A SIGN OF THE TIMES....

Whoever said the word is mightier than the sword never saw Kill Bill 1 and 2. However, there is a long tradition of ‘sayings’ used by people to get a point across. Years ago one the most popular was signs, saying, “Actors are not wanted or allowed in here.” That wasn’t seen in the window of some boarding house – it’s tacked on the front door of the Screen Actors Guild.

We’ve all seen western movies in which towns placed large wooden signs warning bad elements to, “be out of town by sundown.” When a dumb Alaskan town put one up the bad element stayed six months. Throughout history town elders have used written warnings to get a point across and if it was ignored the local Doc Holliday took care of the problem. Some inner-city citizens have taken the practice up trying to rid their neighborhoods or drug dealers. They put up signs, “Move two blocks over and you can sell your brains out, Bro.”

Instead of paying some high priced public relations firm to come up with clever campaign to boost his town, borough president Marty Markowitz of Brooklyn had the chutzpah to plug his great borough in a totally inventive way. He wants Brooklyn citizens and visitors to know they are leaving or entering a very special place.

Brooklyn, New York is famous for The Brooklyn Dodgers – who left in the late 50’s moving to Los Angeles…a day that will live in infamy. It’s also famous for the unsurpassed Nathan’s Hot Dog stand in Coney Island. It was also proud of a group of young men in the 1930 and 1940’s with a special talent – killing. Murder Incorporated was their nickname. Death was their game.

Marty Markowitz is a unique politician. He truly loves his home town. He started putting up signs at every entrance into Brooklyn praising the borough. “Not Just A Borough, An Experience”; “Name It…We Got It”; “Like No Other Place in the World”; “Believe the Hype.” All clever, attention getting and wonderful publicity. Not wanting to rest on is past laurels, Markowitz approached the Department of Transportation about a new sign in January 2004. He was rebuffed because the agency felt the new sign would be distracting to motorists. Borough President Markowitz refused to accept their decision. He’s a determined fellow which is probably why he still lives in Brooklyn. He began calling in political chits and after “revisiting” the issue, the DOT allowed the sign to go up two weeks ago. Marty said, “He was thrilled.”

Now motorists crossing the Williamsburg Bridge into Manhattan are faced with a huge sign, affixed to a cross beam of the bridge high above the bustling traffic that says, “Leaving Brooklyn? Oy Vey!” It’s a sweet victory for the politician whose borough is home to a large Jewish population. “Oy Vey,” is an original Jewish “expression of dismay or hurt,” said Marty. “The beauty is, every ethnic group knows it,” he said, and motorists seeing it know it means “Dear me, I’m so sad you’re leaving.”

When asked if the “Oy Vey: sign will stay up indefinitely? Markowitz smiled and said, “I think these things are up to the discretion of the borough president,” managing to sneak in a plug for his re-election bid.

His opponent, Seamus O’Reilly has blasted Markowitz saying he’s using his Jewishness unfairly. He also protested that Marty was behaving like a “putz”; “a schmuck”; “a Tokis leker”; and a “Mamzer.”

EVERY VOTE COUNTS.

As anyone with a functioning brain knows – politics is a dirty game. Political parties and candidates running for office will do anything to win an election. Once they win the election they will do anything to stay in power. When most office-holders are sworn in they should wear latex gloves while holding the bible so not to leave fingerprints. When they are asked to swear to uphold the constitution or by-laws, instead of saying, “I do.” They should really say, “Can I get back to you on that.” Or, at least cross their fingers behind their backs when being sworn in.

History is replete with cases of stolen elections, stuffed ballot boxes, people voting more than once, voters who have been dead for years showing up at polling places and blatant intimidation by political bosses. Sadly these things happen more often than not. Could anyone imagine forty-years ago that a Presidential election would be decided by a politically motivated Supreme Court? Is it any wonder that many good and honorable candidates choose not to make a career of politics? It’s a dirty business and getting worse.

All politicians love the sound of their voices. They can and do talk ad nauseam at the drop of a special interest’s hat. Most of it is blather. Have you ever watched a Senate hearing on C-Span? Senators puff themselves up and tell some witness that they just have a few questions they want answered….then proceed to make speeches instead of asking a single question. I know how to stop this practice – when a Senator begins babbling one of their staff should stand up and hit them upside the head with a pig bladder.

It’s always fun to hear about politicians and political parties who have their chains yanked by a voter. Those folks have no humor and take great umbrage when they’re made to look like the fools they are. That just happened in Wellington, New Zealand. New Zealand was never thought of as a hotbed of practical jokers. The country is in the midst of a hotly contested election. The ruling Labour Party (they spell things funnily in New Zealand) holds a one-seat, election-night majority over the opposition National Party pending coalition talks and the counting of absentee ballots, but neither of the major parties has an outright majority. The third leading party – The Sheep Party’s only comment was, “Baaaaaaaaaaa.”

This tight election may be decided by one voter. That’s what’s got the Electoral Enrollment Center upset. The New Zealand Electoral Enrollment Center is about as competent as FEMA has been recently. Here’s the whole story:

Peter Rhodes of Queenstown decided to register his best friend Toby to vote in the national election. Toby had never voted before in any election. It was almost inevitable that New Zealand’s election would turn into a dog fight when you look at one of the country’s 2.83 million voters – Toby the Jack Russell terrier.

Toby became a registered voter after Peter Rhodes completed an enrollment form in the dog’s name, giving his occupation as “rodent exterminator” and his age as 28. Rhodes signed the form with a squiggle and Toby’s paw print before returning it to the Electoral Enrollment Center. Little did Peter realize that Toby could be the one deciding who New Zealand’s Prime Minister would be.

Rhodes, an aviation safety specialist said he was trying to make a humorous point about local government bureaucracy and was shocked to receive written confirmation of Toby’s enrollment in the electorate on New Zealand’s South Island.
Voting is not compulsory in New Zealand and Rhodes said Toby had elected not to vote. “The only roll he’s interested in is a dog roll and the occasional juicy rat.”

It’s nice to know that even in New Zealand politicians has no sense of humor. Electoral Enrollment Center manager Murray Wicks was more angry than amused that an application filed by a dog had slipped through the center’s checking system. “It’s an offense, and whoever’s done it will be in the hands of the police,” he said. Wicks said Rhodes could be charged with misleading a registrar of elections, making a fraudulent enrollment and making a false declaration.

I somehow feel that if dogs were allowed to vote, guys like Tom Delay would never have been elected.

FLY THE UNFRIENDLY SKIES....

We all have recent airline horror stories. It seems the friendly skies aren’t, anymore. Airline delays are standard, break-downs in equipment usual, and you’d find better, friendlier service on death row. None of these inconveniences seemed to happen before airline deregulation.

Airlines tried their best to make customers comfortable and the service was exceptional. Remember the days of the beautiful stewardess’ offering you ‘coffee, tea or me?” That no longer is the case. It’s also politically incorrect to call them stewardesses anymore. They are now called flight attendants. It used to be a sought after profession by many attractive females. Nowadays, too many ‘flight attendants’ look like Mrs. Quasimodo. If I wanted to spend hours being bothered by an ugly, annoying female I could stay home with my wife…or girlfriend. Where was I? Oh, the problems with airlines today……

Some of the more interesting airline goof-ups that I’ve heard about recently are: windows in the cockpit left open and the plane unable to take-off. You’d think the pilot or co-pilot would have noticed the open window because the pages of Playboy that they were probably reading would have fluttered; a budget airline that is so cheap it doesn’t show movies…a flight attendant walks up the aisle and show pictures of her Chihuahua; airline food is so bad that buzzards would ask for the check; airlines continually overbook flights and there’s a even money chance you will be bumped even though you hold a ticket. To make things right, many airlines offer you a free one way ticket to places like: Nova Scotia (but only in the month of December); New Orleans (during a stage 5 hurricane); White Fish, Montana – during its forest fire season; and the ever popular Kamloops, British Columbia – during grizzly bear mating season.

While we’re on the subject of inefficient, airlines…have you ever flown on Philippine Airline? Did you know there was a Philippine Airline? Trust me it will never make Sabina, KLM, or Lufthansa shake in their cockpits. Like most of you I thought the only means of transport in the Philippines was by sampan, donkey or riding in one of Imelda Marcos’ shoes.

It seems that Philippine Airlines is always plagued with problems. Its chief pilot actually has 2-1/2 hours of flight training. Its head mechanic was fired by Mr. Good-Wrench. Its control tower at Manila airport can’t afford a state-of-the-art computer system but they’ve hired someone with very good eyes. ‘nough said?

One of their planes was preparing for take-off from manila airport earlier this week when a crew member spotted a mouse scampering across an aisle in the economy section. The mice in the first class section wear monocles. 250 passengers were ordered to disembark while maintenance staff fumigated the plane and laid traps for the fury un-welcomed visitor. The airline brass decided using a bazooka to catch “Mickey” would be overkill.

After waiting 13 hours the mouse was nowhere to be found on board, dead or alive. The flight finally took off and I’m sure the slightly nauseated passengers sat in their seats waiting for the dreaded “snap” of one of the mouse-traps…just to lighten up things. “There was an incident before with a cockroach, but it’s the first time that we had to deal with a mouse,” airport operations chief, Octavio Linda said.

Don’t know about you, but Philippine Airlines is the only way to fly – just be sure to carry some cheddar cheese with you when you do.

LAW AND DISORDER.....

I consider myself an expert on the law. Why you ask? I’ve been an avid viewer of all the great law shows on television. As everyone knows television only tells the truth – just ask Bill O’Reilly. Perry Mason, Matlock, Law and Order, Boston Legal, Court TV…hell, I know as much about the law as Clarence Thomas who restricted his viewing to porno flicks. I’ll take Raymond Burr over Linda Lovelace anytime….well, maybe not………

Most people are fascinated by trials and their outcome. It’s drama at its highest. Books, plays, movies that take place in courtrooms are always successful. Who will ever forget the move, “The Bad New Bears Sue The Shit Out Of The Vatican”? All of us interested in trials are sure that we’d catch on as some smartass defense lawyer tried to pull the wool over our eyes. We’d never allow s politically ambitious and ruthless prosecutor to get away with underhanded tricks in order to convict an innocent person. Most of us would make sure that an idiot like Judge Ito never got away with his incompetence. We’d be the arbiter of seeing that everyone got a fair, unprejudiced trial. It’s in that spirit that most of us do anything to get out of serving on juries. “Hey, for 8-bucks a day who cares if they hang the innocent bum.” Justice is one thing….a reasonable pay day is another. It’s the American way.

Seriously, don’t all of us want to see that justice is honestly carried out despite a defendant’s race, gender, politics, religion, financial situation, background….and height? Most Americans want justice to be applied evenly and fairly no matter whom is on trial. All defendants should be tried before a jury of their peers – in the case of Michael Jackson that was a tad difficult since a jury of ‘his peers’ could only be found on Jupiter.

My interest has been peaked by a West Chester, Pa., trial about to begin. A defense attorney asked a judge to bar any references to his client’s nickname in his upcoming murder trial, saying juror’s might think someone called “Scuz” is, well, scuzzy. Obviously this attorney didn’t get his law degree from some phony school in Granada. He’s too sharp for that. Truth be known he found his law school on a matchbook cover.

Demetrius “Scuz” Fiorentino, 31, is charged with the April 2004 shooting death of Joel “Wellz” Taylor, 19, during a botched drug deal in a crack house. Obviously, the court is dealing with some classy people in this trail. It seems everyone has a nickname including Judge Phyllis “Boom-Boom” Streitel. The judge didn’t get her nickname because she plays the drums…if you get my point.

In his request to the judge, defense counsel Laurence “Perjury” Harmelin cited the dictionary definition of scuzzball as “an unpleasant, dirty or dangerous person; creep” and skuzzy as “dirty, shabby or foul in condition or nature.” Seems like an open and shut case. But, Assistant District Attorney Lorriane “Melons” Finnegan said it would be nearly impossible for witnesses to identify the defendant without using his nickname. “All of these witnesses are going to have to call him by the name they know,” she said. “We’re not calling him a scuzzball or skuzzy….Its ‘Scuz’ because that’s his nickname.” Pretty shaky argument if you ask me. Why can’t the witnesses call him ‘prick’ or ‘fuckface’ instead?

Harmelin also asked to have the trial moved out of Chester County, citing publicity surrounding the case. “Melons” wants the case to stay in the county. The judge did not immediately rule on the requests. Don’t know about you but I will be awaiting her ruling in “Scuz” Fiorentino’s capital murder trial. I'll be sitting in my E-Z-Boy with a brewsky in one hand and a gavel in the other watching it on Court-TV.

THINK BEFORE YOU THROW IT OUT.

Don’t you just love the Antique Roadshow? Ordinary men and women schlep old pieces of furniture, paintings, jewelry, family heirlooms to the Roadshow to have them evaluated by antique experts. It’s really a blast to watch some over-weight bozo stand there as some over-dressed expert tells him that the wooden bucket in which he kept is dirty jockey shorts is worth tens of thousands of dollars. It’s also fun to see the anger on the face of a person who is convinced that the number painting she bought at some garage sale and ‘just knows’ was painted by some Master – is a fake and isn’t worth spit. I guess the only thing sure about this entertaining TV series is the bottom line for all the people getting hernias bringing their items in, is pure greed. You can see it on their faces. Pissed when they find that their object isn’t worth much and conversely overjoyed when told the useless, dust catcher they wanted to throw out is worth 7-figures. ‘Ain’t greed a grand thing?

I never understood why people buy and keep things they ordinarily wouldn’t give a second thought to. I guess they do, hoping that it might be valuable and they’ll come into a windfall. Be honest, don’t you have things in the house that you haven’t looked at for years and for some sick reason won’t dump? It’s like we’re all squirrels saving nuts for that rainy day. “Spring-cleaning” is not something most of us practice. I have one stinking shoelace…it’s too long and unraveling that I’ve kept in a drawer and refuse to throw out. When will I ever need one shoelace? A red-shoelace, at that? I don’t even own a pair of lace-up shoes. It’s sick.

How many of you have an undershirt that you can’t part with? Seriously. If someone in your family kept a ratty undershirt for years and years wouldn’t you consider committing them? Not so fast, buster. Sotheby’s auction house thinks that just such an undershirt will probably fetch some where between $500,000 and $900,000. Don’t know about you but I’m going through my underwear drawer and putting everything in a safe deposit box. Who know, maybe those slightly stained boxer shorts with Sponge Bob on them could be worth millions.

This beige undershirt, with an “N” embroidered inside the neck and its right sleeve cut short, is expected to bring in over half-a-million pounds next month in London. Why would anybody want to pay tuppence for an old, smelly undershirt? The darn thing only had one sleeve. Gotta figure it’s not gonna do anyone any good unless he’s Wingy Mannone. Turns out it belonged to Adm. Horatio Nelson – the one-armed British war hero. The undershirt is possibly the only piece of the British war hero’s clothing still in private hands….or hand.

Other Nelson relics and rare letters, including a 10-page letter to his mistress Emma Hamilton – yes, Horatio may have had one arm but seems he was a raunchy old devil. Emma rarely asked him to scratch her back. All the Nelson items will be placed on the auction block as part of a collection celebrating the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar. Seems that even though Nelson won most of his naval battles he didn’t come away unscathed. He not only lost his right arm but one-eye in battle. Body parts dropped off the poor guy like hub caps off a ’54 Chevy.

He became a national hero in England after repelling the French and the Spanish in the legendary battle that ended Napoleon’s chances of crossing the English Channel. It can be said he beat Napoleon with one arm tied behind his back. “Anyone who beats the French usually goes down well,” said Michael Grist, the Sotheby’s expert in charge of the sale. The same could be said by most Americans. “In one battle, in one day, he literally saved England. And that’s the reason he’s atop a statue in Trafalgar Square playing poop-catcher for pigeons.

Let’s have a wonderful round of applaud for Horatio Nelson.

YOU'RE A DIRTY FRIM-FRACKING-FRINGA.....

A combination of religious zealots and right-wing conservatives have been pressuring the United States Senate to do something about the vulgarity on our airwaves. It doesn’t take much to pressure Senators – a five dollar bill waved in front of them usually works. The proposed legislation is supposed to sharply increase the penalty for obscenity on the air. As a lover of the TV series “Deadwood”, on HBO, which has made “c**ck sucker” into an art form, I want the feds to butt out. By raising the fines that would be levied against broadcasters to about $500,000 per crudity broadcast, and by threatening to revoke the licenses of repeat offender, the Senate seeks to return the gentler tenor of yesteryear in radio and television. Obviously Howard Stern wouldn’t make it through one of his shows without going bankrupt. It would also mean that any stand-up comic working on television would have to become a mime.

These conservative stick-in-the-muds have forgotten that no one holds a 457-Magnum to a listener’s head to make them tune into one of these obnoxious jocks. If they don’t like what they hear, turn off the station. If the Senate really wants to get after slimy, disreputable people how about looking into Televangelists who promise their audiences salvation if they only send in their life’s savings to the faker standing behind the pulpit? Talk about shameless crude and disgusting men and women….give me George Carlin any day than the very Reverend Billy-Bob Blowhard….who preys on the less fortunate.

Cursing and swearing is a human universal. Every language, dialect ever studied, living or dead, spoken by millions or by a small tribe, turns out to have its share of forbidden speech. Even the Good Book abounds in naughty passages like the men in II Kings 18:27 who, as the comparatively tame King James translation puts it, “eat their own dung and drink their own piss.” This passage was followed by, “take my wife pray thee.” During the Last Supper the bible claims that Judas constantly farted, was a cheap prick that never left a tip. It seems people have always cursed even back to mankind’s earliest writings, which date from 5,000 years ago, include their share of off-color descriptions of the human form and its ever-colorful functions. “If you want a good time call Yetta the wolf-girl on her cellular rock.”

Yet as much as bad language can deliver a jolt, it can help wash away stress and anger. “Studies show that if you’re with a group of close friends, the more relaxed you are, the more you swear,” Dr. Kate Burridge, a professor of linguistics said. “It’s a way of saying: “I’m so comfortable here I can let down my hair (apparently Sampson was fooled by this) and I can say whatever I like.” Dirty talk can even be traced to the Garden of Eden when Eve offered Adam the apple. “Screw the apple bitch I want some nookey.”

Evidence also suggests that cursing can be an effective means of venting aggression and forestalling physical violence. Chimpanzees often engaged in what appears to be a kind of cursing match as a means of venting aggression and avoiding a potentially dangerous physical clash. Of course, it helps if you understand monkeyeese. “A chimp who is really gearing up for a fight doesn’t waste time with gestures or grunts, but goes ahead and attacks,” Frans de Waal, a professor of primate behavior in Atlanta. The only known exception to this was observed in my first wife “Cheetah” who insisted that a well placed banana shoved into an orifice quickly settled any dispute between us.

What do all these studies prove? That crude talk by some publicity seeking hairy radio jock isn’t important or serious enough to warrant the Senate interfering in our right of free speech. Howard Stern or Chris Rock can’t say anything more shocking than the lies coming from Washington. We can turn them off but sadly can’t do the same with incompetent politicians.

DON'T TOUCH MY PUPPY!

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with Katrina and Rita acting like ghetto Hos battling over Bill Gates’ money belt; an un-winnable war costing billions of dollars and thousands of unnecessary casualties; an economy weaker than a month old teabag; a gallon of gasoline costing as much as a sewer cover coated in Beluga caviar…a new deadly strain of flu has been discovered in 7 states.

It’s a lot worse than the Asian and Hong Kong flu epidemics that hit us each year. It’s possibly more deadly than SARS or Mad Cow disease but scientist aren’t sure since all the mad, or slightly angry cows, haven’t been tested yet. A few pissed off “Moo-cows” have refused to report for utter tests and the commissioner is investigating. Possible suspensions for two games have been threatened.

This new illness is closely related to an equine flu strain. It’s like a first cousin, on your mother’s side, to the H5N1 avian flu that has killed over 100 people in Asia. With the approach of the human flu season and fears about bird flu from Asia many doctors are in a dither…which are uglier than scrubs.

This diabolical illness hasn’t attacked humans yet but scientists aren’t ruling that possibility out. It has chosen to assault the most precious among us – our little furry friends are in danger...not an Italian girlfriend...but little Mookie, Maidel and Fifi-Fifi. Our puppies and doggies.

This new-highly contagious and often deadly canine flu is spreading in kennels and at dog tracks around the country, veterinarians said this week. Immunologists believe the virus mutated from an influenza strain that affects horses and has killed racing greyhounds in seven states and has been found in shelters and pet shops across the country. The extent of its spread is unknown. Veterinarians said it spread most easily where dogs were housed together but that it could also be passed on the street, in dog runs or even by human transferring it from one dog to another. Kennel workers have carried the virus home with them usually in brightly colored gift boxes. As Charlie Callas used to say, “Beware of a stranger bearing brightly colored gifts or an Uzi.”

How many dogs die from the virus is unclear, but scientists said the fatality rate is more than 1% and could be as high as 10% among puppies and older dogs. “This is a newly emerging pathogen,” said one doctor, “and we have very little information to make predictions about it.” This doctor used to work at FEMA before Katrina.

“The hysteria out there is unbelievable, and the misinformation is incredible,” said Dr. Ann E. Hohenhaus, chief of medicine at the animal Medical Center in New York. Dr. Hohenhaus said she heard of an alert from a Virginia dog club reporting rumors that 10,000 show dogs had died. “We don’t believe that’s true,” she said, adding that no dogs in her Manhattan hospital even had coughs…but a few complained about tennis elbow.

Other skeptical veterinarians point out that many afflicted dogs have high fever, very high white blood cell counts and runny noses which force them to carry Kleenex tissues in their mouths.

If this dog flu should spread to humans the doctors warn of the following symptoms: if you find yourself, or any member of your family, with an uncontrollable urge to chase a Frisbee; making circles before you sit down; and insist on sniffing your mate or friends ass before shaking hands you probably have contracted this dread disease.

NO LIP-LOCKING IN BOMBAY.....

India is a strange country. It’s famous for diaper wearing Mahatma Gandhi, beautiful Temples, and Cattle roaming free in the streets because they are considered sacred unlike the poor untouchables…who most Indians won’t touch with a ten-foot Pole…named Ivan. India has a strict caste system which makes the pre-civil war south look downright liberal. Most Indians look and sound like Sabu to me. If you don’t know who Sabu was – start watching old movies.

India's famous for its hot food especially Curry which can blow a hole through the top of your head. It’s also famous for its women who wear colorful dots on their foreheads. Many Americas wonder why the women wear these dots and the answer is that most Indian women are very homely….looking like something you might find swimming in an aquarium. From the day they are born, these females are regularly told by men – fathers, brothers, boyfriends and husbands…that they are ugly as sin. The men keep tapping them on their foreheads saying things like, “You are uglier than cow taking a dump.” This constant tapping of the forehead causes those dots.

In the past few years India has become a very wealthy country because of outsourcing of jobs from America, Britain, France and Germany. Today, if you call an 800-number trying to get your credit card company, or a reservation on an airline or hotel there’s a good chance you will be talking to someone living in Bombay or New Delhi. India’s population is very educated and since wages are a lot lower than large western countries – most of the largest corporations have outsourced these jobs to India.

The latest flap over India occurred the other day when an Israeli couple was fined 1,000 rupees after an Indian court found them guilty of obscenity for kissing during their marriage ceremony in a Hindu temple. The couple had decided to have a traditional Hindu marriage while visiting Pushkar town in the temple-studded desert state of Rajasthan. The obvious question is why would any Israeli couple get married in a Hindu temple? I guess no Rabbi was available or a Kosher catering company. You can’t find a good plate of curry tzimmis in all of India.

The Israeli bride and groom infuriated the priest as they started to kiss and embrace while he was chanting vedic hymns. The priest, along with other Hindu holy men, complained to police, who filed charges against the couple. The court in Pushkar gave its guilty verdict. There was no Judge Judy to appeal to. Obviously the “hot to trot” Israeli couple didn’t know the customs and outraged the town’s religious leaders. “We will not tolerate any cultural pollution of this sort,” Ladoo Ram Sharma, president of an organization of Hindu priests in Pushkar said. I guess India hasn’t culturally progressed much since independence and if kissing is a punishable offense – imagine what they’d do to anyone giving a hickey?

Pushkar has a famous temple dedicated to Brahma – the Hindu god of creation – and is popular with foreign tourists who come for its desert ambience, camel safaris and annual camel races. Most Indian women don’t have to worry about being kissed since they look worse than the camels.

India has tough obscenity laws and kissing in public is frowned upon in the largely conservative country. The Israeli couple’s defense was that like most Jewish marriages they’d probably never kiss again after the ceremony.

I don’t know about you but next time I call an 800-number I’m going to make “kissing-face” sounds to the operator.

A DUBIOUS HONOR!

Celebrities have a pretty good life. Interesting work for which they make lots of money. Possibly not as much as an energetic hooker in Beverly Hills but damn close. Most have multiple houses in fantastic resorts, have millions of fans who live vicariously through their favorite stars existence, are generally pampered by agents, managers, publicity agents, studios, networks and staff. It’s fair to say that almost any average man or woman would give anything to be a celebrity. Sure there are some negative aspects to being famous – lack of privacy and being hounded by stalkers and paparazzi…but hell it’s a small sacrifice to pay for all the benefits they get. Even the reclusive Madame De Pompadour admitted that being famous was better than getting kicked in the gonads.

During the past many years some of the ways celebs have been honored is by having a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; their hand-prints in cement at tourist popular Grauman’s Chinese Theater (Peg Leg Bates only had one footprint and a peg) but it was the thought that counts, Schools are named after many celebrities especially in their home towns eg: the Kookie Burns High School in Bipus, Indiana, but the ultimate prize is having a dish or sandwich named after them. If a star has a food named after him or her, career-wise it’s more important than an Oscar, Emmy, Tony or weed-whacker. Imagine how thrilling it is for a fan in an overpriced New York deli to order a “Don Ameche” – chopped liver on rye with onion and cole slaw; a “Sam Levenson” – schmaltz herring on pumpernickel with tomato and hard boiled egg; a “Faye Emerson” – two large melons; or a “Pat Boone” – two pieces of white bread and mayo.

Bill Clinton has just been notified that he was chosen for a new honor. His face and name will not appear on a stamp or an aircraft carrier or on Mt. Rushmore -- this special, singular honor has never been given to any celebrity before. China has jumped into this celebrity honoring craze. A Beijing rubber company has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky. This is an obviously blatant exploitation the White House affair that led to the impeachment of America’s 42nd president. One can only imagine how thrilled Bill Clinton must be to have a scum bag named after him. Rumor has it that Ms. Lewinsky didn’t know what a condom was.

Spokesman Liu Wenhua of the Guangzhou Rubber Company said the company was handing out 100,000 free Clinton and Lewinsky condoms as part of a promotion to raise consumer awareness if its new products. He said that after the promotion ends, the Clinton condoms will go on sale in southern China for $3.72 for a box of 12, while the Lewinsky model will be priced at $2.35 for the same box. Militant Women’s Rights Groups in America are up in arms about the disparity in cost. “Hey, dude, Monica’s baggie is equally as valuable as Hillary’s pimp.”

“The Clinton condom will be the top of our line,” he said. “The Lewinsky condom is not quite as good.” Huh? What’s wrong with it? Does it have holes in it? Was it a previously owned condom? Not a very cool sales pitch Charlie Chan.

It should be noted that they are considering merchandising a Chairman Mao condom which will be packaged in a little red book. Liu said the company had chosen to use the Clinton name because consumers viewed the former president as a responsible person, who would want to stress safe sex. He also admitted that Clinton and Lewinsky weren’t consulted about this dubious “honor.” There is no word about a royalty being paid to either one or whether their picture will be on each condom.

Senator Hillary Clinton, who is being bandied about as a possible Democratic candidate for President in ’08, only comment when she heard the news was, “Damn fucking chinks…hope they eat poisoned egg rolls and die.” Bill Clinton was said to be disappointed that a cigar wasn’t named after Monica and him.

SHOULDA-WOULDA-COULDA......

Are you one of those “shoulda-woulda-coulda” type people? Everyone knows a few of them. Men and women who go through life second guessing themselves and wondering what it would have been like if only they made different choices. These folks don’t see the glass as half full or have empty – they know their glass is a dribble glass and the water’s going to spill all over them.

“If only I had listened to my mother and not married Ben. She said he was too short for me and would always be a bum.” “Why the hell didn’t I leave when I had the chance? I’ve been working here for thirty-five years and what do I have to show for it? A Bentley coupe, a condo in Palm Beach, membership at the finest clubs in the world, my face on the cover of Time magazine, off-shore bank accounts, my own private jet…what does it all mean? If only I had quit and joined that traveling Mime group.” “Never should have married that circus geek. Who cares that she could play “Feelings” on the comb and tissue paper?”

Well, for all you “shoulda-woulda-coulda” types there is hope. Most people glance at their horoscopes once in a while. We love to be amazed when they seem to describe us to a “T” and totally ignore them when they don’t pertain to us at all. A horoscope Web-site published a list of zodiac signs, along with their characteristic personality traits but with an added plus: it also lists suggestions for career options that best fit the ‘signs’ astrological profiles. In other words you can stop worrying about what to do with your life or your kid’s choice of career. It’s been done for you. The head of this web-site guarantees the results….just because he wears an aluminum hat and likes to talk to Department store mannequins doesn’t mean he should be ignored.

Ready?

Aries (March 21-April 19) - You are enthusiastic, alert, outspoken, ambitious and creative. A career as a Monk would be a good choice. Because you are a strong, natural leader, also…becoming a sheep might also serve you well.

Taurus (April 21-May 20) – A Taurus is practical, methodical, determined, honest, dependable and a good team player. Look to the fields of being a serial killer or even worse an Amway salesperson.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21) – You are very optimistic, inquisitive, intelligent and full of energy. You need a vocation that keeps your interest piqued and keeps you going. Consider becoming a manic/depressive or a mattress.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – Cancers are imaginative, dramatic, philosophical, nurturing and protective. You’re best at dispensing advice, so consider becoming a blackboard eraser or lifeguard who can’t swim.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You are spontaneous, gregarious and born to lead with a true lust for power. These magnificent qualities make Leos good grave diggers and Brussels sprouts salesman.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Precise, witty, cheerful and neat – all describe you. Virgos make fabulous dead people or live chickens.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Libras are very diplomatic, charming, sociable, easy-going with a knack of languages. Have you ever considered being a hangman or lima bean? They are perfect career options for Libras.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – You are penetratingly intuitive, intelligent, analytical and resourceful. Because you like to solve mysteries, consider becoming a hand puppet named Murray or an eye-patch.

Sagittarius (Nov 11 – Dec 21) – Sagittarians have a positive attitude, boundless energy, love to travel and a strong spiritual side. Have you thought about becoming an egg or shoestring?

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – You are rock solid, dependable, highly-organized, logical and clever. You’d make a terrific hysteric or embroiderer.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Aquarians are intelligent, original, progressive and visionary. Choose a job like a bladder, piece of coal or a pirate.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) – Pisces are generous, sensitive, popular and artistic. You will do well as a reprobate or bayonet.

I trust that this information will be put to good use and you will never doubt your life choices again. Interestingly the head of the zodiac web-site hasn’t yet decided what his sign is. He’s a shoulda-woulda-coulda kind of guy.

A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

Dr. Khaded Zeitoun has proven once and for all that too many men are deceitful slugs and should be beaten around the head with baseball bats. Does that seem a tad harsh? After I tell you Zeitoun’s story you will grab a rosin bag, knock the dirt out of your spikes and get ready to swing.

This underhanded 46-year old doctor has set on-line dating back to the Stone Age. Many people who use on-line dating exaggerate or lie about themselves. I have dated women who post a picture of some gorgeous, young bombshell claiming that’s them. It’s dishonest but is part of the dating game. One woman in particular really shocked me when we met on our first date. Her photo showed a Kim Bassinger look-a-like and instead of Kim she looked more like Ernest Borgnine. I was buying drinks for “Marty.” I laughed and hit her a shot upside the head and left. No hard feelings. I should have been suspicious when her profile claimed that she loved ferrets and spoke fluent Urdu.

Dr. Zeitoun, a Manhattan fertility specialist is being sued by two women who say he broke their hearts after meeting them through an on-line dating service on which he pretended to be single. In their lawsuit the two women, Tiffany Wang and Jing Huang, accused him of pretending to be single and using mind games to entice them into sexual relationship with tales of past lives. Obviously the ladies are not too swift in the brains department – their combined IQ’s are single digits.

According to court papers, Zeitoun is married with three children. A boy, a girl and a “other”. Wang said he, “claimed that they had been married to each other in previous lives,” and added that the doctor told her he had mistreated her in that life and “searched for her in this lifetime to correct his past mistakes.” As Dr. Ruth would say, “Miss Wang is a nutcase and deserved what she got.” Don’t most people who are mistreated in a marriage want a second-go-around with the same schmuck? Obviously, Wang, uses too much MSG in her food.

In a separate suit filed earlier this year, Huang said she met the reproductive endocrinologist on-line. He fed her a similar story about being single and having been married to her in a previous life. Huang eventually realized he was cheating on her when he insisted on bringing other “previous wives” into their bed so everyone could get to know each other. She didn’t object to the other women in bed with her but couldn’t stand when Khaled kept calling them “tootsies.” In the small town in China where she was born a “tootsie” was considered an untouchable unless played by Dustin Hoffman.

Both women are seeking unspecified money damages for infliction of severe emotional distress “outside the boundaries of human decency and social norms.” The doctor readily admits that he told them he was single and had relationships with other women he met on the Internet. He also claimed that the picture of Tom Cruise that was posted on his profile was an accident and that he was never married to Cruise in a previous life. They dated but were never married.

There is a lesson to be learned in all this. If you sign up for one of these on-line dating services don’t believe a word anyone says…especially you. Sadly, I will be forced to take Tom Cruise’s photo off my profile and admit I was never married accept in a previous life. Does anyone know where I can get a picture of William Bendix?

PASS THE BREAD.....

Remember that old expression we are what we eat? It, of course, means different things to different people. Hannibal Lector might have taken it too far. But, let’s think about it. Many people consider dining on organs a gourmet experience. No, not the kind of organ you find in a church, ninny, organs like: kidneys, intestines, brains and in certain Arab countries – eyes and the occasional upper lip.

Scientists have different opinions about whether eating organs is good for you or dangerous. I can’t believe that eating an animal’s gall bladder or spleen can make you jump higher or yodel better. But, to each his own….

A fella living in Potharam, Thailand has taken this notion to the nth degree. 28-year old Kittiwat Unarrom – you remember old Kittiwat, don’t you? He once tried to mail himself to Jupiter but forgot to put down the correct zip code. Anyway, this young man is in love with ‘body parts.’ I’m sure his poor mother is shaking her head and saying, “Automobile parts I can understand but body parts?”

Inside a dark room, realistic-looking “human body parts” are stacked on shelves and hanging on meat hooks. The place looks like a mortuary from an old Vincent Price movie or the lair of a serial killer, but in fact, it’s a bakery. What appears to be putrefying body parts are the bread sculptures of this art student. Instead of working with clay, marble or granite like most artists Unarrom (which sounds like the noise a hot motorcycle makes) prefers to work with Wonder bread.

“Of course, people were shocked and thought that I was mad when they saw the works. But once they knew the idea behind it, they understood and became interested in the work itself, instead of thinking that I am crazy,” said the obviously loony fine arts master’s degree student. He hopes his realistic artwork will make people ponder whether they are consuming food, or food is consuming them. After uttering this nonsensical statement his brain should have been baked in a challah and used for Passover.

As an undergraduate art student, Kittiwat started painting portraits. He then moved to mixed media and finally to dough – a natural medium for him since his family runs a bakery. He even fooled around with bagels for a while but the police put a stop to that.

Along with edible human heads crafted from dough, chocolate, raisins and cashews, Kittiwat makes human arms, feet and chicken and pig parts. “Would anybody like to bite into this pig snout made out of the finest pumpernickel?” Art shmart this young man is out of his tree and should be the first in line for a frontal lobotomy.


Believe it or not he is now receiving regular orders from the curious and from pranksters who want to surprise their friends by presenting house-warming gifts like: a nose, ear, big toe, labium and badly mutilated skull…which can be smeared with butter or cream cheese.

By the end of the year his confectionary slaughterhouse will go on display at Bangkok’s Silpakorn University along with an MIR of Kittiwat’s pea brain. It’s his final dissertation, and he hopes it will secure him a Master of Arts Degree and a long prison sentence. Thailand has long had a problem with narcotics and it’s easy to speculate that young Unarrom inhaled too many balloons of dope.

“When people see the bread, they don’t want to eat it. But when they taste it, it’s just normal bread,” he said. “The lesson is don’t judge just by outer appearances.” I might also add don’t judge a real art student from a schmuck 28-year old cannibal in training.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR CROATIA.

Croatia is a country with a violent and troubled past. Actually it’s barely a country…it’s more like a coun……..since it didn’t become a country until 1998. It was part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire until shortly after the First World War. In fact, the assassination of Duke Ferdinand, (who stole his name from Duke Wayne)…caused that war. The Austro-Hungarian Empire was famous for two things: the Waltz and heart burn. Have you ever eaten a Hungarian meal? ‘Nough said.

After World War 1 the various peoples making up that part of the world fought with each other until being united as Yugoslavia in 1929. After the break-up of Yugoslavia fighting commenced again for 4 years until the U.N. partitioned the land into Bosnia, Croatia…and Oz. The citizens of that region have had more fights than any ten couples appearing on Divorce Court. It seems their favorite pastime is ethnically cleansing others in the region. However, that cleansing doesn’t carry over to their personal hygiene. Many depressed men and women have committed suicide by breathing next to a Croatian.

Croatia is a very poor country. The average household income is 26 cents per year. They don’t have a nationwide telephone system – citizens communicate by tin cans and string. The nation doesn’t have a national soccer team but it does have a national “raping and pillaging” team. The national bird is the buzzard and the national flower is the weed. We’re talking poor here.

However, they do have a national television network controlled by the government. Most of the programming is old black and white TV series from America. Gilligan’s Goulash is the top rated show followed by Have Poison Will Travel.

Along with the rest of the world, Croatians love reality shows. They have just launched a new reality show on the internet, starring…are you ready?....SHEEP instead of people. The program’s aim is to show that people who participate in reality TV “are made to look like sheep.” It’s the producer’s way of trying to be ironic and comical. Comedy is as rare in Croatia as soap is. The winner of the 10-day Stado (herd) show will receive poetry in its honor instead of money. Many American agents are trying to sign the winning sheep to an exclusive contract.
There’s talk of a hold-out and bonus negotiation.

Those sheep voted out of the seven-member herd each time might be eaten or sent on a suicide bombing mission to Bosnia. Hardly an incentive to appear on the program. The show can be followed 24 hours a day on Web site www.stado.org, where viewers can see how the sheep feed and interact with each other. The viewers can choose which sheep to vote out. Croatians love to condemn people or animals to death. To them it’s more fun than your average pogrom. The poor sheep crying hysterically and trying to climb over its neighbor is likely one of the losers.

“I am not an insensitive bastard who abuses animals. We called a vet for those sheep that were in poorer shape,” producer Sinisa Labrovic insists.

According to reliable sources the winning sheep will become the mistress of the President of Croatia.

LEAVE MAGGIE ALONE......

We have discussed this subject before. I’ve really had it up to here with this obsession about health and weight loss. It’s sick. Didn’t these health gurus ever go to a museum and admire the great painter Ruben’s work? He was famous for his rotund women? They were considered the beauties of that time. There wasn’t a Richard Simmons type leaping around and bugging them to lose weight. I guess the old adage, “beauty is only skin deep” had more meaning in those days even if it took a harpoon to get through their skin.

The latest outrage in this battle against weight is taking place in Anchorage, Alaska of all places. I always thought that Alaska was the last refuge for free spirits and adventurers. Certainly Eskimos have always been portrayed as chubby people who like nothing better than a gourmet meal of blubber. I’m willing to bet the igloo that there isn’t a Weight Watcher’s on any glacier in Alaska. People are allowed to live their lives as they see fit. So, why is Tex Edwards spending a fortune trying to get Maggie to use a treadmill in order to take off a few extra pounds? Maybe Maggie is happy like she is. Maggie happens to be a 4-ton elephant that lives at the Alaska Zoo.

Zoo director Edwards is optimistic that the 16,000 pound treadmill specifically built to exercise Maggie will help her in fighting the battle of the bulge whether she likes it or not. Just how does one teach a pachyderm to become a card-carrying member of Gold’s gym hasn’t been figured out yet. The 20-foot-long by 8-foot-wide treadmill was built by Conveyor Engineering, an Idaho-based company that designs heavy-duty conveyor systems. It is believed that the treadmill is the first one built specifically for an elephant. “They have built them for race horses but never for an elephant,” said assistant zoo director Pat Lampi. Heck, you and I thought that race horses knew how to run without the help of some dumb treadmill. Live and learn.

The treadmill sits in a well in the elephant house so that it will be flush with the floor. It also is equipped with gates on either end so Maggie can get on and off the treadmill. Bet they forgot towels for Maggie to dry her forehead after a work-out or bottled water for her to sip. A TV set tuned to Wolf Blitzer, for her to watch, probably is too much to ask. Why is the zoo going through all this expense and effort? At her last weigh-in (Don King was present waving his little American flag), Maggie tipped the scales at 9,120 pounds, about 1,000 pounds overweight according to the fashion editor of Glamour magazine.

Maggie’s weight became an issue when she couldn’t get into any of her clothes anymore. Just kiddin’, ya. Her general welfare was raised when the zoo’s only other elephant died of a chronic foot infection a few years ago. What an ingrown toe nail has to do with Maggie’s waist-line hasn’t been answered yet. One of the challenges with captive elephants is to get them enough exercise. Has anyone tried to get Maggie interested in volley ball or bike riding?

African elephants spend their time foraging for food, traveling many miles for a snack. Maggie, on the other hoof, has food plunked down in front of her each day. In an effort to stimulate the experience of foraging, the zoo has Maggie strain and reach for her food, now hung from structures as part of her lifestyle enrichment program. Wow! Talk about cruelty. Her diet also has changed to help her shed some pounds. Watch those carbs, Maggie-baby.

Maggie’s handlers hope to use positive reinforcement techniques to start her using the new treadmill. “The first time she’s on it…it will be barely moving,” one of them said. Maybe later, the treadmill’s incline feature can be utilized and it can be sped up her a brisk, healthful walk. Zoo director Edwards predicts Maggie will become a svelte, shining example of the benefits of regular exercise for overweight pachyderms worldwide. First, the treadmill then what, jumping jacks?

I’ve got news for all these seemingly helpful folks…you want Maggie to forage for food, how about taking her back to Africa where she was born and let her act like a normal, healthy elephant with her brothers and sisters. You made her the couch potato she’s become. Trust me, none of the other elephants will say, “hey, girl, you’ve put on a few pounds haven’t you?”

THERE'S A FOX IN THE HEN HOUSE...

The Fox television network has done it again. This right-wing citadel of conservatism proudly operates under the slogan “Fair and Balanced” news which is about as untrue and disgraceful as its programming – has decided to poke its fat nose into New York City’s Manhattan borough president’s race. You’d think the Fox network had more important things to do – like making more money and bashing all Democrats.

Fox is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. Rupert was born in Australia and made his billions by buying TV stations and scandal mongering newspapers all over the world. One of his rags was the first to publish the headline breaking story, “Baby Born with Glasses…Both Parents Have 20-20 Vision.” Another paper’s front page claimed that “There is only one Olsen twin.” It’s up for a Pulitzer Prize.

When he came to U.S. he continued building his empire and is now America’s extreme right-wing, political powerbroker par excellence. His Fox News is the leading cable news channel in the U.S. Rumor has it that the cable news channel is considering putting on new shows hosted by the likes: David Duke, Attila the Hun, the BTL killer and the head of the KKK who’s show will be called “Fun Under The Sheets.”

Why would this wealthy corporation concern itself some local political campaign? Do you care who is elected Manhattan borough president? What exactly does a borough president do? They’re about as important as a photographer at Reader’s Digest. Fox’s local affiliate WNYW/Channel 5 has refused to run a campaign ad for a Democratic politician running for Manhattan borough president. The reason? The TV ad lampoons President George W. Bush. Hell, George W. lampoons himself every time he speaks.

The offending ad superimposes the Prez’s head on a naked torso. The ad, produced by Brian Ellner, an openly gay candidate opens with a close-up of Bush’s face and zooms out to show from the hips up, with a voice-over saying, “New Yorkers know the emperor has no clothes.” Geez, it’s not like the ad showed George W’s skinny legs…or skinny salami. Ellner also introduced his male partner during the 30-second commercial. The report didn’t say if his partner was clothed or showed his ‘Johnson.” By rejecting the campaign ad Fox proves once again that it’s bigoted, narrow minded, up-tight…and more importantly lacks humor.

“Fox claims that this ad is disrespectful to the president. What is truly disrespectful to Manhattan voters is to deny them the chance to hear a serious message from a candidate for public office,” Ellner said.

I didn’t know that the media was obligated to be respectful to any politician, did you? A spokesman for Fox’s WNYW/Channel 5 said the channel was not running the ad, but declined to say why. “It’s censorship and it’s un-American. It’s either anti-gay because I introduced my partner, or it’s anti-free speech because I criticized the president,” claims Ellner.

Just in case immigrant Murdoch doesn’t know it – American newspapers have always poked fun at politicians especially the President. It’s called freedom of the press. Remember when newspapers claimed that President Chester Arthur had the I.Q. of a horse’s hoof? That Grover Cleveland cremated his wife and brought marshmallows to the ceremony. Or, that Millard Fillmore liked to sit on an air hose. Those stories weren’t censored. Those politicians fortunately faded into obscurity which the Fox network should do.

LET'S PLAY FAIR.

I’ve got news for all you animal lovers out there. Your cuddly, furry friends are as deceitful as an unnamed alcoholic rock star that was forced to retire claiming he was unable to do anything but sing, “Granada” to an imaginary herring.

I’m a little sick of dog owners that speak baby-talk to their flea infested pooches. If their pedigreed poodles were smart enough to understand them, Fifi wouldn’t make a circle before she lay down. All owners boast that their pet gives them unquestioned love – well, bucko, so will a hundred dollar hooker. As for loyalty, companionship and comfort, I suggest they invest in a good sleeping bag. I’ve never heard of one gossiping about anyone or running off with a rich pogo stick. Before you start angrily claiming that I hate dogs, I happen to own a Scottish Deerhound named McTavish. Okay, he’s a stuffed dog but he’s still a dog. What fun McTavish and I have when I take him out for his nightly drag.

I will admit to disliking cats. I’m allergic to them. Don’t you find them too independent? The only way cats seem to show “love” is by meowing and ripping your eye out with its claws. Let’s face it the smell of wet cat litter can cause an ox to become comatose. Fish are boring. They just swim around all day and night and make dumb faces at you. Would you try to have a serious discussion with a guppy about, say, FEMA’s slow reaction to Katrina?

I’m just funnin’ with you. I think pets are great. My problem is with men, women and children who think that all animals are innocent and loving creatures. They’re not. They can be as selfish, cunning, dishonest and sleazy as a mother-in-law. Case in point: an enterprising young killer whale at Marineland.

He has figured out how to use fish as bait to catch seagulls – and has shared his strategy with his fellow whales. Talk about dirty pool. “One day I noticed one of the young whales appeared to have come up with a procedure for luring gulls down to the pool,” said Michael Noonan, a professor of animal behavior. “First, the young whale spit regurgitated fish onto the surface of the water, then sank below the water and waited. When a hungry gull landed on the water, the whale would surge up to the surface and catch a free meal.”

Within a few months, the whale’s younger half brother (how did Marineland figure out he was the half-brother? Maybe they’re the spitting image of Poppa whale. As to figuring out that the second was younger…maybe the first whale began to shave first.) Anyway, he adopted the practice. Eventually the behavior spread and now five whales supplement their diet with fresh fowl.

The capacity to come up with the gull-baiting strategy and then share the technique with others – known as cultural learning in the scientific world – was once believed to be one of those abilities that separated humans from other animals.

Before you begin applauding and cheering these young killer whales for their intelligence, what about the poor sea gulls? The whales seem to be breaking a long established rule between whale and gull. The slightly retarded gull is just following the age old pattern of, “see fish eat fish.” He or she doesn’t expect some smart-ass whale to pop out with a napkin around its snout and go, “Surprise.”

It’s just not fair. It’s unsportsmanlike and allows the youth of today to do anything they damn please. The end justifies the means. Where is the Marquis of Queensberry when you need him? Why doesn’t the young killer whale just thumb the gull in the eye, or hit him below his beak? There should be some committee or organization that the sea gulls can appeal to. Stiff fines or suspension should be the punishment.

This behavior is probably unconstitutional. I’d love to hear Clarence Thomas on this one.

HEALTH IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH!

Life is not easy. No one said it was going to be easy except maybe that redheaded transvestite on the Psychic Hotline. He/she also predicted that Barry Bonds would be paying 6.7% on its 30-year notes.

Each day we are all faced with health issues, economic problems, personal family difficulties, crime, world conflicts, natural disasters and a putting stroke that has gone south. Sometimes it almost gets too much for many of us. Tell the truth, did you ever want to feel that your spirit could leave your body and go make a collect telephone call to Moskowitz’s Fiber Glass Company? I know I have.

Many Americans worry about their health, weight, whether they’re eating the right foods, will they suddenly be struck down with some horrible disease that will turn them into a side-show freak. The only immune people who don’t seem to worry about a damn thing are the radical Islamic suicide bombers. They believe that they will magically end up in heaven. Little do they know that Disneyland has a strict dress code.

Like so many others, for the past two years I have been very health conscious. I watch what I eat, stopped drinking, joined a health club and work out with a muscle-bound trainer four times a week…and am happy to report great progress – on a good day I can actually bend down and touch my waist.

Why are so many of us worried about health and fitness? Isn’t the idea to be a kindly, helpful, considerate, loving human being? Isn’t that the idea? Of course, if you can bench press a Buick Electra it couldn’t hurt.

I just wish that everyone would take a deep breath and calm down about their health. Isn’t it time for most of us to run barefoot through the woods and smell the roses…and the occasional skunk? I, for one, have stopped reading and listening to reports about the latest fad diets, newest home gym equipment, government health studies and interviews with freaks who have lost 300-pounds in two days. Enough is enough. I want everybody to let us alone to enjoy our lives.

Will they? Nah! Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have created a robotic dog that tells you when it’s time for your daily walk. Why the hell doesn’t the MIT scientists stick to doing what they do best –creating weapons of mass destruction? These eggheads plan to recruit their “canine entertainment robot” into the obesity police.

The dog would be connected by radio to the bathroom scales, a pedometer and a personal organizer in which the owner would not his daily food intake, New Scientist magazine reported. Asked “How am I?” the robot would either jump excitedly, play funky music and flash colored lights, or flop down and play a dirge, according to whether its owner has followed his or her diet. Are they kidding? Why doesn’t the lousy robot dog just take a shit on your shoe when you’ve eaten too much? Maybe you could bribe the dog with some kibble laced with speed.

“It is promising to look at mobile robots for defining behavioral change,” computer scientist Tim Bickmore of Boston University’s School of Medicine was quoted as saying. I’ve got news for you, Tim, I don’t need some mechanical pooch to embarrass me into staying in shape…I just have to look in the mirror.

The only good thing about this robot Hitler is that it never needs to be let out or fed. I’m sooooo pissed about this news that I’m going to bury myself in a Boston Cream pie and never come out.

ME CASA IS SU CASA!

Relax. The Old Geezer is back from a week surfing in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Yes, I’m back and ready to go. Let’s chat about real estate.

You’d have to be just coming back from a long honeymoon with a possum to not realize that the real estate market is more inflated than most southern beer drinking, rib-eating rednecks. The prices of houses are higher than Whitney Houston. The average family has as much of a chance to buy a new home as George W. does of doing anything right.

Will the real estate bubble burst? Most experts think it will eventually but they also think that it’s time for another remake of “Bewitched.” As my old aunt, Rapunzel used to say, “Stop telling me to let down my hair, dip-shit.” She was a tough old broad who didn’t take crap from anybody. When some wise-ass, young chicken flicker in, Vilna, came on to her she glared at him and muttered, “Touch me and you’ll never say ‘mackinaw’ in mixed company again!” He became so frightened that he ran away with a circus geek. If you know what any of this has to do with real estate, please call collect……..my number is: 3.

To show you how bad the real estate boom is a new listing just came on the market in London, England. The real estate company Winkworths describes the house as being, “utterly amazing and almost certainly unique.” That’s how they talk in England. They throw around “almost amazing” and “certainly unique” like they were words. In the U.S of A., real estate people boast about “sump pumps that you could die for…views of your neighbor’s outhouse that will be the envy of your friends…close to boarded-up schools and crack houses that you’ll be proud of.” That’s the way to sell. Forget fancy words like “amazing” and “unique.” Can you imagine the average American husband running home and shouting,”Honey, I found something unique and amazing. What, your dick?”

This amazing and unique house is in the Shepherds Bush neighborhood of west London – popular with media professionals and close to the BBC’s headquarters. That should be as much of an inducement as living next to Oral Roberts and eavesdropping on his conversations with Jesus. This amazing and unique house is listed at the bargain price of $933,000.00. Grab those checkbooks and begin writing……

In case you have any hesitations, just listen: It’s known as the “skinny house.” It measures just over 5 feet at its skinniest and 9 feet, 11 inches at its widest point. I can hear you now, “Who would build such an impractical, dumb house that skinny?” How about an anorexic architect? The average NBA center couldn’t lie down on the floor…he’d have to lose 5 inches.

The narrow home is spread over five levels and used to be a hat shop before being converted into living quarters. The former hat makers were noted for their top hats and dunce caps. No wide brimmed bonnets at the skinny house.

The reason it’s five levels is that there’s no room to do anything. Twiggy couldn’t turn around in the bedroom without going outside. The place includes a narrow kitchen just big enough for a salt and pepper shaker. The wee oven can only bake bread sticks. No room for fancy wide frying pans – the toaster can only handle one slice of bread at a time. The kitchen clock only has a minute hand. We’re talking narrow, friends.

Its bathroom features a medium-sized tub that takes up the entire length of the tiny room. In order to take a bath you have to get a running start in the living room and do a half-gainer – degree of difficulty 9-point-6….from the narrow couch. The only way to dry off is to beg someone outside to breathe on you. The house also contains a dining area (for one), reception room – that only the host can stand in…guests must stand on the street to shake hands. It has three bedrooms -- large enough for your average skeleton to sleep in, a dressing room containing a single hanger. A patio and small garden with one gladiola growing in it and a roof terrace which “boast a panoramic view of London’s west.” However, you can only look at the view with either your left or right eye. If you try using both eyes you can be arrested as a peeping Tom.

For those doubting the value of real estate just look at what a bargain the skinny house is. Look. No, damn it you missed it I told you not to blink.