DO YOU TAKE SALT WITH YOUR CELL PHONE?

No one ever wins an argument. If you think you’ve won think again. The so-called ‘loser’ will always harbor a grudge at being bested. And, should the ‘winner’ rub it in or even worse have a ‘told you so’ attitude – that relationship will have the life expectancy of a sitcom starring Michael Richards.

Many psychologists recommend that instead of arguing people talk the dispute over, see the other person’s point of view, reach a compromise – and then beat the shit out of your opponent.

A couple in Blue Springs, Missouri were reported to have had a lovers’ spat over a cell phone of all things. The Geezer hates cell phones worse than he hates lima beans. They’re a nuisance and if a person uses one in public they should be flogged with barbed wire for annoying others in the vicinity. Cell phone users don’t realize that no one gives a crap about their conversations but they insist on talking at the top of their voices. Cell phone use in public is boring and rude. So why did this couple get into an argument that turned serious and ugly?

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat. Apparently here’s what happened – the boyfriend told the cops that he wanted the phone and she wouldn’t give it to him, so for spite she attempted to swallow it. “She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn’t get it.” See, damn cell phones make people crazy.

The ambulance took the woman to St. Mary’s Medical Center in Blue Springs where she was treated. Both police and hospital personnel confessed that this was a first for them. “This is the first I’ve heard of this happening. I don’t know what kind of phone it was. I don’t know if it was on ring or vibrate, either,” said the police spokesman.

Now, why you ask, would anyone swallow a cell phone? Was the guy threatening to call another girlfriend and she got jealous? Did he interrupt her in the middle of a personal call and she didn’t want him to know who she was speaking to? Was the cell phone made out of marzipan and she loves marzipan? Sounds pretty suspicious, doesn’t it?

The hospital was finally able to remove the phone from the woman’s throat. While they were down there they took out her appendix at no extra cost. Before you start trying to book this woman into the Blue Springs’ Home for the Silly – the truth finally came out. She told police that she didn’t swallow the phone just for laughs – turns out her boyfriend stuffed it down her throat during their argument and has been charged with assault…and not paying the phone bill.

Got to go – my cell phone is ringing.

STRANGE RELATIVES.

Everyone has a relative or two who has done some strange things. A distant Aunt of mine had a nervous breakdown when her parrot got married. An uncle, on my mother’s side, dreamt each night that some men broke into his bedroom to shampoo him. Well, Osama bin Laden has now joined the ranks of people with embarrassing relatives.

You remember Osama don’t you? He is not someone you’d invite to a Tupper ware party. He’s been voted “Terrorist of the Year” five years running. He’s ugly as spit and has a face no one could love. I think he needs a good enema.

Osama is among 54 children of the late Saudi construction magnate Mohan Laden and his 22 wives. That might be a clue on why Osama is such a putz. He’s never smiled in his life and no wonder. Can you imagine waiting to get served food at that dinner table? The extended family includes several hundred people. Fundamental crack pot Muslims can’t drink, dance or yodel but they sure are allowed to shtoop. Osama was a college graduate in architecture – he must have specialized in CAVES.

If Osama wasn’t pissed off enough at America for trying to fry his ass he now has something else to be upset about. Walfar Dufour, his niece has proudly appeared in GQ magazine scantily clad. Most Muslim women are considered underdressed if they aren’t wearing a full suit of armor. And, rightly so if you’ve ever seen any…they look like the offspring of a mating session between a catfish and an opossum.

Walfour is the daughter of bin Laden’s half brother, Yeslam Binladin who received Swiss citizenship in 2001 and has condemned Osama, “for his hateful convictions.” He intentionally spells his name differently from his half brother. He tried to call himself “Shecky Binladin” but the name was already taken by a Saudi stand-up comedian.

Wafar Dufour, insists she has nothing in common with her wanted terrorist uncle. She isn’t six feet-six inches tall, doesn’t have a beard, wear a sheet and use a tree limb for a walking stick. “Everyone relates me to that man, and I have nothing to do with him. I never baked him a chocolate chip cookie in my life. I want to be accepted here, but I feel that everybody’s judging me and rejecting me,” said the California-born Dufour, a law graduate who lives in New York City. “Where’s the American spirit? Accept me. I want to be embraced, because of my values and yours. And I’m here. I’m not hiding.” She doesn’t explain her insistence on wearing a fake nose, glasses and mustache when she leaves her apartment.

Dufour, who adopted her mother’s maiden name after Sept. 11, 2001, has decided to prove her pro-American feelings, by appearing in severally provocative photos in GQ. In one she’s sprawled on a bed wearing lingerie and a feathered boa. Unnamed Justice Department sources claim that the feathered boa might have been worn by Osama bin Laden during a stay in a gay bathhouse in Paris. In another photo she appears in a bubble bath filled tub.

The pictures are likely to be considered obscene by conservative Muslims in and out of Arabia where women aren’t allowed to bathe. Wafar, who is a musician, was asked if she’d like to perform her music in the Middle East and claimed that her mother wouldn’t allow it – too afraid that “someone would want to kill me.” When asked “before or after hearing her music,” she said took the 5th. In the interview, Dufour says she would not date a fundamentalist Muslim cause, “they’re like dull, yo. I’m looking for a hunky Jewish doctor.”

If a bomb doesn’t finally get bin Laden his niece’s pictures might.

DO YOU SNORE?

This is a test. What is the worst thing a husband or wife can say to their mate? In my case, my wife used to complain that, “I was inconsiderate and we never communicated. I never cared about what she thought or said. That I was in my own world and selfish. That we never talked anymore and that I never listened to her.” I usually answered, “I’m sorry were you talking to me.”

Other favorite complaints are: “You’re lazy, you’re not romantic, you have no interest in me or the kids, the only thing you care about is eating and watching television, you belch too much, you’ve let yourself go and that I never should have married you.” And those are the comments of the couples who still love each other. No, the worst thing a wife or husband can say is you SNORE!

Snoring is a horrible thing especially at night. Sometimes a man who never snored in his life suddenly begins to sound like a freight train when his head hits the pillow. It must be a developed skill. Some women also have a snoring problem. My ex sounded like a 747 taking off when we went to sleep. When we are first accused of snoring we deny that we do. “No one ever told me that I snored before?” Being a late bloomer when it comes to snoring, I have tried every remedy known to science. I’ve put a close-pin on my nose; wore anti-snoring strips across my nose, tried magnets…stuffed my nose with socks…nothing worked. The only solution next to homicide is to sleep in separate bedrooms. What fun is that?

Well, there is finally hope for all of us who snore. According to the British Medical Journal, researchers in Switzerland working with chronic snorers and moderate sleep apnea patients believe that the answer to our problems is the Australian didgeridoo. The what? The Australian didgeridoo. What the hell is a didgeridoo? Some kind of sex toy?

It turns out the didgeridoo is a wind instrument which originated in northern Australia and is made from the trunk of a tree hollowed out by termites. The researchers had patients suffering from sleep apnea and severe snoring disorder take daily lessons in playing the didgeridoo. They found that those who played the instrument over a 4-month period showed significant improvement in their apnea and their partners also reported fewer disturbances from snoring.

The researchers said training the upper airways through the breathing techniques required to play the didgeridoo was behind the improvement. Holy Molly, if this proves true you can improve and have quality sleep time by simply learning how to play the didgeridoo. Husbands and wives can resume sleeping together…and only complain about the other’s farting.

The Geezer isn’t sure about this whole thing. Where does one buy a didgeridoo? How do you know you’re getting an original didgeridoo and not some cheap knock-off from China? And, I don’t know if I want to put some hunk of wood in my mouth that was once breakfast for termites.

OH, CANADA!

The Old Geezer is moving to Canada. No, I haven’t fallen in love with a Zamboni machine; decided to eat nothing but Spam; or got signed by a hockey team.

Canada is not only beautiful and cold most of the year but it has the most liberal justice system in the world. How else can you explain Anne Murray not being arrested for her singing?

Two Montreal clubs that cater to group sex do not breach standards of decency according to Canada’s Supreme Court. The Court ruled that group sex among like-minded adults in a private club does not meet the test for indecency. Way to go Canada. There are no Scalia’s or Thomas’s on the Supreme Court in Canada. Not sure about Ruth Bader Ginsberg…who looks hot to moi.

Of course the “consulting adults” part of the decision rules out married couples. As everyone knows any kind of sex during marriage is illegal in most countries. The ruling means no Canadian swinger club operators can be charged with keeping a “bawdy house.” Talk about antiquated words? I would love to keep a bawdy house, wouldn’t you?

“Entry to the club and participation in the activities were voluntary,” the Court said. Once again that knocks out married couples. Voluntary sex is about as rare with husbands and wives as reading an x-rated version of the Dead Sea Scrolls. “No one was forced to do anything or watch anything….especially Fox News. No one paid for sex.” There goes marriages again.

So the next time you hear from The Geezer he’ll probably say “eh?” a lot and be wearing mucklucks.

WATCH YOUR HANDS, BUDDY.

Are you a dirty old man….or woman? This is not a trick question so be honest about it. Have you ever looked down an unsuspecting woman’s blouse?
Have you ever found yourself staring at a man’s “bundle” when he wasn’t Tom Jones? Have you ever past a window and paused when you saw a neighbor in their birthday suit? Have you ever “casually” let your hand caress someone’s tush and tried to get away with it? If you answered yes to any of the above or found yourself breaking into a sweat thinking about those times….congratulations, you are a dirty old……………..

The reason for the questions is that once again The Old Geezer, as a public service, is warning you not to travel to Japan if you are a groper or potential groper. It seems the Japanese are serious about stamping out groping in their cities and have laws against it. Sadly, there are no laws against them constantly taking and posing for dumb photographs every second. They’re also Karaoke freaks. Now, if we can only restrict them to taking pictures while they sing – the world would be a better place.

The Japanese police are now using forensic analysis to hunt down gropers on crowded trains and malls by matching fabric fibers from the suspect’s palm with the victim’s clothes. They began applying the method in 2003. Under the technique a special film (again with the goddamn film) is pressed on the suspect’s palm to collect microfibers about a few hundredths of a millimeter. The samples taken are compared with fiber samples from the victim’s clothes on a powerful microscope.

Groping has long been a problem on crowded subways and other commuter trains in big Japanese cities. Passengers are often tightly pressed against each other, an inviting environment for potential offenders. Guess they’ve never been on a NYC subway during rush hour. Hell, 200 women were impregnated on subways last year and didn’t even know it. A record 2,201 cases of groping on Tokyo commuter trains were reported last year. Would you even consider groping the average Japanese woman? Most of them look like a piece of Sushi.

Police in recent years have increased patrolling on trains and platforms to cut the crime and train operators have introduced “women only” cars. If the groper happens to be a transvestite he’s home free. Gropers can be imprisoned for up to seven years, or fined up to around $420.

Let this be a warning to sex crazed Americans visiting Japan. The only way to beat the forensic fiber analysis is, of course, to do the groping when you’re naked.

NEED MONEY - ASK YOUR KID FOR SOME.

In the musical comedy “Bye-Bye, Birdie” Paul Lynde sang a song “What’s the matter with Kids today?” He played a frustrated father of teenagers – obviously not type casting. The closest Paul ever got to a woman is when he looked in the mirror.

Parents and grandparents have been lamenting and seem worried about their progenies behavior or lack of same. They worry that boys and girls today are spoiled, lazy, lack discipline and ambition. Well, the Geezer has news for everyone – kids today are as loving, cute, adorable pains in the asses as they ever were.

True some teens today believe that food should be eaten with their hands, especially soup and mashed potatoes. Most haven’t read a book since Moby Dick – and the only reason they tried to read that novel was because they thought it had to do with a sexually transmitted disease.

Just when grown-ups seem ready to throw up their hands in frustration a group of kids save the day. The Marquette Elementary School in Gary, Ind. became the sight of the strangest crime in modern history. A cafeteria worker at the school became suspicious when a 4th grade student paid for his lunch with a $20 bill. The texture of the paper didn’t seem right and she alerted the school authorities who called the police. When the cops asked the boy about the money he reached into his front pocket and pulled out a wad of bills that could choke Bill O’Reilly.

For those of you who might think that these dumb kids probably had a picture of Mr. Rogers on the bills – think again. Obviously, the pre-teens were avid watches of Cold Case Files or some other police show. When the police visited the 10 year olds home they found a pile of counterfeit money in a trash can…$179 worth of phony paper. Can you imagine how many lousy boloney sandwiches that would have bought?

The 4th grader, in the true tradition of Sammy the Bull, gave up the others in his crime syndicate. Along with the original 10-year old, they arrested 2 other boys and a 12-year old girl. Some speculate that the older woman might have been the brains of the outfit – a later day Bonnie without Clyde. The haul revealed seven fake 20s, three 10s, one 5 and four Ones.

The moral of this story is not to worry that kids are dull, lazy, un-ambitious loads of acne. These Gary, Ind., boys and girls prove that kids today are as deceitful and dishonest as we were. With their superior technical skills instead of stealing an apple from a pushcart they are trying to break the Federal Reserve Bank.

I’m sure the gang’s parents were terribly embarrassed and shocked by the news. It’s said that one father was so upset that he decided not to cheat on his income tax this year.

RIO'S THE PLACE TO PEE.......

Most people believe that the cities they live in are run by impersonal bureaucrats who don’t give a hoot for the citizens that pay the taxes to keep the city almost running. The needs of the men, women and children who reside there are of no importance to the elected politicians. All the politicos care about is being elected, raising money for their personal unlisted bank accounts and watching themselves babble on local television. As some smart guy once commented, when politicians put their hand on the bible to be sworn into office they wipe their fingerprints off as soon as the cameras are turned off.

Occasionally a city surprises everyone by proposing things to benefit a small minority of its citizens. When a city does it becomes a headline story. Instead of being applauded for taking the initiative to solve some problem, city governments are tarred and feathered for trying to do the right thing. Who will ever forget the Ohio town that decided it was time to do away with local public hangings? Newspapers, radio, television and conservative religious leaders blasted the city council for trying to stifle good, clean, healthy fun. If they stopped the hangings they might try to do away with having sex with inanimate objects. The city council was recalled and each member was hung in the city square. Tom DeLay was MC for the ceremony and Bob Novak did card tricks between each hanging. Oh, the fun and joy.

Rio De Janeiro which is in Brazil, don’t you know, just passed a ground breaking bill to deal with some of its citizen’s complaints. No, they didn’t concern themselves with mundane problems like homeless people, lousy schools, high taxes or the like. Here’s what they decided was more important. For most of the people living in the city, it’s a choice of the men’s room or the women’s. But Rio is trying to give an option to those who don’t fit easily into either category. The new law would require night clubs, shopping malls, movie theaters and large restaurants to provide a third type of bathroom for transvestites. Now, instead of just bathrooms that say, “Me and Women” Rio has bathrooms that say, “Other.”

“A lot of lawmakers didn’t want to deal with this issue, but it’s a serious problem in society,” said a city council member. “It’s a way to put an end to prejudice.” The city councilman then applied some more make-up and walked away on his chic high heels.

The politician said he got the idea when dozens of transvestites showed up for a local samba show. After dancing with many of the transvestites, he said, “It was a real problem. The women didn’t feel comfortable having them in the ladies’ room and the men didn’t want them in their bathroom either,” he stated. “Alternative bathrooms could also be used by men or women who didn’t mind sharing space with transvestites.” He claimed that there are nearly 28,000 transvestites in the city – not including him.

It seems that many of the transvestites are reluctant to go out because there’s no bathroom for them. He denied that the cost of building a third bathroom would be a big problem for restaurants or club owners. “It requires an initial investment, but after that, the establishment will end up making more money because it will have a larger public. “Transvestites like to spend,” he said and he should know.

Brazil is generally more tolerant of homosexuality than other Latin American countries, which is one of the reasons he moved there from that Ohio city. We should take off our Eva Gabor wigs and loosen our pantyhose in honor of the farsighted city council in Rio.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Willy Shakespeare once wrote “What’s in a name?” I thought long and hard about that and as far as I can see the answer is – letters. Most names are made up of letters. If you are a militant Muslim you might have a number in your name.

Names are important in society. Some names evoke trust and confidence. Many companies spend fortunes researching names for their products. Names that will make consumers comfortable and willing to shell out hard earned shekels to buy that product. The very mention of Jell-O is enough to make a youngsters mouth water. Mercedes makes a yuppie immediately reach for his checkbook. Rolex makes the average man and women tear-up in the thought of having a gold one around their wrist. Monopoly brings to mind many evening playing that game and hoping you don’t “go directly to jail, don’t pass Go.”

Some names don’t work and are big mistakes. Does the name Edsel mean anything to you? How about Nehru jackets? Chia Pets? One multi-million dollar soap company tried to market a new soap called, “Dreck.” They didn’t realize that Dreck in Yiddish meant “shit.” “Honey, I washed your new shirt in shit today. Come back…”

Many groups are proud and protective of their good name. They are willing to go to court to legally claim a trademark on the name. They don’t want other people using their name without permission. The Walt Disney Company is famous for stupidly protecting their character’s names. Who will ever forget the law suit they instituted against a child pre-school that had the chutzpah to dare call itself “The Mickey and Minnie Mouse Nursery.” I think Disney argued for the death penalty to be imposed against the pre-school. When The Geezer heard about Disney’s lawsuit he wished that Cinderella got knocked up and Goofy came down with AIDS.

A San Francisco group of motorcycle enthusiasts have just won their fight to trademark the name “Dykes in Bikes.” The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had denied applications by the Lesbian Women’s Motorcycle Contingent to trademark the name arguing the phrase would be perceived as disparaging to lesbians. What you may rightly ask does a group of conservative bureaucrats know about what pleases butch dykes? The National Center for Lesbian Rights said the work “dyke” is no longer viewed as derogatory. “Within the lesbian community that term has been reclaimed as a very positive term that denotes strength and pride and empowerment,” said Shannon Minter, a lawyer for the group.

The San Francisco Women’s Motorcycle Contingent sought the trademark after a woman in Wisconsin not affiliated with the group attempted to use the phrase for a clothing line. What nerve, hell, she didn’t even smoke a cigar.

Since lesbians are now proud to be known as dykes, feel free to saunter over to the next tattooed, muscular, crew-cut broad on a motorcycle and say, “Hiya doing Dyko?” When you wake up in ICU with tubes coming out of your arms and nose it’s probably only because she didn’t hear about winning the lawsuit.

THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES

Sexual harassment in the workplace is an ugly fact of life. It must be discouraged and those guilty of it should be punished. Both sexes are guilty of it. There have been many recorded cases of female employers trying to take sexual advantage of male employees. There is no excuse for that kind of abuse. The old Geezer feels so strongly about women trying to have their way with males working for them that he has applied for jobs in those businesses. He may be old but he is definitely randy.

Most of the known cases of sexual harassment deal with women being subjected to degrading and sometimes physical abuse by males over them. Male’s over them seems to be the preferred position….they obviously never heard of the Missionary position. Is there anything lower and more disgusting than taking advantage of some poor helpless underling? What right does any employer or fellow employee have to be sexually abusive to another worker? None. When a needed job is in jeopardy unless a woman agrees to unwanted sexual acts there should be swift and harsh penalties for the perpetrator. Workplace bullies are an embarrassment to all of us. And, I promise not to do it anymore.

One of the most unusual cases of harassment came to light recently. San Francisco is known as a pretty liberal city when it comes to sexual expression. Perversion is not a stranger in many Frisco neighborhoods. Just the other day a weirdo was caught tongue kissing a fire hydrant. A butch, tattooed woman was arrested for having rough sex with a barcalounger.

Two women have just settled their lawsuit in Woodside, California which is a suburb of “I Left My Heart In…” They claim that they were fired by their employers for refusing to show their breasts. Surprisingly they weren’t ask to bare their tatas to some sex crazed male boss – it was more diabolical than that – they were asked and refused to show their mammary glands to a gorilla. They took the Gorilla Foundation to court after being canned for refusing to expose their breasts to the 35-year-old, 300-pound female gorilla named Koko, who can understand some sign language. Court records do not state whether Koko signed, “Show me your tits.”

According to the lawsuit, they were told they should expose their breasts as a way to bond with Koko. Hell, I asked my ex the same thing and she just slugged me with a baseball bat…guess she wasn’t into bonding, either. It seems that Koko has a “nipple fetish” and what better way to show friendship than letting Koko fondle your nipples? I mean, a mere acquaintance wouldn’t let you fondle their nipples but a friend……come on, what are friends for?

To cut to the chase the two women refused and were fired by the Gorilla Foundation. The foundation has denied the allegations but settled the lawsuit anyway. Terms of the settlement were not made public but it is rumored that the two women are going to spend the money on breast enhancements.

MERRY CHRISTMAS....HO, HO, HO.

With all the problems the good old U.S. of A. has…who will Jennifer Simpson marry next and is Brittney Spears really a female impersonator – what we don’t need is an angry debate, by people who have too much time on their hands, about whether wishing somebody a Merry Christmas should be punishable by death?

Various groups of civil libertarians have decided that the word Christmas should be banned and substituted with Holiday If they get their way no longer can a fat, jolly man, wearing a red suit, wish you a “Merry Christmas”…he now can only wish you a Merry Holiday. If Irving Berlin was alive they’d make him re-write his song to, “I’m Dreaming of a White ‘Thingamajig’.” Families would now have to stand out in the cold trying to choose an overpriced Holiday Tree.

These conspiracy freaks are so frightened that Big Brother is hiding behind every door and trying to pollute our country with unnecessary, unwanted and illegal religious ceremonies and tokens that they are bringing law suits faster than T.O. can run a post pattern. They insist that Christmas is a religious holiday and the separation of state and religion prohibits its public displays. Let’s forget for a moment that most people consider Christmas a loving, warm few days to spend with loved ones and friends…the opponents of Christmas don’t realize the havoc they would cause if their law suits are upheld. Do they really want mean spirited green elves packing the unemployment offices? What about out-of-work reindeer? No one would care if Rudolph’s nose was red anymore. It’d be a disaster.

Screw those frightened and uptight folks. As a defrocked Druid, the Geezer likes Christmas and all it means to people. It is not a religious celebration to millions of Americans – it’s a time to give and share with family, friends and those less fortunate. That’s almost as good as fried chicken on Sunday.

As an illustration of this generous Christmas spirit a group of German youth has put together a 2006 calendar for all of us to enjoy. It contains 12 photos depicting erotic scenes from the bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson’s hair and a nude Eve offering an apple. “There’s a whole range of biblical scriptures simply bursting with eroticism,” said the photographer who took the titillating pictures. A young 21-year old Nubian posed on a doorstep in garters and stockings as the prostitute Rahab, who is mentioned in both New and Old Testaments. The real Rahab listed her phone number to call if you wanted a good time in biblical days. “We wanted to represent the Bible in a different way to interest young people.” She said.

The pastor of the church in Nuremberg where the calendar is being sold was enthusiastic about the project. “It doesn’t say anywhere in the bible that you are forbidden to show yourself nude. It’s just wonderful when teenagers commit themselves with their hair and their skin to the bible.” The pastor is working on sermons he hopes to sell to The Playboy channel.

Let’s all wish the young, demented teens in Germany a Merry and Happy Christmas. Got to go…I’m going to their website: www.bibelkalendar. Com…and buy enough to fill everyone’s Christmas stockings.

SHOOT TO KILL.

Are you a good old boy? I’m not…in fact I’m not even a good old boychick. I don’t understand the obsession to or fun in shooting defenseless animals. Some people get off by putting on dumb looking camouflage outfits, clunky boots and traveling hundreds of miles to stand in some woods or duck blinds freezing their asses off waiting to shoot anything that moves. I’d have more fun sitting on the wrong end of a jackhammer.

Exactly what satisfaction do they get in proudly displaying some animals head on their wall? Does that make them feel manly…or womanly? I’d like to see how brave these weekend warriors would be if the animals they were hunting also had guns and it became a battle of equals? I mean it, why not equip the elk and deer with expensive and deadly rifles and allow them to shoot back? Wouldn’t you love to see some eight point buck riding down the road, drinking beer and chewing tobacco with some fat, redneck strapped over his truck’s hood?

The problem with this “hobby” is that the men and women doing it also teach their children that it’s alright to own guns and shoot things. That means more deadly weapons are being bought and used and more money is going into the coffers of the NRA – a lobbying group that believes “guns don’t kill, people do.” If they believe their own bullshit, how many people can they point to that have actually pointed their finger at someone, pulled their cuticle and killed the person? Christ, what group in their right mind would have made Charlton Heston their President? Obviously they never saw him act...or they would have used him for target practice.

The reason for this rant is that it’s hunting season. Yes, the hills are alive with the sound of bullets. One farmer living in Loganton, Pa. got tired of his cows, horses and even his dogs being shot “accidentally” by some boozed up hunter. So instead of bringing his animals into his house – his wife objected to sitting down to dinner with “Elsie the Cow” seated on her right…he came up with the brilliant idea of painting his animals a bright orange to make sure they aren’t mistaken for deer. Makes a lot of sense because everyone knows how closely a cow or dog resembles a deer.

This Clinton county farmer wants his animals to stand out and they do. Fluorescent orange paint lines their backs and their sides. He’d rather spend $5 for a can of orange paint than have another one of his animals killed or injured. He painted his horses, his cows, his goats, his turkeys and even his Dalmatian, Buddy. A brilliant solution except for one thing – what if the idiot hunter is color blind?