FEMA CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES.

“Chutzpah” is a Yiddish word that means impudence and brass. As an example I point to George W. Bush swearing to uphold the constitution – and then doing what he’s been doing as President.

FEMA – the Federal Emergency Management Agency became infamous with their total screw-up after Hurricane Katrina. They became the federal poster boy for incompetence and stupidity. Hoping them to come to Americans aide during a disaster would be like buying a “Parenting Book” by Britney Spears.

But surprise of surprises during the recent horrendous fires in Southern California FEMA actually got their act together and did very good work helping those whose homes were destroyed. FEMA took bows and deserved it for their quick action. You’d think an Agency that overcame some of the bad publicity would learn a few things about public relations.

I guess they can’t help themselves…once a fuck-up always a fuck-up. They decided to hold a press conference to explain the differences between the San Diego fires and New Orleans. Great idea to get your message out. One problem, FEMA's press conference didn't invite any reporters to it. It was the first press conference ever with no press. The questions were read by employees of FEMA and the spokesperson had the supposed 'questions' before him and his answers were written out before hand. It turns out the press conference was a total phony – it was a set-up and engineered by FEMA management. When the truth came out there were lots of embarrassed red faces all around.

The simple question is why would they spoil real accomplishments by putting out a fake press conference? Could their idiocy be genetic? The White House and the rest of the executive were caught unaware by this cheap stunt. In one fell-swoop FEMA reverted to once again becoming a laughing stock. Does the words "Way to go Brownie" ring a bell?

GRITS AND BEAR IT.

Some degenerates will do anything for money. They have no shame or morals. I can think of a few that boggle the mind. Members of the Brittney Spears fan club; the guy who still won’t give up his franchise in Nehru Jackets and the lowest of the low – any theatrical agent.

The reason I am so exercised about people wasting their time doing stupid, inconsequential things is that if they put that energy and effort into something worthwhile like shaving all the mustaches off Italian women - the world would be a better place.

Many readers know my opinion of the south and the retards that live there. If we combined all their I.Q.’s…add them together and divide by 12 it wouldn’t add up to the inseam measurement of a dwarf. Think I’m being too hard on southerners? – read on McDuff. Bossier City, Louisiana just held the first World’s Grits Eating Championship. The town’s only other claim to fame was when it’s Mayor tried to get into the Guinness Book by dancing the Samba non-stop with a porcupine.

Have you ever seen a grit? Tried to talk to one? Grits are dried ground corn that is cooked back into mush or the soupy consistency. It is a Southern staple…eaten for breakfast with butter or even sugar. Sometimes it’s chilled and then fried in slices. A few people have used grits to stucco their homes with. What does it taste like? A very old, soiled and smelly sweat sock. Why anyone would agree to enter a Grits Eating Contest unless it was their ticket out of the death chamber is beyond moi. The real reason is that the town or some inmate at the local “Home for the Silly” – put up a prize of $4,000 to the winner.
Nine contestants entered the contest. A few were wearing jackets whose sleeves tied in the back.

The winner of the Bossier City Grits Eating Contest gagged down 21 pounds of the goop in 10 minutes. His funeral was held the next day. Our government could close down GitMo tomorrow if they threatened the so-called terrorists with a diet of Grits only unless they come clean. They probably would – but I can’t speak for their underwear.

I REFUSE TO LAYOVER.

Those of you who know the Geezer – no, not biblically, ninny – although Lord knows there are thousands of them……….I get crazy when people don’t see the forest for the trees…put the cart before the horse….throw the baby out with the bath water….is that enough clichés for you?

The Airport Association – a little known and rightly so – trade group just put out a senseless report about passenger’s favorite ‘layover’ airports. They didn’t explain why the passengers they spoke to had to ‘lay over’ at the airports? Was it their choice? I doubt it. They were probably stuck at some cavernous terminal because their goddamn flight was cancelled or screwed up in some manner. No one happily stays at airports on lay-overs unless they happen to have lost their minds. Many of them tripped and hit their heads on a dinner mint and have never been the same.

Can you imagine sitting on a hard airport bench -- angry because you’re forced to layover and answering a survey by some industry hack? I’d rather be forced to look at nudes of Nancy Grace. Nah, maybe a three day layover would be easier to stomach. Here are some of the positive things passengers had to say about various airports.

Singapore’s Chang Airport offers layover passengers bus tours of the city; napping pods; a free movie theater and a swimming pool. However, if you chew gum at the airport they will take you out and beat you with a whip!

In Copenhagen the airport features good restaurants, nice shopping. Also, nap rooms and showers and a tanning booth.

Honolulu: showers – equipped with curling irons, blow-dryers and toiletries. Thankfully, no Don Ho recordings.

Amsterdam’s Schiphol has a small hotel that you can use.

Who cares?

The only thing I want and expect when I book a flight and arrive at the airport is that the flights will be on time arriving and departing. That there are enough service personnel behind the counters to take care of the passengers; that the airport keeps passengers informed about delays and problems. That they stop the annoying announcements about unattended luggage…the damn 9-11 terrorists didn’t leave any luggage laying around, did they?

The Geezer doesn’t care if an airport has a clothing optional miniature golf course…..I expect the airline industry to get its act together and operate efficiently.