MAKE A DEPOSIT

Have you thought about banks lately? We all use them unless you’re the type that hides your money under the mattress or in a tomato can that you’ve buried in the garden. I started depositing in a piggy bank when I was just a young lad. This caused lots of problems in my house since we were Kosher.

Most banks aren’t the same anymore. It used to be when you opened an account the bank gave you gifts. Tea kettles, electric blankets and autographed naked pictures of the bank president. Now they grill you like you are a member of al Qaeda before they reluctantly let you put your savings in their institution.

My new favorite bank came to being when women decided they wanted children but not their man. These banks are called sperm banks. You can make a deposit but instead of giving you a hot plate they give you a glass jar to put your deposit in. The recipient of your deposit can pick out the kind of baby she would like to have. ( Elvis impersonator, stand up comic, White House Aid or weather man)

Sperm banks have become so sophisticated that mothers can select the sex of the baby, the color of its hair and eyes and, if a boy, the size of his shmeckle. Some men do it because it’s a wonderful way to achieve immortality. Others do it because it’s an excuse for whack off and not be told that your hand will fall off.

I got interested in this process and called a sperm bank. I asked where I could leave a deposit. They said, “We’re always open to new accounts.” When I queried about getting a toaster for my efforts they hung up. I called another sperm bank and they offered to send me a specimen jar and put me in their computer. They also asked how many women I’d allow to receive my donation. If, for example, I would like to make a lot of women happy I’d need to make more than one deposit. My ‘specimen’ would be frozen and good for six months. I immediately bought a subscription to Playboy. I’d need all the help I could get.

I never wanted to have children because it costs a bloody fortune to pay for braces on their teeth. But this would be entirely different – I’d never have to see them eat mashed potatoes with their hands.

Sadly, my account must have been overdrawn. I tried hard but nothing happened. Maybe depositing in a glass jar was too intimidating. I even tried to think about some famous woman star – to help me along. Just my luck, the only one I could think of was Rosie O’Donnell. So much for mortality.

FAIR JUSTICE.

Our justice system is screwed up. It’s in a bigger mess than Phil Spector’s hair. For years people have complained that the courts have been too lenient when sentencing criminals. Our judges have been coddling defendants and that’s the reason that the crime rate has risen every year.

When it comes to dishonest or stupid judges I have done a study and most of them are getting a bad rap. True, there was the jurist in Maine who was accused of self abuse while sitting on the bench. No one would have known anything but every hour he would scream out, “Oh, baby, do it.” Now, you know what some of them do while sitting on the bench. Another elderly and senile judge who should have retired years ago admits to playing bridge with a mannequin during trials.

It’s refreshing to hear about a justice who not only is bright and fair but hands out sentences to wrong doers in a creative manner. This particular judge works in Painesville, Ohio and recently had a defendant charged with animal cruelty. It seems this imbecile was charged with shooting his Great Dane in the head. It’s been rumored that he was wrestling the dog for a chew stick, lost and got pissed. He was arrested after neighbors reported hearing a dog’s cries and the animal saying, “You got me,” Police found the injured animal and took it to an emergency veterinary clinic but while the dog was filling out papers and trying to prove it had insurance…it past away.

Judge Michael Cicconetti is know for his creative sentences for low-level crimes – before you dog lovers started screaming that shooting a dog in the head is hardly a low-level crime – read on. The defendant pleaded no contest to the animal cruelty charge and was sentenced to 180 days in jail for shooting his dog Bill. No one believed the guilty man’s defense that, “he was too drunk to drive.” Judge Cicconetti offered to cut the sentence to 10 days in jail if Bill’s killer wears a dog costume for a month. Not only does he have to wear a Safety Pup’s outfit but must only relieve himself at fire hydrants. He has to only eat kibble and walk in circles before he sits down. This hit man also has to pay the Humane Society’s vet bills and visit schools and preach about the evils of violence and outsourcing to the students.

I love the sentence and only wish the judge had also insisted that the defendant get wormed. In the past, Judge C. sentenced a couple who vandalized a baby Jesus statue to lead a donkey through the city streets and be nailed to a cross. A littering defendant was forced to live in a trash can for a week. Judge Cicconetti should be appointed to the Supreme Court.

I’ll bet that, speaking of dogs, Nancy Grace couldn’t bitch about this judge. Why doesn’t someone shoot her in the head? It’d be a mercy killing.

HOME FOR SALE.

The most ambitious and aggressive people all of us have met are real estate agents. Every person you seem to meet claims to be selling real estate. Most of them will not take ‘no for an answer.’ They are totally unrelenting when it comes to trying to sell you a home. The only other human I’ve ever met with such balls is the bartender I encountered in Fresno who always asked Hells Angels if they wanted a Shirley Temple?

It’s probably understandable that real estate people will do anything to close a deal. I have been offered sexual favors if I’d sign a contract. I don’t him no. In another case I might have been interested but she looked like something you’d find in a fish aquarium. I guess with the real estate boom it was a good business to get into. However, with the market as soft as a man needing Viagra no holds are barred.

A case in point: A Texas real estate agent looking to add more bang to her business is offering clients a free Glock pistol if they buy a home. Julie Upton, a Houston-area agent, spurned traditional buyer incentives like free gasoline cards, home improvements, DVDs of Paris Hilton going down on herself or this woman’s youngest child. Chutzpah must be her middle name.

She placed an advertisement offering a pistol with the purchase of any home worth at least $150,000. If you buy a home for less than $150,000 she gives you a ticket to the lottery in Biafra. So far she has given away two Glocks to people who bought homes from her. The guns cost about $500.00. So far the advertisement has not generated protests from the anti-gun lobby. I didn’t know there was an anti-gun lobby in Texas. In Texas, no license is required to own a rifle, shotgun, handgun or rocket launcher.

I have some advice for this ingenious, hustling woman – why not restrict her clientele to members of street gangs or motorcycle killers? They always need more fire power. I may take a page out of Upton’s book and become a real estate agent here in the Palm Springs area. Instead of guns I can offer walkers, bifocals and free dentures. Whatdya think?

THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

Never having worked a day in my life at a legitimate job I can only be impressed at those workers who toil at dangerous jobs. They are brave and courageous men and women. Why don’t they choose cushy, easy, overpaid and unimportant work, like: politician, lawyer, economist, weatherman and religious leader? Instead they elect to become soldiers, policeman, fireman, medics and the most dangerous of all…salesman in lady’s shoe stores.

Whenever there is a natural disaster volunteer’s step up to the plate and risk life and limb to help others. They could, if they chose, sit back in their lounge chair, open a can of brewski and watch the action on TV…like the rest of us cowards. Just think of what catastrophe might have happened in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina if it wasn’t for the quick work of people like, “Brownie” and the other heroes from the Emergency Preparedness office?

The Geezer was just made aware of a recent brave soul who became the toast of Columbia, South Carolina’s famous Anderson Christmas parade. One doesn’t think of true heroes during the Christmas season unless it’s the person opening the door at a department store during an underwear sale. However, 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers joins the list of candidates for Time’s Man of the Year.

This fearless fellow was hired to drive a float during the parade. Whi is driving a float dangerous? It is if you don't know how to drive and are drunk as a skunk. In that the weather was a tad nippy he rightly decided to imbibe enough alcohol to sponge bathe Rosie O’Donnell. How does that make him a hero? Well, the Steppin’ Out Dance Studio float was filled with children and adults all tapping their freezing hearts out for the entertainment of the sidewalk crowds. Mr. Rodgers trying to save his passengers from the cold put his foot to the metal and began to pass the other floats in the parade as he did wheelies down Main Street. When one of the onlookers called 911 being alerted by the screaming crowd on the float hanging on for their dear lives…police began chasing the runaway float thru red lights for three miles. Once pulled over Rodgers tried to attack an officer with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

He has been charged with DUI, kidnapping and assault on a police officer. Rodgers has prior traffic offenses but is well known as a lover of soup. I nominate this gentleman as a hero in trying to liven up the usually boring Anderson Christmas parade. Next year he is hinting at coming as a Campbell’s chicken noodle soup can.

READY, AIM....DUCK!

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence knows I am an equal opportunity Geezer. I try to give every nogoodnick a shot at my rants. If you act like a yutz or do something really stupid you will probably find yourself in my cross-hairs. However, in all fairness I have to cop to finding southerners, rednecks and bubbas easy targets. They give a new meaning to dull-witted!

I can make that claim without any fear of contradiction. No, I’m not talking about the ex…although feeble-minded comes to mind when I think about her good qualities. I once saw her having a heated argument with a shovel and the shovel prevailed. “Nough said? To prove my thesis that southerners are lower forms of life I point you to a ‘brilliant’ lawmaker in Texas. For those nitpickers who claim that Texas isn’t really as Southern state – how to you explain them electing George W. Bush governor twice? Only folks in the South would make such a colossal booboo.

What did this Texas law maker do that would warrant the Old Geezer’s fury? The imbecile is actually trying to pass a law that would allow blind people to hunt game that sighted folks can currently pursue. Deep breath, friends. “This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people,” he said. His bill may find little resistance in Texas, where politicians of all stripe endorse hunting, which is wildly popular in the state. The only fun thing that comes even close to that is eating road kill.

Let’s recap: a supposed intelligent politico thinks it’s perfectly all right for blind people to shoot guns. This idiotic idea is almost as bad as Louisiana’s law that allows citizens to carry guns into banks. If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. I don’t even think that Charlton Heston and his rug would approve of this. Hell, some blind hunter might do something as ridiculous as turning and shooting a fellow hunter in the face. See: Dick Cheney! If the bill becomes law imagine what might happen if a sightless gunslinger hears a backfire and mistakes it for a moose call. “Durnit there goes another Dodge Ram.” I hate to even think about what disaster might happen if someone close to the handicapped forgot his beano and had an episode of passing gas.

Let’s hear it for State Representative Edmund “Ed” Kuempel and his attempt to get in the Guinness Book for being the dumbest man alive.

OPEN YOUR BIBLES, DAMN IT!

One of the reasons I decided not to run for Pope is because I'm allergic to incense, have bad knees and look lousy in red. The truth is I don’t think religion gets a bad enough rap. There’s an old joke that religion has killed more people than Jewish cooking. True is true.

As a youth I lived directly across the street from a Catholic church. It was a church founded by the great accordion player, Dick Contino – the church’s name was “Our Lady of Spain.” Okay, okay, I apologize. Seriously, the Geezer did live across from a neighborhood Catholic Church and it influenced me greatly. I even considered becoming a Catholic and studying for the priesthood but I hated Bingo and buggering little boys.

There are, of course, many religions. Some, with many thousands of members and a few smaller Southern congregations consisting of 6 members and 15-snakes. In Vegas, one denomination has a drive-in Church…you confess your sins into the face of a plastic preacher.

The latest headline grabbing pastor worked in Mount Airy, North Carolina. Mount Airy is the place that old, Charlie Weaver and his weird family came from. You remember those funny letters from ‘momma.’ The Weaver clan was normal compared to a local pastor who was just arrested. Member’s of Preacher Jerry Wayne “Dusty” Whitaker’s church say they had no knowledge that he was a convicted felon. They might have gotten a hint that he was a felon when he showed up for his first sermon in handcuffs and leg irons.

It seems the good preacher was accused of brandishing a gun as part of a sermon. I suspect he tried to drive his point home that he expected the congregation to fill up the collection plate. “Empty your damn pockets or you’ll be visiting your maker.” “Dusty” was convicted in Virginia on a conspiracy to distribute cocaine and possession of a firearm during drug trafficking. A great background for a religious leader.

“Dusty’s” excuse was that he wasn’t trying to scare anybody out of their money but that he used parables in his sermons. “I once pretended to be a blind man with a can, glasses and can of coins,” he said. “Why didn’t they arrest me for impersonating a blindy?” It might have been because he didn’t do his ‘Rich Little’ on the pulpit but at the Braille Institute where he was thrown out for sneaking into the ladies’ room.

Ole, “Dusty” will probably move on when he’s out of the slammer. There are plenty of red-neck congregations where he would fit in perfectly. Praise the Lord.

SAFE SEX

This is the first X-Rated rant I’ve ever done. If there are kids in the room get them the hell out. Tell ‘em to play with their play station…or…themselves!

Safe sex is a continuing problem in the world. Without it the population explosion will cause the earth to be as inhabitable as your in-laws house. During my short lived and miserable marriage we didn’t have any problem with safe sex…my mean, old wife made it a rule never to have sex when we were both in the same state. Contraception is the key to over-population and ‘safe sex’. The Catholic Church prohibits the use of contraception because most child molesting priests find it unwieldy. Who can blame them the poor degenerates have a tough enough time running Bingo games.

I think it’s safe to say that the majority of males hate to use condoms. It’s pretty embarrassing in the heat of passion to try and rip the foil packet with your teeth and roll the damn thing on your shmeckle. Talk about sexy, eh? By the time you finally do – the woman has already put on the Leno show and is snoring. Wearing a condom is akin…now that’s a pretty fancy word for the Geezer to use – but adding a little pizzazz to these rants couldn’t hurt….wearing a condom is as much fun as getting a tattoo with a jack hammer.

Well, there is help just over the hill. German sex educators plan to launch – gird your loins and listen – have developed a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes. Talking about ‘sizes’ embarrasses the hell out of me. I have an inny! The idea is to promote better and safer sex lives. I, always find that a woman is essential for a better sex life.

“We’re trying to develop the perfect condom for men that have suited to every size of penis,” one of the scientists’s said. Wonder if they have it in puny. The manufacturer “spraykondom” is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom. “It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides,” he continued. “We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ – once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash. Oh, great, does it also clean hub caps?

“The plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds. It would fit better and not slip,” said he. “We want to make sure the latex is evenly spread when sprayed, as well as optimize the vulcanization process.” Vulcanize your penis? What if you have a blow out? They also plan to make it available in different strengths and colors. Oy vey!

I’m just going to stick with my old reliable…crazy glue.