72-VIRGINS AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

THE GEEZER HAS BEEN PONDERING – AT MY AGE PONDERING IS ABOUT ALL I CAN STILL DO AND NOT FALL DOWN – ABOUT WHY SOMEONE WOULD STRAP ON EXPLOSIVES AND BLOW THEMSELVES UP ALONG WITH LOTS OF INNOCENT VICTIMS? WHY? THERE’S NOT MUCH OF A FUTURE IN IT. WHY NOT GET A DAY JOB INSTEAD?

IT SEEMS THAT ISLAMIC TERRORISTS GET VOLUNTEERS TO TURN THEMSELVES INTO MEATLOAF BY PROMISING THEM MARTYDOM. “ALLAH REWARDS THEM WITH 72-VIRGINS IN HEAVEN.” THAT MEANS THAT ALLAH IS THE BIGGEST PIMP IN HISTORY. WHERE DOES HE GET ALL THOSE VIRGIN HOs? TO GET DOWN TO THE DIRTY, THESE ‘MARTYRS’ DIE IN ORDER TO GET LAID.

THIS ALSO EXPLAINS WHY THERE ARE NO AMERICAN SUICIDE BOMBERS. WE KNOW THERE AREN’T 72-VIRGINS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. THE ONLY VIRGINS I’VE EVER MET LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING YOU’D FIND ON A SEAFOOD PLATE.

IN ORDER TO DO AWAY WITH SUCCESSFUL SUICIDE BOMBINGS IT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING FOR SECURITY FORCES TO LOOK FOR A YOUNG MAN WITH PIMPLES ON HIS FACE AND A HARD-ON.

THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.

I'LL HAVE MINE WITH SPRINKLES.

WE HAVE A LOT TO BLAME GEORGE W. BUSH FOR BUT EVEN HE GETS A PASS ON THIS ONE. SINCE 9-11 MANY AMERICANS HAVE BECOME PARANOID ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF ANOTHER TERRORIST ATTACK. NONE HAS HAPPENED SINCE 2001 BUT 9-YEARS ARE A BLINK OF THE EYE FOR CRAZIES. A STUDY WAS MADE THAT PROVES THAT MORE LOONEY-TUNES ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF STORE WINDOWS WEARING POINTED ALUMINUM HATS AND TALKING TO MANNEQUINS. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST TALKING TO STORE DUMMIES – IN FACT, I DATED ONE WHO WAS IN BLOOMINGDALE’S FRONT WINDOW FOR A FEW YEARS BUT THAT’S FOR ANOTHER TIME.

JOINING THE RANKS OF NUTCASES IS THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CHAIN. THEIR DONUTS COULD CAUSE A YAK TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. DUNKIN’ WAS RUNNING A TV COMMERCIAL STARRING RACHAEL RAY – RACHAEL DOES A COOKING SHOW ON CABLE AND HAS ONE OF THE MOST IRRITATING VOICES I’VE EVER HEARD. ON THE SHOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A DWARF ON SPEED. IN THIS DUNKIN’ DONUT COMMERCIAL, RACHAEL WAS WEARING A SCARF WITH A BLACK AND WHITE PATTERN THAT MANY CONSERVATIVE MORONS INSISTED WAS SENDING OUT SIGNALS THAT COULD BE READ BY ISLAMIC TERRORISTS. THEY CLAIMED THAT IT LOOKED LIKE THE SAME THING ARAFAT USED TO WEAR. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YASSAR ALWAYS MADE FASHION STATEMENTS WITH HIS WARDROBE.

ANYWAY, THE DUNKIN’ DONUT BRASS PANICKED WHEN THEY GOT SOME ANGRY MAIL AND PULLED THE RACHAEL RAY COMMERCIAL. THIS FINE AMERICAN COMPANY WASN’T GOING TO HELP THE TERRORTISTS’ PROPAGANDA MACHINE. IF DUNKIN’ WANTED TO REALLY HURT THE ISLAMIC RADICALS THEY WHOULD SEND THEM FREE DONUTS AND WATCH THEM ALL DIE OF CARDIAC ARREST.

LET'S ACT LIKE DUKE WAYNE AGAIN.

After 8-years of George W. Bush, our countries reputation and standing in the world is lower than a hunchback dwarf. There is only one thing for us to do to salvage what is left of our legacy. We must immediately invade Myanmar. The thugs and hooligans that have ruled that poor country for years – have pissed everyone off in the world with their insensitivity to the plight of its citizens after the devastating typhoon that killed about 100,000 men, women and children. The junta leaders have refused to allow aide, that the world is willing to send in, to relieve the suffering of its people. Typically, the United Nations have acted like eunuchs and instead of threatening to overthrow these gangsters the Security Council has turned its other cheek – something they’re very good at. United Nations’ pronouncements are about as scary as a Quaker hit man.

If President Bush wants to erase the lousy taste he has left in the mouths of Americans with his screw-ups – none bigger than invading Iraq - he should send our military into Myanmar and conquer the Island. Why not? Their military is no match to ours and he can claim that we would be received as friends and liberators. Hey, he still thinks that’s what happened in Iraq. If world opinion turns against us for taking over Myanmar – fuck ‘em. Why invade or declare war on Iran who just might put up a stiff defense against us or shut off their oil spigots – Myanmar’s major industry is poverty and coconuts…we should be able to handle them. Isn’t it time the U.S. did something worthy and good for mankind? I’m sick of reading about and watching horrific pictures of the suffering there. Its time we acted like John Wayne, pilgrims.

BRING ON THE BULLET TRAIN.

WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS, BESIDES AN HONEST POLITICIAN – ARE BULLET TRAINS. EVERYONE, EVERYBODY, ALL OF US IS SICK AND DISGUSTED ABOUT THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY. THEY SUCK!

THE HORROR STORIES DON’T SEEM TO STOP. BAGGAGE
PROBLEMS, PLANES NEVER DEPARTING OR ARRIVING ON TIME, UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS, LOUSY SERVICE AND ON AND ON. THE LATEST OUTRAGE IS BEYOND THE PALE. IN CHICAGO RENCENTLY TWO PLANDES SOOOO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, AIR TRAFFIC HAD TO THROW COLD WATER ON THE PLANES. REMEMBER WHEN STEWARDESS' USED TO BE SEXY, YOUNG AND GORGEOUS? NOW THEY HAVE WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE MY OLD AUNT YETTA -- SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D FIND ON A SEA FOOD MENU.

A NEW YORK CITY MAN IS SUING JETBLUE AIRWAYS FOR MORE THAN 2 MILLION BECAUSE HE SAYS…I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. EVEN THE GEEZER’S VIVID IMAGINATION COULD COME UP WITH THIS CRAZINESS. HE’S SUING BECAUSE A PILOT MADE HIM GIVE UP HIS SEAT TO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND MADE HIM SIT ON THE TOILET FOR MORE THAN 3-HOURS ON A FLIGHT FROM CALIFORNIA. THIS CUSTOMER CLAIMS THE PILOT INSISTED THAT HE ‘HANG OUT IN THE BATHROOM’ BECAUSE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT COMPLAINED THAT THE ‘JUMP SEAT’ SHE WAS ASSIGNED WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. IF I’M LYING I’M DYING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

INITIALLY THIS POOR SOUL WAS TOLD A FLIGHT ATTENDANT HAD TAKEN THE LAST SEAT ON THE PLANE, BUT WAS THEN ADVISED SHE WOULD SIT IN THE EMPLOYEE ‘JUMP SEAT’ MEANING HE COULD HAVE THE LAST SEAT. WHEN THE OUTRAGED MAN COMPLAINED, HE WAS TOLD, “HE WAS THE PILOT, THAT THIS WAS HIS PLANE, UNDER HIS COMMAND AND THAT THE GUY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR BEING ON BOARD.” THE AIRCRAFT HIT TURBULENCE AND PASSENGERS WERE DIRECTED TO RETURN TO THEIR SEATS, BUT THE PLAINTIFF HAD NO SEAT TO RETURN TO, SITTING ON A TOILET STOOL WITH NO SEAT BELT.



CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS HAPPENING TO ONE OF US? WHAT TIME GUY SHOULD HAVE DONE WAS EAT SOME OF THE SLOP FOOD OFFERED BY THE AIRLINE AND GOTTEN DIARRHEA. THEN THE TOYTOY SEAT WOULD BECOME USUAL. I JUST HOPE HE REFUSED TO LET ANYBODY ELSE INTO THE TOILET DURING THE FLIGHT. FUCK ‘EM!!! AND FUCK JETBLUE!
IF WE HAD BULLET TRAINS TAKING US ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN COMFORT – THE AIRLINES WOULD GO OUT OF BUSINESS – WHICH MOST OF THEM ARE DOING ANYWAY.