TO BE OR NOT TO BE....

Actors are very strange individuals. Seriously strange. For anyone who doubts this there’s an old saying, “Remember it was an actor who killed Lincoln.”
If you ask most Broadway actors their biggest regret they’ll answer, “That I can’t sit in the audience and watch me.” Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that you got it made. Actors face rejection every day which makes them unstable, nervous, high-strung and insecure. I could say the same thing about most husbands but won’t.

Actually to be fair, all performers are bonkers. I saw one in a bar that was really offbeat, unfortunately he was a singer. Think about singers who are passed their prime but keep working. The last few years Sinatra had a hush-hush operation. They put in support tonsils. Comedians are no better. There are a few, when they open their refrigerators and the light comes on – do their act.

For those of you who think I am, being unkind…check this out: an actor in Rio De Janeiro who was fired from an afternoon TV soap opera decided to complain. He didn’t call his agent, he didn’t kvetch to the newspapers – this fellow took the lizard in his own hands. With gun in hand, clad only in a bathing suit stormed the television studio and took a hostage during the filming of the “Snakes and Lizards” soap opera where he was once an extra. I think he played the rattle on a rattle snake. Why did he wear a bathing suit? He wanted everyone to know he had nice legs. See – crazy!

This out-of-work actor who was fired from the series fired two shots in the air and took one employee hostage in the incident. He told police he didn’t really intend to hurt anyone – he was just acting – but only wanted to draw the studio’s attention to his art. He succeeded and was arrested for attempted murder. Now he probably can get a job as a serial killer in a slasher flick. Lots of visitors sitting in the audience initially thought the scene was part of the plot, but then panicked as he pointed his gun at them.

The amazing thing about this story is if it happened in America this wacko would be on Leno and Oprah. William Morris would be panting to sign him; and his career would take off. This guy who battled all his life for recognition will now probably wear sunglasses so people won’t recognize him. He’ll have to deal with the paparazzi and fans stalking him. All of which will mean that he’ll be happy as a clam – even though I never met a happy clam…or even a smiling one.

If your kid ever announces that he or she wants to be an actor slap them upside the head and have them join the Marines.

KIDS MAKING A FASHION STATEMENT

Teenagers today have a lot to complain about. Society, parents and schools expect a lot from them and the teens feel like they’re being taken advantage of. Parents actually expect them to be respectful, not to burn down the house, put their siblings in the washer for laughs and occasionally clean up their rooms. There’s no fun in that. Even if they behave many are expected to be satisfied with a three year old Mercedes and not the newest model. Sometimes their cell phone, I pod or computer games are out of style and they catch hell from peers. Why children in kindergarten need cell phones is beyond the Geezer’s comprehension.

At school, teens are expected to actually study and learn things. Some school districts insist that they read books. Reading books is for geeks and nerds. Who the heck wants to strain their eyes reading books like: “All About Guppies, Who’s Who in Saudi Arabia 1978-79, How Can I Relate to My Juicer”? If that isn’t bad enough, certain School Districts are now instituting dress codes for their students. This is America not some dictatorship.

Arlington, Texas’ school district has gone too far according to the boys and girls attending their High Schools. It wasn’t bad enough that they banned kids from showing up to school looking like gang bangers and Hell’s Angels. Three schools actually refused to allow light-in-the-loafer boys from wearing pinafores. The Arlington district has expanded its dress codes to include mouths – and earlobes.
Students may no longer wear mouth jewelry known as “grillz” – shinny teeth caps – or the earlobe-stretching practice known as “gauging.” Remember when we were young and wore braces to straighten our teeth so we wouldn’t be teased about eating corn on the cob through a fence?

“The district has to respond to fads because they’ve become distracters or a safety hazard for those around them,” said the district’s executive director. Can you imagine objecting to kids trying to stretch their earlobes by hanging dumbbells and anvils from them? Students said the body modifications are simply self-expression and if they want to look like Ubangi’s its no one’s business. If they want to look like that 7-foot villain from Bond movies who had a mouth full of metal teeth whose business is it?

School officials said they hope to teach students that life would require them to follow specific regulations in specific settings. “We want to instill in them a sense of modesty and a sense of community. We’re preparing them for the work force, and in the work force there are rules.” When did that happen?

The thing that is most interesting is why parents would allow their off springs to look even dumber and uglier than they normally do? Bring back the good old days of zits and poodle dresses.

THE THREE Rs.

For all the people who insist that criminals are among the dumbest creatures on the face of the earth and point to prisons being overcrowded to prove their argument I say ‘not so fast.’ It is undeniable that many nefarious men and women don’t have all their oars in the water but to condemn an entire population by doubting their intelligence is unfair and an exaggeration. Oh, sure, some of you A-Type personalities will point to Melvin Needleman who was convicted of opening a chain of shoe shine stands on the beach.

Every once in awhile a criminal comes along and does something that baffles law enforcement. Their crime is so diabolical and strange that it would make passing a kidney stone a walk in the park. Salt Lake City police are still confounded by the killer who confessed even though the only evidence of his crime as the victim’s eyebrow…a set of sideburns, a lower lip and two cups of armpit hair.

Greencastle, Indiana authorities are faced with one of those unexplained criminal acts. A consonant-loving thief has police and business owners confused after dozens of Rs were stolen from signs around the community. “We’ve lost our Rs. And we want them back,” said an irate Randall Jones, president of Headley Hardware. Some now refer to him as “andall Jones” and his store as “Headley Hadwae.” This unsettling caper targeted gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people 40-miles west of Indianapolis. The thief also nabbed half a dozen Rs from a lighted marquee in front of a National Guard post.

“I don’t know if he thinks it’s a joke, but to me it’s just theft with a capital R,” said a police official. One of the victims isn’t sure how the crook climbed more than 6-feet off the ground to take Rs from a sign in front of her motel now called “The Est, Elaxation, Oadside Motel.” Why in the hell would somebody want to steal consonants? With all the valuable items that can be found in Greencastle…like…uh…a collection of Frankie Valli records or the recipe for spam soufflé why would someone risk jail to pilfer Rs? I checked with one of my sources in the FBI – actually J. Edgar Hoover’s dress maker - and they have no record of a consonant hooligan. This is a first.

What if this crime starts a trend in the U.S.? Cities all over could find that fiendish criminals begin heisting other letters or punctuation: semicolons, apostrophes, quotation marks and hyphens. The English language as we know it would be at an end. We’ll begin to sound like the audience at the Jerry Springer show. Screw gang bangers and drug dealers, this is serious.

MAKE MINE EGG BEATERS.

Whenever things around the world get too humdrum we can always count on a miracle to brighten things up. Believers get excited, begin to pray and visit the site of the so-called miracle. If the ‘miracle’ is really newsworthy you might find Wolf Blitzer covering the event. Guys like Blitzer don’t normally leave their comfortable studio to cover any fakata miracle. It has to be a biggie. Something that Leno and Letterman can really make fun out of.

Miracles come in all shape and sizes. We are all familiar with things like a statue of Mary which suddenly begins to cry tears. That happens a few times every year and turns out to be a scam. Usually, they find a little, bald, gnome standing behind the statue and shooting liquid from his water pistol through holes in Mary’s eyes. The ‘winking Jesus’ is not used too much anymore by ‘miracle’ entrepreneurs looking to make a fast buck. They never could decide which eye would wink.

Some other classic ‘miracles’ appearing in the last few decades were: a pancake shaped in the likeness of Moses minus his beard; the jelly donut which had the Last Supper including Judas asking for the check; the brisket of beef which spelled out the name ‘Shecky’. There have been others too numerous to mention.

One of the truisms about these miracles is that they almost always happen in poor countries amongst poor people. Probably they need something in their lives to look forward to besides hunger, flies and oppression. The Geezer can guarantee that no suspicious miracles will be found in Palm Beach unless it involves Donald Trump. The latest ‘miracle’ find was in Kazakh in eastern Kazakhstan. This region is not known for its cultural way of life. Its dirt poor and so is the people.

As reported by state media (which turns out to be a guy with a broken pencil and bad breath) a chicken in the village laid an egg with the word “Allah” inscribed on its shell. “Our mosque confirmed that it says ‘Allah’ in Arabic,” said one of the village’s elders who is 9-years old. “We’ll keep this egg and we don’t think it’ll go bad,” he continued. The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village. A few skeptical villagers claim that the egg didn’t have “Allah” on its shell…the word was “Oy Vey.” Apparently the chicken may have been a rooster which explains the ‘Oy Vey.’

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion. Its largest city, “Feh!” has only one miniature golf course and a topless bar called, “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded.” The citizens of this small, rural village are hoping to attract visitors including Ed Sullivan to boost their economy.

MR. T TO THE RESCUE.

Just when I think the world is going to hell in a hand basket something happens to change my mind. To give all of us hope. Maybe mankind isn’t so bad after all. What put me into this philosophical frame of mind? Mr. T. did.

You remember Mr. T. don’t you? He was the hulking thug that used to be in the television series “Punky Brewster.” Nah, I’m joshing – pulling your shwance. It was “The A-Team.” He has more muscles than The Hulk and Don Knotts combined. Mr. T. was even in one of the three thousand Rocky films playing the evil opponent. He kind of disappeared recently but like a case of the herpes he’s baaaaack!

The former television action star decided to shed the piles of gold chains that were his signature after witnessing the destruction from Hurricane Katrina. T. used to wear enough gold chains to sink an aircraft carrier. “As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate,” he said. Before you call Pat Robertson and claim that T’s change is a miracle and he should be put of for sainthood – there’s a reason for him going public. Turns out that Mr. T, whose real name is Lawrence Tero, is hosting “I Pity the Fool” TV show debuting in October on TV Land. In it he will dispense advice to viewers who are struggling with life’s problems.

Just imagine the life altering advice he can offer: how to break someone’s legs without a baseball bat; eye gouging #101. “I saw some, I call it ‘sorry celebrities.’ They go down to New Orleans and hook up with people to take a photo-op. Was he talking about the President? I said, ‘How disgusting.’ “If you ain’t goin’ down there with a check and a hammer and nails to help people, don’t go down there.” Apparently, T. is a maestro with a hammer, not to mention brass knuckles.

He claims he’s about more than his rough-and-tough image. “Yes, I’m qualified to beat people up, but I am pretty intelligent,” he said. “That’s what throws people off. If you’ve been through something, that gives you authority that you can speak of certain things. That’s why people relate to me. I pull no punches.”
Which is probably why he spent time in a state prison.

Even with his new found wisdom, T. admits that he once thought Dick Nixon was a sexually transmitted disease.

HOW TO BEGIN?

Writing is a very difficult vocation or avocation. Most things you read make you wish the author was caught committing a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber bands. Is there anything duller or nauseating than bad writing? That’s the question I ask myself after reading one of my Blogs.

Imagine the stark terror of staring at a blank piece of paper sticking out of a typewriter carriage that dares you to write something meaningful or clever when your mind is as blank as a Vegas showgirl’s stare. Today, of course, modern technology has changed things. Instead of a blank piece of paper the petrified writer is probably facing an empty computer screen. This ailment is called “Writer’s block.” The Geezer suffered from it for many years. My total output of prose during that time consisted of three commas and one semi-colon.

The most difficult thing about writing is getting started. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds. You want to interest and capture a reader’s attention with the first sentence. Some examples of the difficulty can be found in a collection called, “Ignore These Four Words.” Here are a few of my favorite opening lines: “The giant man began to shit on Philadelphia”; “That’s when the gorilla showed up”; it was probably the veal parmagian incident. Well what was it doing in his wallet?” “Have you ever thought about knock-knock jokes?”

There is an actual contest for bad writing put on by San Jose University in California. This year’s winner was a retired mechanical designer named Jim Guigli. He is blessed with a penchant for poor prose and took a tired detective novel scene and made it even worse earning him top honors. He submitted 64 entries into he contest which impressed, or revolted the judges with his lack of talent. His winning effort was a passage about a comely woman who walks into a detective’s office. San Jose University professors use words like “comely” which is enough to intimidate most people.

Here’s what he wrote: “Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.” Wow! “He won because of his appalling powers of invention, “said Professor Scott Rice who has been in charge of the bad writing contest since its inception in 1982.

Guigli will receive “a pittance: for his winning entry (they also use the word pittance in San Jose), a bit of cash he said he might put toward the purchase of a motor boat or a dictionary. His work for the contest represents a sampling of a career that never quite developed for him. The contest is named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830n novel began with the often mocked, “It was a dark and storm night.” What the hell is wrong with that opening? He could have written something like, “I was too drunk to jerk off.”

CARRY ME BACK TO OLD ESTONIA....

Most counties and cultures have special things that they are proud of. The kinds of things that make them unusual. It might be a philosophy, religion, art, food or ancient ruins that is unique to that region. Israel and Palestine is famous for its holy sights and religious heritage; Greece as the birthplace of knowledge and philosophy; Rome for its antiquities and the Vatican; Bulgaria is renowned for uh…uh…well,…let’s see…uh…okay, forget Bulgaria. It always was and continues to be a useless piece of shit!

Finland is another strange and little known country. It is, of course, known for its reindeer, cold weather and as the birthplace of many famous stand-up comedians. The Geezer is being facetious because there is nothing funny or amusing about Finland. However, the lovely town of Sonkajarvi is the exception to the rule. This hamlet is home to the “World Wife-Carrying Championship.” Yes, muscle-bound husbands fling the not so little woman onto their backs and compete for a worthless facockta title.

Finishing upside down clinging to a man’s back may not be the most graceful way of winning but it sure helped Sandra Kullas and Margo Uusong to this year’s world wife-carrying crown. These spunky Estonians were among 40 pairs from eight countries who competed in the exciting event in Sonkaharvi, in central Finland. This sporting contest is the answer to every man who has ever complained to his wife, “to get off my back.” If he and she want to be declared champions she’d better not get off his back. Even though this annual sporting adventure has never attracted the attention of Fox Sports or ESPN – countries like Estonia consider it as important as the Olympics or the World Cup. But, Estonians consider their annual “Farting Contest” a big deal, also. Their National Bird is a goat!

The contestants raced a 250-meter track. Complete with pools and hurdles, with the men running or walking and carrying the women on their backs. Some couples have been disqualified for using crazy glue in order to keep the woman from falling off. Uusorg, 26, finished in 56.9 seconds, a world record, while Kullas, 19, clung to his back upside down with her legs around his neck. I love to watch this in slow-mo. They beat Uusorg’s brother Madis by 3 seconds.

“I was a bit nervous before the start, but while I started running it felt fine,” Margo Uusorg said after the race. “I wanted to jump over the hurdles, but I was afraid I might fall and get penalty seconds.” He has declared that this, his 5th championship might be his last. Event organizers are not sure he’s serious or trying to pull a Barbra Streisand “absolutely final – this time I mean it” annual farewell concert tour.

We should all wait with baited-breath for next year’s wife-carrying Championship. Will Margo compete or pass “the wife” onto his brother Madis.
The winning Estonians were awarded a Finnish laptop computer and Kullas’ weight, 49 kilograms, in beer. In that part of the world 49 kilograms of beer is equal to Tiger Wood’s Nike sponsorship.
I just might enter next year’s wife-carrying championship if I can find a willing anorexic like Karen Carpenter to chuck over my shoulders.