READ YOUR BIBLE.

This is perhaps the strangest Blog in Geezerdom history. I, am, not a very religious person. I don’t say this with any sense of pride. I just got turned off when someone got me a pop-up Bible on my sixth birthday. I was hoping for a blow-up, rubber lady named Christine.

Knowing all about the thousands of ‘begats’ contained in the old and new Testaments I guess I was hoping to do a little begetting with Christine. It seems that religion has been the cause of more wars, killings, enslavements and persecutions throughout history than anything else…with the exception, possibly, of marriage.

The thing that gets me is that each religion insists that it is the only true religion and that anything else is as phony as the judging on American Idol. Not only is it the only real religion but they’ll kill you to prove it. All of us are disgusted and strangely amused by the Televangelists that harangue viewers insisting that you send in money to these con men and women. Any amount will do – a social security check, your life savings, and the money that is needed to pay the medication needed for your favorite guppy. Most of these right wing religious zealots have more money than most countries but still want yours. “Send in a small contribution to help pay for my private jet and I will send you an authentic, one of a kind, gold filling from Jesus’ mouth. His dentist has authenticated it. Hallelujah!”

Once in awhile the newspapers report on a strange event involving a religion or the bible that makes me laugh. Recently a dude in Chattanooga, Tenn. – not a hotbed of liberalism – flipped out and took the bible’s scripture to heart. The good book does mention fire and brimstone a lot but nothing about motel rooms. Richard McCoy, 37, decided that he was either very cold or he heard a ‘voice’ which told him that the Best Western Heritage Inn were cheap bastards and that if he wanted more heat in his room – to do something about it. So, he started several small fires, in the room, using pages from those bibles that motels insist on shoving in night table drawers as kindling. Why the hell don’t they shove a list of the best adult massage parlors instead?

Old Richard was arrested for aggravated arson and vandalism. He was judged mentally competent to stand trial is being held in the county jail. When asked why he set the fires, he told investigators that he was watching some religious show and since he didn’t have any money to send in for an ‘authentic loafer worn by Jesus during the Last Supper’ he got depressed and cold.

As a defrocked Druid I feel for this poor guy. Instead of sending him bail money I sent him a set of long johns. Hallelujah!

STUFF & NONSENSE!!!!

THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES IN WASHINGTON WERE ALL IN A TISSY WITH THE SEEMING DISCOVERY OF A LETTER FROM ABRAHAM LINCOLN EXHORTING HIS GENERALS TO PURSUE ROBERT E. LEE’S ARMY AFTER THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG, UNDERSCORING ONE OF THE GREAT MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR AN EARLY END OF THE CIVIL WAR.

PERSONALLY, I’M ALWAYS SUSPICIOUS OF ‘NEWLY
DISCOVERED” FINDS. ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE ALWAYS CLAIMING TO UNEARTH LOST CIVILIZATIONS, CITIES, TOMBS AND OBJECTS. FIRST, WHY WOULD SOME MAN OR WOMAN DEVOTE THEIR LIFE AND PROFESSIONAL REPUTATION SWEARING THAT THEY FOUND SOME PRECIOUS ITEM DATING MILLIONS OF YEARS? MY SKEPTICISM STARTED WHEN EGYPTIAN PROFESSOR OMAR GOLDFARB PROUDLY PROCLAIMED THAT HE FOUND THE TWO MILLION YEAR OLD CRYPT OF KING TUT’S YOUNGER BROTHER, HERB. WHEN HE OPENED THE COFFIN HE FOUND GOLD, DIAMONDS, THE MUMIFIED REMAINS AND A DVD SET OF “SEX & THE CITY.” I, OF COURSE, QUESTIONED THE AUTHENICITY OF THE EXCAVATION.

NATURALLY WHEN I HEARD AN ARCHIVES CIVIL WAR SPECIALIST DISCOVERED THE JULY 7, 1863, NOTE IN A BATCH OF MILITARY PAPERS STORED AMONG THE BILLIONS OF PAGES OF HISTORICAL DOCUMENTS AT THE MAMMOTH BUILDING ON PENNSYLANIA AVENUE…I SAID STUFF AND NONSENCE! HOW COME THIS ‘SPECIALIST” SUDDENLY HAPPENED TO PICK OUT ABE’S ‘NOTE’ FROM AMONG ALL THE OTHER PAPERS? DID HE WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND YELL, “SUMNABITCH – IT’S IN BATCH TWO THOUSAND AND NINE?” OR, WHEN HE WAS SEARCHING DID HE HEAR A VOICE SAYING, “YOU’RE GETTING CLOSER.”

THE TRUTH IS I DOUBT THAT HONEST ABE WROTE THE NOTE. IT’S A PHONY. AFTER SIGNING HIS NAME THERE WAS A P.S. – “FREE PARIS HILTON.”

A NERVOUS DOG.

THE PARIS HILTON COURTROOM COMEDY SKETCH IS LIVING PROOF THAT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT SAYING MEANT. IT’S LIKE “HAPPY AS A CLAM.” HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HAPPY CLAM? HOW CAN YOU TELL? DOES IT GIGGLE WHEN YOU DIP IT IN COCKTAIL SAUCE?

CHELSEA, VERMONT HAS NOW JOINED THE RANKS OF TOWNS WITH RETARDED LAWS AND JUSTICE SYSTEM. JUST A DAY BEFORE THEY WERE GOING TO PUT A WOMAN ON TRIAL THE STATE’S ATTORNEY DECIDED TO DROP THE CHARGES AGAINST HER. BEFORE YOU GET UPSET ABOUT CODDLING CRIMINALS AND PROTECTING THE RIGHTS OF VICTIMS – TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

JAYNA HUTCHINSON WAS ARRESTED BY THE VERMONT STATE POLICE FOR…YOU’RE GOING TO SAY THE OLD GEEZER MADE THIS UP…..”STARING AND MAKING FACES AT A POLICE DOG.” NUTS, HUH? HERE’S HOW IT HAPPENED. POLICE WERE CALLED TO A MARKET TO INVESTIGATE A REPORTED BRAWL. THEY WERE APPROACHED BY HUTCHINSON, WHO TOLD ONE OFFICER SHE HAD BEEN ASSAULTED THE DAY BEFORE BY ONE OF THE MEN INVOLVED. SHE ASKED VERMONT STATE POLICE SGT. TODD PROTZMAN TO TAKE HER STATEMENT BUT HE REFUSED, TELLING HER SHE SMELLED LIKE ALCOHOL AND WAS DRUNK BUT THAT HE WOULD TAKE HER STATEMENT ANOTHER TIME. SURE. TYPICAL COP MOVE…WAS PROBABLY IN A HURRY TO GET TO A DONUT SHOP.

AFTER A HEATED EXCHANGE, SHE APPROACHED PROTZMAN’S CRUISER, WHERE HIS DOG MAX WAS WAITING, PUTTING HER FACE WITHIN INCHES OF THE WINDOW AND “STARING AT HIM IN A TAUNTING/HARASSING MANNER.
“WHEN THE DEFENDANT TAUNTED MY CANINE, MAX WAS FOCUSED ON THE DEFENDANT AND THE PERCEIVED THREAT SHE PRESNTED TO HIM”, PROTZMAN CLAIMED. “HE WAS NO LONGER FOCUSED ON ME AND THE OTHER OFFICERS AT THE SCENE.
SO THAT’S WHAT THIS CASE WAS ALL ABOUT. THE COP WAS JEALOUS OF THE WOMAN BECAUSE THE DOG WAS INTERESTED IN HER. THIS VERMONT GESTAPO OFFICER BETTER GET A LIFE. FIRST, THE CANINE IS NOT “HIS”. IT BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE OF VERMONT. “PROSECUTING A WOMAN FOR STARING AT A POLICE DOG IS ABSURD,” SAID HER LAWYER. “PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE FACES AT POLICE DOGS AND OFFICERS TO EXPRESS THEIR DISAPPROVAL. IT’S CONSTITUTIONAL EXPRESSION.” DAMN RIGHT! I, AM, SO UPSET BY THIS THAT I MAY TAKE A TRIP TO VERMONT AND STICK MY TONGUE OUT AT EVERY DOG I SEE. IF SHE CHANGED THE DOG’S BEHAVIOR LET THE MUTT GO AND VISIT TONY SOPRANO’S SHRINK. HE DOESN’T NEED HER ANYMORE.

N OW THAT'S A WIFE.

REMEMBER THAT OLD SAYING, “I WOULDN’T TOUCH THAT (HIM, HER, IT) WITH A TEN FOOT POLE…EVEN IF THE 10-FOOT POLE WAS NAMED STASH?

POLAND AND POLES HAVE BEEN THE SUBJECT OF RIDICULE AND JOKES FOR YEARS. PERHAPS THESE INSULTS WERE UNCALLED FOR BUT WE NEED SOMEONE TO PUT DOWN. IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY.

ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVES THAT KIELBASA IS A GOURMET FOOD AND THAT PIROGIES CAN CURE THE HEARTBREAK OF PSORIASIS IS EASY TARGETS. REMEMBER, THE POLISH NATIONAL SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONSISTS OF 120 ACCORDIANS. NO WIND, BRASS, STRING OR RHYTHM INSTRUMENTS – JUST ACCORDIANS. GUESS “LADY OF SPAIN” MUST BE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

JUST IN CASE YOU THINK THAT THE POLES ONLY GET BAD PRESS THINK AGAIN. A CASE IN POINT: JAN GRZEBSKI IS A 65-YEAR OLD RAILWAY WORKER WHO WAS HIT BY A TRAIN 19-YEARS AGO. PERHAPS HE WASN’T LOOKING OR DECIDED TO PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE LOCOMOTIVE. IT WON. HE FELL INTO A COMA FOLLOWING THE ACCIDENT AND DOCTORS GAVE HIM ONLY TWO OR THREE YEARS TO LIVE. I GUESS COMMUNIST DOCTORS THINK BEING HIT BY A TRAIN IS ABOUT AS SERIOUS AS A HANG NAIL.

WHEELCHAIR-BOUND GRZEBSKI CREDITS HIS WIFE GERTRUDE FOR HIS RECOVERY. FOR 19-YEARS GERTRUDE DID THE JOB OF AN EXPERIENCED INTENSIVE CARE TEAM, CHANGING HER COMATOSE HUSBAND’S POSITION EVERY HOUR TO PREVENT BED-SORE INFECTIONS. A WIFELY THING TO DO. SHE ALSO BELCHED BORSCHT AT HIM EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SNUGGLING UP WITH THEIR PET PIG. WHEN JAN MIRACULOUSLY AWOKE HE TOLD EVERYONE HE FELT LIKE A 46-YEAR OLD BOYCHICK. HE ALSO FOUND HIMSELF IN A NEW POLAND. NO LONGER HAD A COMMUNIST COUNTRY AND THAT STORES MORE THAN TEA AND VINEGAR ON THEIR SHELVES. MAYBE DRINKING THE TEA AND VINEGAR CAUSED HIS COMA AND NOT THE TRAIN. HE ALSO AWOKE TO FIND THAT HIS 4-CHILDREN HAD ALL MARRIED AND PRODUCED 11 GRANDKIDS DURING HIS 19-YEARS IN HOSPITAL.

QUESTION: DO YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE WOMAN WOULD BE AS DEDICATED AS OLD GERTRUDE? BE HONEST. NAH!

YUMMMMM. A DOG.

AREN’T YOU SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO HEMANDHAW ABOUT THINGS? WHERE ARE THE BALSY FOLKS WHO SPEAK THEIR MINDS? I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THEY SPEAK SOMEONE ELSES MIND. IF SOMETHING BOTHERS YOU DON’T LET IT GIVE YOU AN ULCER – YELL, SCREAM OR PUNCH A PILLOW. IF YOU DON’T OWN A PILLOW, PUNCH THE PERSON WHO’S CAUSING YOU THE PROBLEM.

I, AM, ADDING A PROTESTOR, LIVING IN LONDON, TO MY TOP TEN LISTS OF HEROES. THIS FELLOW GOT PISSED OFF AT THE ROYAL FAMILY AND INSTEAD OF MUMBLING ABOUT IT – HE TOOK ACTION. NOW THERE’S A LOT ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT CAN ANNOY ANYONE. THE WAY THEY LOOK; THEIR MONEY; THE QUEEN’S FASHIONS OR LACK OF SAME AND, OF COURSE, THEIR ABILITY TO NOT DO ANYTHING.

WHEN THIS GUY READ THAT THE QUEEN’S HUSBAND, IN A FIT OF PIQUE, BEAT A FOX TO DEATH HE FELT SOMETHING DRASTIC WAS IN ORDER. NOW, PHILIP IS A CARD CARRYING PUTZ BUT EVEN HE CAN’T GO AROUND BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SOME DEFENSELESS ANIMAL. WAIT, MAYBE HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIS WIFE THE FOX/ROAD KILL TO WEAR AROUND HER TURKEY NECK.

BEFORE YOU START THINKING THAT THIS BRITISH MAN WAS SOME KIND OF TREE-HUGGER OF BLEEDING LIBERAL…YOU ARE WRONG. HE DIDN’T TRY TO BREAK INTO BUCKINGHAM PALACE AND ASSAULT THE QUEEN EVEN THOUGH GOD KNOWS SHE NEEDS SOME ASSAULTING….HE CHOSE TO SHOW HIS PROTEST TO THE SENSELESS KILLING BY STRIKING BACK AT THE ROYALS FAVORITE THING.

HE CALLED THE PRESS TOGETHER AND IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEM ATE THE QUEENS FAVORITE KIND OF DOG. A CORGI. THESE FUNNY LOOKING DOGS ARE AS UGLY AS CAMILLA PARKER AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT THEY SHIT ALL OVER THE PALACE. YES, HE TUCKED A NAPKIN UNDER HIS CHIN AND MUNCHED AWAY.
NOW, SOME MIGHT SAY THAT HE WENT TOO FAR BUT NOT MOI. WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE FOX IS GOOD FOR A FLEABAG OF A DOG.

THIS BRAVE SOUL DIDN’T EVEN PUT KETCHUP ON HIS MEAL. HE ATE IT AU’NATURAL. I’M SENDING HIM A CONGRATULATORY TELEGRAM AND A CASE OF DIARRHEA MEDICATION. I TIP MY BOWLER TO THIS GENTLEMAN.

A BANK AFTER MY OWN HEART.

PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES – WE’RE GONNA TAKE A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE.

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN BANKS WERE PEOPLE FRIENDLY INSTITUTIONS? THEY USED TO GIVE OUT GIFTS IF YOU OPENED A CHECKING OR SAVINGS ACCOUNT. ELECTRIC BLANKETS, TOASTERS – IF THEY RAN OUT OF ELECTRIC BLANKETS THEY ASKED YOU TO HOLD THE HOT TOASTER TO YOUR CHEST; DISHES AND POTS AND PANS. THAT WAS FOR JUST HAVING AN ACCOUNT WITH THEM. NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW A PASSPORT TO JUST GET A WITHDRAWL OR DEPOSIT SLIP.

THE GEEZER IS HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THERE ARE SOME BANKS THAT ARE STILL USER FRIENDLY PLACES. IN CAP d’ AGDE, FRANCE THEY WELCOME YOU IN AN UNUSUAL WAY. CAP d’ AGDE IS A SEASIDE TOWN IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE WHICH CATERES TO NUDISTS. EVERYBODY WALKS OR RUNS AROUND IN THEIR BIRTHDAY SUITS. EVEN THE BANKS IN THAT COMMUNITY ARE NUDIST. I KID YOU NOT. ALL EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS ARE NAKED. TALK ABOUT FRIENDLY!!!! IF YOU OPEN AN ACCOUNT IN ONE OF THE BANKS THERE THEY DON’T GIVE YOU HOUSEHOLD GOODS THEY OFFER A TUBE OF SUN SCREEN. EVERYDAY COMMON PHRASES HAVE NEW MEANING IN THIS TYPE OF BANK. IF YOU WALK UP TO A SEXY NUDE TELLER AND SAY YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOST AND WITHDRAWAL SHE MIGHT BLUSH.

I, AM, CONSIDERING MOVING ALL MY CASH TO CAP d’ AGDE. IS THERE ANYTHING MORE FRIENDLY THAN A NUDE LOAN OFFICER? OF COURSE, IF ONE OF THE TELLERS LOOKS LIKE EDNA WEINSTEIN, AN EMPLOYEE OF MY PALM SPRINGS BANK – I MAY HAVE TO RECONSIDER. EDNA WOULDN’T LOOK TOO APPETIZING WITHOUT CLOTHES ON. HELL, SHE BARELY IS ACCEPTABLE IN HER MUMU AND MUSTACHE.