CALL ME BACK.....

The State of California just passed a new law that mandates that drivers must use ‘hands-free’ telephones in their cars. It was long overdue. If you are on the road and see an auto weaving between lanes; hogging the left lane and driving slower than a turtle; or just acting like a danger to the other drivers it’s guaranteed to be one of three things. You can bet the farm on it. It’s either a senior, senior citizen behind the wheel who shouldn’t be on the road in the first place; an Oriental who should be driving a rickshaw and not pissing off other drivers because of their lack of skill; or - it’s some schmuck still using a handheld cell phone in spite of the new law. Obeying the law will not only make you a better driver but has some other benefits. You can now give yourself a pedicure while driving; put on your make-up and if you're a lucky guy get a quick auto-suck.

These arrogant SOBs not only are breaking the law but couldn’t care less. Every time I see one of them I quickly look around hoping to see a cop near-bye who will not only pull the putz over but taser him, or her, until they look like somebody holding the third rail. But like that old saying, “You can never find a cop when you need one.”

I applauded the new law when it was enacted like everyone else…unless they happen to be holding a goddamn cell phone. Gov. Arnold has to do something about these drivers breaking the ‘hands-free’ new law. The State should spend money and publicize it and warn of the consequences of a driver caught with a cell phone in their mitt. Up the fine for law breakers until they realize it’s a serious offense. Something like their first born might do the trick. OR, allow us law abiding drivers to take down the license plate of the offending car and report it to the police.

If you see anybody, anybody, entering a car with a cell phone strapped to their waist you should have the right to make a citizen’s arrest unless they can prove their car has ‘hands-free’ capability or a blue tooth with or without a cavity. If you disagree with this rant you can call me on my cell phone.

PULL YOUR GODDAMN PANTS UP!

LET’S HEAR IT FOR LYNWOOD, ILL. I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
THAT’S BETTER. LYNWOOD IS A SUBURB OF CHICAGO. IF YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS METROPOLIS DON’T FRET…NO ONE HAS. BUT, STARTING TODAY, LYNWOOD IS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH.

IT DID WHAT EVERY PERSON IN THE COUNTRY WOULD LIKE TO DO – NO, NOT BITCH SLAP, CHER – IT HAS BANNED YOUNG, AND OLD, IDIOT MEN FROM WEARING BAGGY PANTS SHOWING EXPOSED UNDERWEAR. “THE GANGSTA LOOK.” IT’S A LOOK THAT COULD MAKE A GOAT GAG!

HOW THIS SO-CALLED FASHION PHENOM GOT STARTED CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON DICK CHENEY OR HOLDING A 5-IRON DURING A LIGHTENING STORM. DO MEN REALLY THINK THAT EXPOSING THEIR UNDERWEAR WHILE THEIR BAGGY PANTS FALL AROUND THEIR ANKLES – IS A GOOD LOOK AND GUARANTEED TO EXCITE WOMEN? WRONG!

THE LOOK STARTED IN CALIFORNIA PRISONS WHEN BLACK INMATES (AIN’T THEY ALL?) REFUSED TO WEAR BELTS AND ALLOWED THEIR PRISON PANTS TO HANG BELOW THEIR KNEES. DOES THIS MEAN THAT DIOR AND RALPH LOREN ARE NO LONGER THE FASHION MAVENS AND MURDERERS AND DOPE PUSHERS ARE NOW SETTING STYLES? I JUST WISH THAT ANY MORON WEARING DROOPY PANTS TRIPPED AND BROKE THEIR NOSTRILS.

ANYWAY, LYNWOOD, DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. IT COULDN’T STOMACH ITS KIDS WALKING AROUND LIKE EXTRAS ON “COPS.” THE NEW LAW PREVENTS ANY MALE FROM EXPOSING 3-INCHES OF UNDERWEAR ABOVE THEIR BELTLINE. (I’D HATE TO HAVE THE JOB OF ENFORCING THE ORDINANCE. CAN YOU IMAGINE TAKING OUT A RULER AND MEASURING?) THE FINE IS $25 IF YOU ARE CAUGHT. IF AN OFFENDER HAS THE CHUTZPAH TO SHOW THE CRACK IN HIS ASS BECAUSE OF HIS OVERSIZED PANTS...IT CALLS FOR THE DEATH PENALTY. THE SUPREME COURT WOULD DECLARE IT CONSTITUTIONAL OR MY NAME ISN’T JACK KEVORKIAN.

WHAT A SCHMUCK!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO FIND NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THE U.S. LATELY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN TODAY’S PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE GONG SHOW.

GEORGE BUSH PROUDLY ADMITTED THAT ‘HE WASN’T AN ECONOMIST.” DUH! WHY DIDN’T HE ADMIT THAT HE’S A MENTAL RETARD AND THE WORST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY? AS LONG AS HE WAS BEING TRUTHFUL……

HE TRIED TO SOUND OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE ECONOMY. HE SAID THINGS WEREN’T AS BAD AS PEOPLE THINK. “PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE WORKING” – ESPECIALLY IF THEY LIVE IN INDIA, CHINA, JAPAN AND OTHER PLACES FAR AWAY. GEORGE, ALSO CLAIMED THAT THE HOUSING CRISES IS A PROBLEM BUT LIVING IN A DUMPSTER AIN’T THAT BAD. HE URGED ONE OF THE WAYS WE CAN SOLVE THE ENERGY PROBLEM WAS FOR PEOPLE NOT TO USE THEIR AIR CONDITIONERS WHEN THEY’RE NOT HOME OR ON VACATION. THE GUY IS SHARP. HE SWORE THAT PEOPLE AREN’T GOING HUNGRY AND ALL THOSE EATING THEIR SHOES FOR DINNER WERE TRYING A NEW DIET.

THE PREZ FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT GASOLINE AT THE PUMPS WERE KINDA HIGH BUT IF WE BEGIN DRILLING OFF-SHORE IT SHOULD SOLVE THE SHORTAGE OF OIL AND NATURAL GAS BY THE TIME ANGELINA JOLIE’S NEW TWINS ARE ILLEGIBLE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.

I MUST SAY I FELT SO MUCH BETTER AFTER LISTENING TO BUSH’S COMFORTING WORDS THAT I JOINED THE TALIBAN.

MADONNA IS A CUNT!

Let’s talk about Alex Rodriguez. “A-Rod” is a great baseball player who makes millions and millions of dollars. He’s young, good-looking and a major celebrity. New Yorkers love this Yankee even thought they boo him at times. New York fans boo all their favorites. It must be the water.

A-Rod has been making lots of headlines – not because of his performance on the diamond – but because of an ugly divorce that he’s involved in. Obviously, young athletes have oodles of young, sexy, groupies throwing themselves at their spikes and I’m sure Alex has had his share of nymphets but what has the Old Geezer shaking his head is that his latest fling is with a late 50’s broad who is an unrepentant publicity hound and poster girl for birth control.

Why has he gotten himself involved with Madonna, whose claim to fame is a fake English accent and having a fibrous uterus? For crying out loud, she’s old and used up and talent-less. Madonna has proven that she will do anything for cheap publicity. Remember her wearing those pointy iron bras? Her sticking her tongue down any woman’s throat that can be caught on camera? I’m not sure she could ever sing. Her most famous attribute, to me, is the space between her front teeth. A homeless family of twelve could live there comfortably.

I’m very disappointed in Alex Rodriguez. Instead of him fooling around with Playboy Bunnies or Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders he decided to use his vital juices on a shrunken bad, elderly singer. Even I wouldn’t waste my bodily fluids on Madonna. It’d be like fucking Bess Truman!