BE SURE YOUR HEM IS STRAIGHT.

If you are adamantly set on a career in crime I have a few tips that you might find useful. I beg you, however, not to be obstinate and intractable about this new occupation. There are many downsides to being a wicked, nefarious felon. Spending most of your life in the slammer making license plates for a living is just one fate that faces you. You also better like eating soggy Wonder Bread.

The Geezer understands a desire for many people to shake things up. To try newer and different things by way of occupation or avocation. Often too many of us stay in jobs that bring no satisfaction or cheer and brings those men and women to the depths of depression and unhappiness. Everybody wants to soar with the wind and experience joy and jubilation in their lives. Personally if I didn’t throw off the shackles that were keeping me down I would still be blocking hats for a living.

However, becoming a criminal is a desperate step and should be taken as a last resort. I know, we all read about, watch on Television and in movies about the fascinating life of criminals. I say “Posh” to that canard. A criminal’s life is a hard one – looking behind you always – kind of like walking on a street in NYC at night – never knowing when that knock on the door will come. It could be Pizza Man/He Delivers or bounty hunter, Dog ready to slap handcuffs on you while his fat, girlfriend abuses you verbally.

If you are bound and determined I feel obligated to help you. If you decide to rob banks, for a living, the first thing you should know is not to try robbing one when it’s closed. National holidays are a no-no. If you enter a bank to ‘case it’ and check out where the security cameras are – under no condition must you wave and stick your tongue out to the camera. If you casually walk in be sure not to trip over the bank guard sleeping on the floor. It’s very important to make sure the note you slip the teller is readable and understandable. If you have lousy penmanship make sure that the note says, “I have a gun put all the money in this bag,” and not, “I have gum put all the money in this Buick.” The idea, dear friends, is not to call attention to yourself or cause a ruckus among the bank employees. You don’t want them questioning each other about “what this word means.” Most bank robbers like to slip in, grab the swag and exit without causing a fuss.

A new would be robber in Monterey, California didn’t follow the Geezer’s tips and got into big trouble. We all understand that disguises are important when sticking up a bank or store. But, the disguise should be subtle and cool and not call too much attention to you. Never, ever, wear a Porky Pig mask when you enter the front door – someone might notice and think it strange that Porky is hanging around. This Monterey robbery suspect might as well as had a brass band follow him in. This unshaven man wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf –high boots and a black wig tried robbing a USA Gas station. Firstly, he hadn’t shaved his legs so the fishnet stockings looked lousy on him.

After warning everyone that he meant business he stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse and exited. Okay, at least he was dressed to the nines even if it was in drag. About 35 minutes after the robbery, police officers spotted a black Saab with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver’s side door, dragging on the ground. After much discussion they decided to investigate. Perhaps the black fishnet pantyhose gave them a clue. When they pulled our neophyte crook over and noticed it was either a very ugly woman or one of the Village People. A plastic replica handgun was found inside his purse.

When he was booked the embarrassed neophyte John Dillinger blamed his choice of a black wardrobe for his undoing. He said he should have gone with his first judgment and worn an egg-shell yellow ensemble to match his eyes. Let this be a warning that criminal life isn’t a walk in the park especially if you’re wearing high heels.

DON'T STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ME.

One of the keys to any relationship is being able to share mutual interests. To have things in common. I know not from where I speak because the Geezer is a pretty shallow guy. Buying a woman a second cup of coffee was considered a commitment by me.

The truth is no matter the age of a couple if they enjoy spending ‘quality’ time with each other that relationship has a good chance of working. An important attribute in helping maintain a balance between man and woman is being able to entertain, enliven and delight one another by participating in the same recreations and inquisitiveness. It doesn’t matter if it’s playing golf or tennis together; sharing the love of cooking; doing crossword puzzles; attending the opera or concerts; traveling, etc., the simple act of doing it together is the key to success.

When a husband and wife are not on the same wave-length it becomes pretty obvious. All of us have seen couples who have been married many years sharing a table and breaking bread in some cheap restaurant during their travels and never saying a word, let alone a civil one, to the other person. He usually is wearing a stupid baseball cap and looking right past his wife as he gums his gruel down. She looks like she’d rather be raped by a gang of Turkish sailors than be at the table. It’s a sad sight and one not to be duplicated by any intelligent couple.

That’s why when I hear about a couple who really enjoy the same passions I nod my head in appreciation and envy and want to pass it on to you. A Mexican couple falls into that category. Their shared passion is “hate!” They are recovering separately after a martial spat that got slightly out of control. No, they weren’t indulging in the usual whinny, name-calling, angry shouting match that all of us are familiar with. What a bore. These two resorted to creative behavior to show their displeasure with one another. They began firing guns, throwing knives and hurling homemade bombs at each other. Hell, if you’re going to have an argument then pull out all stops. Don’t pussy around.

In a scene straight out of last year’s movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” these happy Chicanos fought until their house blew up in a homemade gasoline bomb explosion. When the police arrived the wife was taken to the hospital with third-degree burns and the husband was arrested. After the dust had literally settled, along with some roof tiles, they both thought over the reasons for their domestic dispute and calmer heads prevailed. He told reporters that he was glad his wife had suffered burns while she said she was only sorry she had not “hacked off his manhood” during the fight.

There’s a lesson to be learned from this incident. It doesn’t pay to stifle your anger or frustration during a brawl. That will only cause headaches and a possible ulcer. It’s far better to let it all hang out – that is unless you have had your ‘manhood hacked off.”

SIT DOWN YOU'RE ROCKING THE BOAT.

I’m going to tell you a story. Once upon a time….Oooops! Wrong story. I’ll try again. Let me set the scene. But first you are going to have to suspend credulity to believe this story. I am not making this up it actually happened. It only proves the old saying that a schmuck is born every minute. Ready? Take a deep breath.

This fairy tale took place in the lovely hamlet of Atascadero, California. It didn’t involve 3 little bears or a blonde named Goldilocks. It involved a retired salesman with the brain of a one celled animal. Without any doubt this fellow qualifies as a certified moron. He’s the kind of guy who would use frequent flier miles to go to Afghanistan.

He called the police and charged that a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. Do you detect something strange in his story? Most strippers work in some sleazy bar or topless joint not someone’s home, eh? He alleged that he was on his way – ready? – To Bible class when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram. Praise the Lord! If I thought a stripper would offer to get naked for me I’d go the Bible class, too. Perhaps this stripper was into numerology and his house number coincided with her moon being in Jupiter’s shadow. Nah! I told you this story was going to be hard to believe but no one could make this stuff up.

When this Bible class dunce agreed to let her perform – something all charitable Christian men in the same situation would do – her knife wielding boyfriend allegedly forced his way inside and told this pious, and righteous innocent that he owed the stripper, who owns a business called Bikini Assassins, money for earlier “services”. Do you think the bikini assassin had visited him to maybe polish his bible? Our “so-called” victim admitted to police that he owed Ms. Murphy money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex. Maybe the yokel was reading passages from The Book of Revelations as foreplay. Hey, that would get any sexpot excited.

The knife wielding boyfriend tied our ‘hero’ up while Maureen went upstairs to find valuables and returned instead with his thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction. The pair then tried to take his car but it was out of gas and they had to hoof it. Can you imagine the chutzpah he had to report this obviously embarrassing episode to the police? Why didn’t he keep his mouth shut and take his medicine? Oh, she had taken it, right. I’m sure this upstanding fellow’s churchgoers must have been thrilled to find out that he frequented hookers and liked to wear thong undies while in church. Do you think the sermon that Sunday was on the benefits of erectile dysfunction medication as read in the Old Testament?

The two criminals were locked up and charged with theft…and dancing without a license. Instead of keeping his mouth shut about trying to stiff a working girl out of her hard (something he wouldn’t know about) earned money he screamed like a mouse stepped on by an elephant and told the world that he was as phony as a pop-up bible.

I don’t even think a Church bingo game or cake sale could save this yutz from going straight to hell in his thong jockey shorts.

A LAW IS ONLY AS STUPID AS THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT.

Most of us obey laws and regulations. It’s often what keeps society functioning and civil. Occasionally government goes too far when insisting on conduct that is unreasonable and trivial. It’s indefensible to insist on citizens obeying laws like: being fined for saying “diphthong” in mixed company; making it punishable to play pinochle with a bunch of celery; and being put on America’s Most Wanted list for wearing a parachute to an audience with the Pope.

Seemingly intelligent committees and agencies pass rules that cannot be justified or defended. The Chicago school system wins the gold medal for witless and dull-witted requirements of students in its system. To wit: Most high school students eagerly await the day they pass driver’s education class. It’s the first step to independence and freedom for many pimply faced teens that should be beaten with a bat. It’s an opportunity for them to join their parents in collecting DUIs. However, there is a 16-year old female student is indifferent to the opportunity of getting driver’s license.

She is blind, yet she and dozens of other visually impaired sophomores in Chicago schools are required to pass a written rules-of-the-road exam in order to graduate – a rule they say takes time away from subjects they might actually use. “In other classes, you don’t really feel different because you can do the work other people do,” she said. “But in driver’s Ed, it does give us the feeling we’re different. In a way, it brought me down, because it reminds me of something I can’t do. I was so upset I threw away all my Stevie Wonder CDs.”

Hundreds of school districts in Illinois require students to pass driver’s Ed, although the state only requires that districts offer the courses. A state education official says districts that require it should exempt disabled student. “It defies logic to require blind students to take the course.” Perhaps Chicago education officials believe that this girl and other visually impaired students are faking it. They’re really not blind – they just like using a white cane and having a seeing-eyed dog lead them around.

A Chicago Public Schools official said the district would be open to waiving the requirement but don’t want to start a precedent. If they start down that slippery slope then deaf students won’t be required to take musical harmony classes in order to get their diplomas or a disabled boy with one leg might try to opt out of gym class. “I would have won the 100-yard dash in the last Olympics if it wasn’t for my wooden leg.”

The Chicago school official insists that disabled students can, by law, request a change in their child’s individual education plan, which could include a driver’s Ed exemption. The truth is an eagle or owl couldn’t find that in the fine print. Off the record some insiders say that many in the government don’t want to change the regulation because the rules have already been printed and it would be a waste of taxpayer’s money to have to redo them. And that if the visually impaired students really wanted to take the test they could squint a lot.

Could it be as simple as the refusal of people to admit that they were wrong and made a mistake that keeps these feeble-minded and foolish laws and regulations on the books? Whoops! If that is true than that would explain the junk coming out of Washington.

IS HE FOOLING?

Do you get angry at the drop of an insult? Is your anger the kind that you’re powerless to check? When upset do you shake like a dog with a toy in its mouth? All of us have met those kinds of people. They turn red in the face, their teeth grind together, veins begin popping out of their foreheads and their fists clinch ready to begin slugging. In a word they are out of control.

There are as many reasons to get furious as there are people. Some men and women get violent at the drop of a hat especially if that hat lands in a puddle of dirty water. Others lose restraint at the simplest thing, like: buying a diamond from a gypsy and finding out it isn’t real. Getting a deal on a hot, gold Rolex watch only to find out the watch you bought is a Roldex and has only one hand. Whatever the cause angry, frustrated and A-personality types howl like jackals in heat when perceiving a slight.

The worst case of uncontrollable anger I’ve heard about happened in London recently. A British man being held for four murders got so pissed off that he tried to bite himself to death while being detained at a high-security psychiatric facility. Do you know how angry someone has to be to try and bite themselves to death? Bonkers is a word that comes to mind. This looney-tune is standing trial on charges that he stabbed two men and two women to death, and tried to kill two other men over a three-day period. That’s really going for the gold.

Prosecutors told the jury that he wanted to kill at least 10 victims to achieve notoriety as a serial killer. Hell, he would have made the Guinness book. His lawyers claim he suffers from mental illness and heard voices that commanded him to kill, including that of Freddy Krueger, the fictional serial killer in the horror film franchise “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” He should be declared nuts by claiming to recognize Freddy’s voice. Do you know what Krueger sounded like?

This sicko first tried to bite himself while taking a bath in the Psychiatric hospital. Did anyone consider that maybe the hospital wouldn’t let him have his rubber duck? That would make any of us really angry. In a second incident he attempted to bite himself on the arm, targeting his arteries. I say posh to that. There could be a simple explanation: he could have been trying to bite his finger nails and slipped. Maybe the hospital wasn’t feeding him and he just got hungry.

He later tried to bite himself again. “I have never seen anyone bite himself with that ferocity,” said a member of the hospital staff. “It was a clear attempt to die.” Aha! This whole thing can be a ploy at attempting suicide. Instead of hanging himself with bed sheets or cutting his wrists this mutant brute figured that authorities would charge him with insanity and keep him in the hospital rather than throw him off the Tower of London.

Personally I think this whole thing is a charade. If the guy was really trying to bite himself to death he would have tried to bite himself on the neck. That does it every time.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR DUMB.

The world is getting soft. We are getting too soft. Most of us are starting to resemble the Pillsbury Dough-Boy. Things have gotten too damn easy for all of us. Where are the men and women who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps or pantyhose straps and accomplished things that no one thought they could?

You remember, the good old days when we had to put in an honest days work for the few shekels we were able to pry out of the pocket of our exploiters? Nothing was handed to us in those days. No, siree, we fought, clawed, raped and pillaged trying to get upwardly mobile. The Old Geezer remembers when he had to walk 12-miles just to get to the little, old red schoolhouse. Of course I never entered the bloody place – I just liked to walk there.

Everything is handed to us on a silver platter. With the advent of computers, I pods, cell phones and the like we’ve become spoiled and soft. Did I mention soft? No one wants to dirty their hands and do the heavy lifting. I would but my new truss hasn’t arrived yet. Today’s children are the worse for all this progress. They wouldn’t know about lifting that bale and toting that barge if it hit them between their head phones. I yearn to go back to the days of yesteryear when kids appreciated the little things in life. Even dwarfs appreciated that.

As an example of how far society has fallen in its quest for the easy way out – I have only to point to the students at the Singapore Polytechnic Institute. Now, I must confess to not having a green thumb. I envy people who have and tend to wonderful, plush and beautiful gardens. Being able to roll around in the grass and watch plants come to life when spring springs…is the stuff of songs. Unfortunately, I have a black thumb. My shoe trees die. As soon as I even look at a rose bush it feels my vibes and withers up and crashes like the stock market when George W. Bush assures us that our economy is doing ‘just great.’ I’m not happy about my inability to grow plants and flowers. It saddens me and has forced me to put down plastic astro-turf on my lawns. My house is filled with fake plants and I know I probably water them too much and they’re not long for this world.

Back to the students in Singapore. As a class project they decided not to go the tried and true way to deal with growing things – you know, talking to their plants, playing music so that the green stuff can bugaboo. What these rotten geniuses have created are plants that can communicate with people. They don’t speak Urdu or something weird like that – they - you ready - they, glow when they need water. You heard right, friends of River City, the plants glow when thirsty. The students have genetically modified plants using a green fluorescent marker gene from jellyfish, so that they ‘light up’ when they are stressed as a result of dehydration. Is it just me or is there something very freaky and scary about what they’ve done? Instead of wasting their time on stuff like watering dry leafy things they should waste their time on good, old, “reedin’/ritin’ & rithmatik.”

I don’t want plants lighting up when they’re parched. I don’t want plants or animals getting too smart because if they do they won’t need us to ruin their lives. If these kinds of experiments are allowed to continue, what’s next, envelopes that lick us? TV sets that will only play good shows no matter what we push with our remotes? What will the idiots that watch “Deal or No Deal” do for entertainment? This trend could make Howie Mandel grow back his hair.

I wish the Singapore students forgot all about this scientific crap and do what kids are supposed to do – gamble, use drugs, drink until they drop and diss their parents. It was good enough for us and should be good enough for them.

LONG LIVE THE KING/QUEEN...

The Geezer takes a back seat to no man or broad when it comes to being politically correct. I led the march giving women the right to vote. Now if we could only revoke the right to vote for men and women we might clear up the mess in politics.

I lit the first barn-fire enabling women to burn their bras. I was so pro-bra-burning that I burned all mine, also. I was an outspoken critic of Prohibition and drank myself into stupors just to prove the point. Yes, yours truly was at the fore-front of every social movement including the handing out of hula-hoops to all homeless people across the globe.

Occasionally something happens that stands political correctness on its ear. It is so incorrect and blatantly wrong that even the most liberal exponent holds their nose and proceeds to get involved in projectile vomiting as a livelihood. A day that will live in infamy occurred recently at tiny Hood College in Frederick, Maryland. The school is reviewing its homecoming rules after a lesbian was crowned “King.”

A part-time female 21-year-old senior beat out three men for the honor of being “King” and boasted that the crowning was a positive step for the private liberal arts college. I can hear conservatives and the religious right screaming that only at some commie/pinko liberal arts college could such a calamity and catastrophe occur. It was only the second annual homecoming for the school. Men started attending Hood in 1971. Before that women shared the school with a select group of Druids and musically inclined stock brokers.

The school didn’t become fully coeducational until 2003 when men were permitted to live on campus for the first time. The “King” refused to recluse herself from the home coming ceremony. “It is cool that Hood allows people to be themselves. If people didn’t want me to be King, they wouldn’t have nominated me and voted for me.” To show that she was a “manly-man” she flexed her 18-inch biceps complete with a tattoo of K.d.Lang trout fishing and lit up a Corona cigar. The 21-year-old is totally butch and doesn’t back down about her sexual proclivities. She is happily engaged to the entire cheerleading squad and ran on the platform of beating any sissy guy at arm-wrestling. She/he had no takers. She hopes to graduate with a degree in Blacksmith.

She received 64 of the 169 votes cast for King. More than two weeks after she was crowned, criticism and praise were still rippling through the 2,100-student campus in western Maryland. “She is not a man,” said the 22-year-old senior who was nominated for Queen. It is a gender issue, and she is a woman. I don’t want to go to the prom with her because her five o’clock shadow rubs me the wrong way. I also don’t like her after shave, “Musk of Oxen” and refuse to dance with her because she insists on dipping and that gives me the creeps.”

One of the sore-loser defeated males who competed for King said her selection made the event seem like a joke. “It discourages guys from wanting to take part in the future,” he said. He refused to give his name fearing that the newly crowned King would be the crap out of him.

The "King" tried to run for Prince last year, but was ruled out of order. She threatened a law suit and sent dead fish to the student government who decided to change the rule before they entered the witness protection service. The new “King” credits Hillary Clinton as her inspiration. She’s also trying to get Monica’s home phone number so they service one of her cigars.

WHAT I'D DO FOR LOVE.....

There are probably hundreds of good reasons that men and women get engaged or married but none come to mind. For those people who actually believe that marriage is an institution. The Geezer would like to point out that mental hospitals are also an institution.

Seriously, among the best reasons to have your nuptials held – and God knows I love to have mine held – are love, companionship and the fear of being lonely. Of course, until you’ve been married you don’t know what loneliness is. But, as the world changes and young people’s needs change…a new reason to prove love and romance has become a burgeoning industry around the world. Candy and flowers are passé. Going to a dance or romantic dinner has become boooooring to many young people. Even the old standby of exchanging team jackets or bowling balls doesn’t cut it anymore. Couples expect a lot more by way of commitment than they used to. As an Italian friend of mine used to say, “Yous don’t consider gettin’ serious with a woman of the female persuasion unless she can take a good punch.”

A new fad has cropped up in China, of all places, which men and women partake in to prove their feelings of love. It used to be that saying “I love you” on a holiday like Valentine’s Day required a box of candy, a bouquet of flowers or a bowl of fish heads – but now those romantic gestures are as old fashioned as Mao’s
“Little Red Book”. Even the pop-up version of the book doesn’t cut it anymore. The only true expression of love seems to be – matching noses.

China’s obsession with plastic surgery is finding fresh demand from couples who are going under the knife to get their noses and even their eyes done as a sign of their love for one another. “I suggested it as a way of celebrating our relationship and bringing us closer together with a special bond,” a young 24-year old was quoted as saying of the matching nose jobs for her and her boyfriend. She said her boyfriend “love the idea” and readily paid the 10,000 Yuan ($1,200) for the surgery. The low price didn’t include anesthesia which would have hiked the price up to 12 million Yuan. The young couple just bit down on a stale egg roll and weathered the storm. “We’re very happy with the results,” she added although admits that her boyfriend only has one nostril.

Business at Shanghai’s plastic surgery clinics has risen by up to 30% since the beginning of the month, fueled by Valentine’s Day and the recently concluded lunar New Year, when young people typically receive job bonuses, cash gifts from older relatives and money gotten in hold-ups of tourists. Some clinics advertise special discounts of up to 20 percent if the potential patients bring their own knives and saws. One even goes so far as offering free roses if you agree to an entire face lift, tummy tuck and circumcision. Rabbi Yitzak Chen not only performs the circumcision but sings a medley from Fiddler on the Roof.

Unknown in china just a few years ago, plastic surgery is now a 2 billion business and newly prosperous Chinese seek shapelier noses, fuller breasts and prettier elbows and little toes. Shanghai, China’s wealthiest and most image-conscious city is the center for the business which is celebrated in plastic surgery inspired beauty contests and television shows. The number one rated TV show is called, “Dancing with your Plastic Surgeon.”

CHEESE IT....

Indignant indignation is often a very useful feeling when upset and feeling screwed.

You will notice that the Old Geezer resorted to alliteration by using two words in a row starting with “indig” – one of the cheapest and contemptible forms of writing. There I go again – two words starting with “c” – stop me before I do it again. It’s like trying to eat only one raisin or krispy kreeme at a time. Can’t be done. I humbly acknowledge my shortcomings and I promise to deny, disclaim and disavow ever doing it again and recant, retract, renounce and revoke my capacity and capability to put you through this ever again.

Whew, I feel better already. What an infantile, infantine and ignorant lout I’ve become. Enough! Basta! Fartic! This all started after reading about a woman in Memphis, Tennessee who pleaded guilty after being soooooooo indignant at what she believed was a scam perpetrated on her by some lowlifes she had met. This poor woman has been indicted and pleaded guilty for attempted murder. Give a cook….

This Southern lass tried to hire a hit man to rob and kill four men for what she thought was cocaine but turned out to be cheese. She hatched the plot after visiting the home of the men, and mistook a wedge of ‘queso fresco’ – a white, crumbly cheese common in Mexican cuisine for a hunk of smack or crack. Think about it – I’ll bet once every few months, if you were honest, that you mistook some Cheddar cheese for a gold ingot. Or, a section of Camembert for a royal shoehorn.

The young man she hired turned out to be an undercover police officer. She claims that she thought that shinny metal thing he was wearing on his chest was a brooch he had gotten at an Elton John concert and the handcuffs he had attached to his belt was an S&M trinket he picked up from a gay boutique called, “Death and Licks.” No one ever claimed that this lady was very bright or sharp. The police were very suspicious that she might be trying to trap them in some sting and asked her numerous times “Do you really want to go through with this? The lead prosecutor said. “They gave her numerous chances to back out but she said she was serious. She said she needed money for modeling school.” In that she resembles Ernest Borgnine they should have closed the investigation down.

She pleaded guilty to four counts of attempted first-degree murder and was sentenced to 15 years in prison. She would be eligible for parole after serving 20 percent of her sentence, but it generally isn’t granted on first request for violent crimes. She planned to take part in the murders, and went with a police officer to buy a handgun. She told the court that she planned to make sure all possible witnesses were killed. “Then they would have been murdered, too,” she said about children or other bystanders in her statement to investigators. “If they would have been babies they would not have been able to talk or chew on their rattles and then they would not have been murdered.”

This cold blooded potential killer when asked if she had any defense only said she wished that she knew more about cheese before embarking on her crime spree.

WHAT'S RIGHT IS RIGHT.

Is there anything more reprehensible than money grubbing children? Kids who sit around waiting for their parents or parent to visit box city so that they can inherit fortunes that they don’t deserve? It’s almost as sneaky and opportunistic as watching a re-run of The Apprentice and predicting who is going to be fired by Donald “the Hair.”

One of the worst examples of this kind of larceny, during the 20th Century, is when 27-year old Helmut Vonce sued his father’s estate for the old man’s entire fortune. One problem was Helmut’s father hadn’t died yet and the estate was valued at $27.03 and a half ownership in a hat store. Helmut claimed the hat store was really worth in the tens of millions because it was the only one still selling “schmuck” hats – you know the kind with ear laps that fold down. His case was thrown out of court and Helmut was forced to join the Radio City Rockettes.

A new case is causing lots of interest in the will and last testament arena. Anna Nicole Smith, famous for the largest boobs in America and sexily undulating which once caused an 18-wheeler to break out in zits is suing for her fair share of her former hubby’s estate worth hundreds of millions of dollars. E. Pierce Marshall, the neer-do-well son of Howard Smith, Anna Nicole’s sex partner vowed that poor Anna will never see a dime of his father’s fortune. He claims that Ms. Smith is nothing but a gold digger and only married his father for the money. Anna objects saying that she instantly fell in love with the senior Mr. Smith when he introduced himself to her while she was stripping in a topless bar. “He was the sexiest and cutest 91-year old man she ever did see. And I didn’t mind a bit that he drooled.”

Anna also claims they had a lot in common – they both liked soup – and their whirlwind romance was the stuff of romance movies. Old Howard insisted on changing his will, leaving everything to his new bride with no prompting from her. They were just madly in love and he did it out of devotion and an occasional glimpse at her right nipple.

The 90-year old groom, who shook like a person sitting on the third rail, believed that the new Mrs. Smith should be taken care of in the manner that befits her bra size. The angry son, Pierce, who had an estranged relationship with his Pop and actually only communicated with him by using signal flags claims his Dada, was duped into changing his will. That Anna Nicole got what was rightfully his – a gazillion dollars. Ms. Smith’s attorney’s claim that the fifty-something-year old Marshall, who has never worked a day in his life, is just jealous, spiteful and a lousy canasta player who has smelly feet. The serious issues in this case will likely go down in the history of jurist prudence.

The case has made its way through many State Courts and the U.S. Supreme Court has taken it up. Does Anna Nichole deserve the 474 million dollars or does she not? To prove her case, Anna, on her best behavior, actually attended the Supreme Court hearing and didn’t once gyrate for the Justices. She did, however, get a new nose job in honor of the event. None of the Justices staring at her cleavage seemed to notice her new honker. However her attorneys were quite confident that the Justices might rule in her favor. Justice Thomas had only one comment when he saw her...."Yo, Momma!"

The son has sworn that even if the Court rules in her favor he will see to it that she never gets a cent of his rightful inheritance. “She will be an old lady and shriveled up with boobs that hang down lower than Tom Dooley.” When Anna Nicole heard of his outburst she just stuck her tongue out and licked the paint off her limo.

I can’t wait to hear the outcome.