IT'S ONLY A GAME.......

The world is going to hell in a hand basket. I’m not sure what that means but some bore from Nebraska can probably explain it.

Remember when we were kids, listening to the radio and using our imaginations? Even at the start of television in the fifties we’d stare at TV test patterns and imagine we were watching something wonderful…not a static freeze frame. God, for the good old days of Kukla, Fran and Ollie or John Cameron Swayze as he put a watch on an outboard motor to prove how durable it was . Faye Emerson, Dagmar, the Roller Derby, Gorgeous George and Gillette’s Friday Night Fights from Madison Square Garden. We were all innocents -- excited by eating terrible Salisbury steak and tasteless turkey TV dinners as we watched our favorite shows. The most violent thing we saw was Fatso Marco hit Milton Berle with an enormous powder puff when Uncle Miltie shouted for, “make-up.”

Well, pilgrim, those innocent days are long gone. The attention span of the average young adult or kid today equals that of a gnat divided by a cuttlefish and a pretzel. Some blame this problem on MTV, mindless, fast paced commercials, music videos, computers and other inventions that dumb-down young people’s minds while their parents complain to Dr. Phil that their kids seem remote and won’t listen.

As soon as someone puts out, “this week’s newest electronic gadget” every kid’s got to have it. Most teens don’t know anything about the world they live in. They think Paula Abdul is the capitol of Iraq. But put a computer, I-pod or computer game in their hands and they’re members of Mensa.

The real problem with these computer games is that so many are violent. What kind of message do they send to our youth? Listen to children proudly discuss these games…”I assassinated him; shot him, blew him up, ambushed them, killed all of them, ran them off the road and they crashed on the rocks below,”…..they sound like guests on Maury Povich. It’s pretty frightening to consider the generation growing up who consider violence so casually.

As bad an influence these computer games have on youth meet this year’s dumbest adult. It seems a 28-year old man from South Korea by the name of Lee – there can’t be too many Lee’s in Seoul – was a computer game fanatic. He decided to plant himself in front of a computer monitor to play on-line battle simulation games on August 3rd. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet.

South Korea is one of the most wired countries in the world and has a large and highly developed computer game industry. Mr. Lee, an obvious genius, recently had quit his job to spend more time playing these battle simulation games at his local Internet café. Perhaps he was planning on figuring out a way to take-out North Korea’s nuclear industry.

After he failed to return home, Lee’s mother asked a friend to try and find him. Perhaps she was worried that her son decided to attack Pork Chop Hill with his pair of flip-flops. When the friend reached the café, Lee, who had been playing for 50 non-stop hours, told his buddy that he would just finish the game and then would go home. His mom was making his favorite meal of pickled octopus with a side of kasha. He finished the game, stood up, had a massive heart attack and died.

So in the end, the battle simulation game kicked his ass. The moral of this true story is if you have kids or grandchildren who like to play violent battle simulation games burn their computers and buy them a radio.

DRINK UP........

Many, many people suffer from the growing problem of OCB. Obsessive, Compulsive Behavior is a debilitating emotional disease which afflicts men and women equally. Its chief symptom is uncontrollable, repeated behavior – like washing hands continually, repeating certain words or phrases, being fixated on certain numbers…and in rare cases finding yourself dancing the Hucklebuck.

There is no known cure for the disease. Medication helps some people, therapy and acknowledgment of the problem helps, also. There is a school of thought that believes trying to teach goldfish to sing, “I’ve Got Rhythm,” might lessen the effects of OCB. However, if you have a male relative who is unable to pass a roast chicken without tipping his hat….don’t hold out much hope.

There's debate in medical circles about whether Rafael Antonio Lozano suffers from this dreaded disease. I’ll let you be the judge. Lozano decided in 1997 to spend the rest of his life drinking a caffeinated coffee at every corporate-owned Starbucks store on the planet. Once he accomplishes his mission he plans on visiting Pluto for a grande latte.

Why, you ask, would any sane man dedicate his life to drinking a cup of coffee at every Starbucks on earth? The simple answer is that Rafael is probably crazier than the priest who believed taking a haircut during a total eclipse caused sterility. As of August 8, 2005, he had visited 4,775 Starbucks in North America and 213 in other parts of the world. Outside of North America, he has gone to Starbucks in Spain, England, France and Japan. According to the Seattle-based company there are 5,715 corporate-owned Starbucks in the world.

Rafael Lozano said his trek has been satisfactory on many levels, not the least of which is that it has allowed him to be on a nearly constant road trip for eight years. He also admits that after consuming the nearly 5,000 caffeinated coffees he hasn’t slept in eight years saving him a fortune on alarm clocks.

Having the incessant goal of reaching the next Starbucks provided another benefit. “Every time I reach a Starbucks I feel like I’ve accomplished something,” he said, “when actually I have accomplished nothing.” Aha….there you have it direct from the nutso’s mouth. He fools himself until he drinks the next coffee and then realizes he’s a sick putz!

Rafael is most proud of his single-day record of visiting 29 Starbucks in California…although he admits that when he gagged down the last espresso he was a tad nauseous. I’ve thrown up three times just writing this. Our coffee logged hero earns money to keep his quest going by doing computer programming work at his home in Silver Spring, Maryland. He hasn’t explained why he insists on only visiting corporate-owned Starbucks – not franchise stores. Could it be that Lozano is the illegitimate son of Mr. Star or Mr. Buck?

If this stunt wasn’t weird enough a movie is being filmed about his life as a Starbucks junkie. It’s called funnily enough, “Starbucking.” Rafael hopes the film does well so that he might have the opportunity of meeting Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson. I’m sure both actresses are clearing their schedules, as we speak.

He does say that the only thing that will prevent him from accomplishing his goal is the speed at which new stores are opening….oh, and perhaps his kidneys exploding.

Whatdya think? Does he have OCB or is he just off his chump? Can he stop himself on this obsessive mission? At this late date can he switch drinks to iced tea or malteds?

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT.

“The Devil Made Me Do It.” Remember that? There are many phrases like that one which people use as an excuse, a cop out for their bad behavior. Rather than take responsibility for doing something illegal or just plain weird like: the guy in Idaho who blew up City Hall to protest the unfair law prohibiting albinos from wearing loafers to the movies…people look for scapegoats to justify their actions.

“If the shoe don’t fit – you must acquit”….why? Maybe the guilty party grew a hammer-toe or the shoe salesman had guzzled a case of Chateau Chihuahua the night before and his eyes had switched sockets – why should we acquit? Just because some shyster uses a catchy and rhyming line doesn’t mean his client’s inability to say the word ‘mackinaw’ in the presence of women shouldn’t excuse his dressing like a Panda. What? Where was I?

People charged with crimes often blame others or ‘things’ for making them do whatever the heck they’re charged with. “It wasn’t my fault. I’d been playing violent video games for a month straight before I carved the story of Dumbo on his nose with jackhammer.” “Watching television all day and singing rap music was responsible for me going to live with a family of beavers.” “If I didn’t go to see the last Adam Sandler movie I never would have shoved my pitchfork up her nose.” What a bunch of wussies. Admit what you did and be man or woman enough to take your punishment.

The worst example of this copping out comes from Gold Hill, Oregon. A 15-year old boy blames the arbiters of class and good taste The Three Stooges for what he did. You heard right – Moe, Curly and Shep are to blame for David Thumier pinching and twisting the nipples of a 13-year old in a local deli. Young David must be one sick kid because the “victim” nipples weren’t even on a girl; they were part of 13-year old Matthew Cox’s chest. Thumier was charged and sentenced to three days of community service for harassment. Any fan of Moe, Curly and Shep should be outraged by this young nipple-twister’s use of their names by way of defense. Shame on him.

David Thumier said the “titty-twister” as just horseplay. Well, any normal 15-year old boy would have at least tried it on a blonde cheerleader named, Ginger, not a 13-year old boy waiting for a corned-beef sandwich. The mother of the victim counters that the incident was humiliating for her son, who saw it as an assault from an older, bigger bully. “They’re not friends,” she said. “If he was my son’s friend, it would be a different thing.” Watch it, lady; you may have given the titty-twister grounds for appeal….right up to The Supreme Court. If it’s okay for friends to twist each other’s nipples, Justices Scalia and Thomas would spend all day doing it.

In addition to the community service, Thumier has been ordered to pay a $67 fine and the misdemeanor has been placed on his permanent record. Wow. If David Thumier is ever nominated for Secretary of State just imagine what Ted Kennedy could do with that information. We’re talking filibuster here.

Ken Chapman, a Jackson County juvenile probation supervisor, said Oregon law defines physical harassments as “offensive physical touching.” That includes such adolescent antics as “wet-willies,” “wedgies,” “swirlies,” noogies” and all other forms of “Three Stooges” behavior, Chapman said.

Moe, Curly and Shep must be turning over in their graves.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

People are very weird. No, that’s not the name of a new reality TV show on Fox. It’s a statement of fact. Each day men and women prove beyond any doubt that they are off their tree. They perform or attempt to perform feats or accomplishments that a retarded chimp would turn down. Example: The crippled couple arrested for screwing on a roller coaster.

Do people do these bizarre things for publicity, to enter the Guinness Book of World Records, to be invited on Geraldo’s show or just because they’re bonkers, nuts, and cuckoos? Here are some of my other favorite crazy stunts: the couple whose marriage ended over some parsley; the teenager who tried to suffocate himself by hiding in a large crepe; the rabbi who went crazy believing that someone was rubbing pork on his yarmulke; the young bride who dreamed that some men broke into her bedroom to shampoo her; the who old lady who insisted on screaming, “yikes” and then hitting relatives with a pig bladder; the wannabe impresario who lost his money booking some beavers into Carnegie Hall to sing Barry Manilow. There are others, many others who could make the list.

Why? Is always the question people ask when hearing about ‘today’s’ mind blowing attempted feat. That’s a question I’d like to ask Sonya Thomas who stunned a large audience in Sheboygan, Wis., as she gobbled her way to another speed-eating title. This 99-pound Burger King Manager from Alexandria, Virginia, is ranked second by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Did you know there actually was a recognized group that sanctions eating contests around the world? They’re like the International Olympic Committee of disgusting food gorging competitions. See what you learn when reading The Ranting Old Geezer?

Here’s what Ms. Thomas did in Sheboygan. Sounds like a vaudeville song, doesn’t it? The woman known as The Black Widow on the competitive-eating circuit downed 35 bratwursts in ten minutes. She edged out her nearest competitor by half a brat to win. “I don’t know where she puts it,” a spectator was heard to say on the way to an upchucking bucket. “I got sick watching her.” Understandable. What isn’t is why this idiot spectator was watching the contest in the first place. The previous bratwurst-eating record was 19 ½ brats in 10-minutes. Sonya Thomas bettered that with one tonsil tied behind her back.

Sonya’s other eating records include ones for hard-boiled eggs (65 in 6 minutes 40 seconds) – she made Cool Hand Luke look like a Karen Carpenter – and chicken wings (167 in 32 minutes). The day before the brat-eating contest, she won a grilled-cheese-sandwich eating contest in San Diego, eating 22 in less time than it takes to say, “More gruel, please, sir.”

Where does this young woman get the money to travel to the various eating-contests? Does she just float from San Diego to Sheboygan like the Goodyear blimp? Does she have an antacid sponsor? Are eating-contests amateur events or is Thomas considered a professional pig? If Ed Sullivan was still alive he’d be introducing Sonya Thomas sitting in his audience. Maybe he’d call her onstage to munch down the McGuire sisters.

Since she obviously spends a lot of time competing in these fressing events when does she have time to work at Burger King? When she was growing up, the Thomas house probably never had garbage. She was the human disposal. Talk about a kid taking her mother’s appeals to eat all her food because kids are starving in Cleveland to heart? She probably attends PA meetings…Pigs Anonymous.

At only 99-pounds one has to wonder how she can pack away all that food without exploding. She probably rests her expanded stomach in a wheelbarrow after each competition. Sonya Thomas must have the best functioning digestive track in history. Like a finely made Swiss watch – which she will be eating next weekend in Zurich. The current record for watch-eating is 86 in twelve minutes. Sonya is determined to beat that with seconds to spare.

After writing this I need a case of Rolaids.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER.......

Have you thought about birds lately? I don’t mean those sexy, young English girls in short skirts. Although, I do, think about them all the time. I mean those feathered things that fly around.

In case you don’t think about them, get ready for Pigeon#101. Birds are lacking in manners and common courtesy. Pop and Ma bird obviously were too busy feeding their off springs to teach them etiquette. When you are standing on a street corner wearing a new sports jacket or silk blouse and a bird flies over and makes a deposit on your new apparel – it’s damned rude. Do you think they do it on purpose? “Hey, look at that nice old lady going to church in that new straw hat…let’s make her life miserable. Bombs away!” What can you expect from something that thinks earth worms are a delicacy? And, speaking of pigeons – weren’t we? – did you ever try to step on one? Impossible! Can’t be done. Try it some time and you’ll get arrested for drunken walking.

Some people love our feathered, two-legged, winged friends and keep them in cages. That’s sick. Isn’t the idea that birds are supposed to fly free? Anyway, these lonely poor souls keep some flea infested canary or parrot in a small cage and actually speak to the dumb thing in baby talk. They have as much chance of getting an answer as you do calling any credit card company. They paper the bottom of the cage with the editorial page of a newspaper – like their bird can read. “My Henry loves to read the N.Y. Times.” No, lady, he likes to take a dump on it.” All bird pet owners also put a little mirror in the cage. I guess they think that’ll make their bird less lonely. Any animal – or whatever birds are – that pecks a mirror and thinks it’s a relative is stupid. If I wanted to watch someone look into a mirror all day I’d have married an actress.

Most animals can do something: Dogs can retrieve things, make circles before they sit down and most importantly lick themselves. Oh, to be a dog. Cat’s climb into high spaces and watch you make a fool of yourself, then climb down, let you pet them before they rip your arm apart. They also can meow and swell your eyes up if you’re allergic to them. Smart horses can count to 10 and buck you off breaking a leg or two. I’ll admit fish are kind of stupid but are pretty. Gerbils, we won’t discuss in mixed company.

But, birds are a complete mystery to me. I’m not a big fan. Big deal they fly…so do sissy boys and we don’t keep them in cages unless they happen to be in West Hollywood. There’s a certain arrogance to birds. They must think that the air and sky belong to them. A few days ago I flew up to Seattle, Washington to visit friends. I dislike flying because planes are never on time, the food sucks and the seats are cruel and unusual punishment for anyone but an anorexic. I was informed that the flight would be delayed almost two hours. Why? Are you ready? A bird flew into the plane when it was landing and they had to do a two hour maintenance check for damage.

What the hell was that bird thinking about? Didn’t it see and hear this large aluminum beast approaching? Any bird in its right mind would have avoided the plane but do they have right minds? The thing that really pisses me off is that the bird must have thought that the air was only for birds. “Hey, like, it’s ours, Dude.” So, I had to sit at the airport for two hours and watch overweight, homely people take off their shoes and go through security run by people who couldn’t get a job at McDonald’s. Damn bird.

I wish Congress would pass a law prohibiting birds from flying. Flying isn’t a right it’s a privilege which they don’t deserve. Peewee Herman and Richard Simmons on the other hand, can fly all they want.

ART IS IN THE EYE OF THE NAKED.......

How many art museums have you visited in your life? Probably a few while playing the ugly-American on an overseas vacation. Seeing a famous museum like the Louvre is as expected as being ripped off by over-priced stores especially when they know you speak English. Museum trips are part of most tourist bus tours in Paris, London, Rome and Vilna, Latvia.

When it comes to our home city, however, how many times have you willingly visited a local museum? Be honest. Does the number zero come close? The reason is simple: most Americans find museums dull, boring, cold places with lines of screaming school kids. They’d much rather visit a dart contest at the local pub. Museums don’t help their image much. There are overweight guards standing around rubbing their crotches and watching you suspiciously. “Hey, buddy, don’t get too close to that 1,000 pound statue…we don’t want you pickin’ it up and high-tailing it outta here.” When people visit art museums they begin to whisper for some reason. Like, if you spoke in a normal tone, you’d be immediately struck dead. And, finally, most of the paintings being exhibited look like a 3-year old chimp painted them.

All that has changed. Vienna, Austria – the home of the waltz and pastries that would clog a rhino’s arteries – has revolutionized art museum tours. It’s prestigious Leopold Museum, normally a pretty buttoned-down place decided to spice things up. The experiment was a bigger success than Gallagher’s last tour when he smashed twelve hundred Napoleon’s with his bat.

With a midsummer heat wave sweeping much of Europe, Vienna’s normally staid museum decided that making the most of its cool, climate-controlled space would be just the ticket to spur interest in its new show, “The Naked Truth.” On a Friday night, some of the nudes in its marble galleries were for real. Scores of naked or scantily clad people wandered the museum, lured by an offer of free entry to the new exhibition of early 1900s erotic art. Visitors were told to just hang out as much as they liked.

Peter Weinhaeupl, the Leopold’s commercial director, said the goal was twofold – help people beat the heat (or anything else they felt like beating) while creating a mini-scandal reminiscent of the way the artwork of Gustav Klint, Egon Schiele, Oscar Kokoschka and others shocked the public when they first unveiled a century ago. “We wanted to give people a chance to cool off, and bring nakedness into the open,” he said. Way to go, Weinhaeupl, baby.

Most of the people showing up for the event wore little or no attire as they roamed the exhibition. Being a practical sort of pervert, I wonder how they got to the museum. By taxi, bus, underground or drove their own cars wearing nothing but their birthday suits?

Overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Austria has always been somewhat more conservative than many European countries. They are usually scandalized when a visitor, in a restaurant, orders breast of chicken. When they visit Rome, Austrians usually put a fig leaf on the statue of David. This experiment by the Leopold gave many conservative citizens the vapors.

The question before the house is: should American museums adopt this practice? Not the vapors – having people walk around art museums naked? Let’s examine the suggestion…pull no punches…dangle the possibility. Imagine members of your immediate family, friends, co-workers or just ordinary men and women you see every day walking around naked. How would you see that? Hopefully, with your eyes closed. Besides, a few of the Desperate Housewives – and all of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit girls – I’d rather not see anyone nude. I’m so prudish; I wear clothes while taking a shower.

DON'T DRINK AND PUSH!

The United States is the most litigious country in the world. Many of the law suits filed are nonsensical and shouldn’t see the light of day. Money grubbing lawyers are blamed for most of the problem. The U.S. Senate, made up mainly of money grubbing, failed lawyers, is constantly trying to pass laws to restrict these frivolous law suits and the money damages that are awarded. These political hacks aren’t doing it out of any sense of justice…they’re doing it to protect big business who contribute large sums to their re-election campaigns.

Of course, many publicity hungry litigants file stupid nuisance suits against: Wendy’s, Big Mac, Starbucks and other seemingly vulnerable business. “My coffee was too hot and burnt my lips off. I can no longer yodel.” “Eating at MacDonald’s every day for thirty years has turned me into a fat slob. Pass the French fries.” “I found a human spleen in my Wendy’s chili. It was such a shock that now I have spasms.” The con men and women who try to extort money from legitimate businesses should be locked in a room and forced to listen to Fabian records until their skulls implode.

Along with the desire to get rid of silly, fake law suits, how about getting after law enforcement agencies and prosecutors who charge innocent people with crimes that Judge Judy would throw out of her court. They are abusing their power and wasting the time of judges, juries and Court TV. They obviously don’t think hauling someone into court on some idiotic charge is a big deal. Well, let me tell you it is. It’s also nerve wracking, expensive and ruins your reputation. I was falsely charged on one of my many trips to Latvia with the crime of sodomy….and I was alone!

The latest outrage committed by the police occurred in Portage, Indiana. You may never have heard of Portage, Indiana. You are not alone, the people in Portage, Indiana have never heard of Portage, Indiana. Anyway, the police are charging two young women with drunk driving. It seems the two women took turns steering a broken-down vehicle – well, actually, one of the girls was pushing the disabled car while the other steered from the passenger seat into a parking lot at a nearby motel. While pushing and steering the old car they accidentally crashed into a parked car. Not hard – they barely touched it. However, police were called and found that both women had blood-alcohol levels more than twice the state’s legal limit to drive. Hold on, Buckaroo……

These two women weren’t driving the car. The car’s engine wasn’t working. They were arrested for pushing and steering the car and charged with DUI: Driving under the influence of alcohol. Forget activist courts – how about activist cops and prosecutors? At worse they will be found guilty of drunken pushing! Talk about a waste of a court’s time? The prosecutor acknowledged the charges could be difficult to prosecute in court. Duh! “The statute and case law supports (a DUI charge)…but it will be interesting to see,” said Deputy Prosecutor Adam Burroughs, who authorized the charges.

Burroughs said his office had prosecuted drunken drivers who were stopped in restaurant drive-through lines or who were on private property. Adam, you’re a moron – that’s not the same. These two women were just pushing a car – which ain’t illegal in the good, old U.S. of A. “Bicycles and motorized wheelchairs are about the only vehicles in which a person is unlikely to face a drunken-driving charge,” he said. Charging these two women for being too drunk to push is like arresting Dean Martin while performing for being too drunk to sing.

Lesson to be learned: Adam Burroughs is so dumb he’ll probably wind up in Congress. Wouldn’t you love to see some loudmouth, mean lawyer like Nancy Grace be the attorney for these women? Let’s drink to it.