MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.

I love miracles. I totally believe in them. It was a miracle that my ex-wife and I stayed together for a year and a half. I’ll never forget our wedding night. I turned to her and huskily said, “Let’s have sex.” She replied, “Tonight?”

There, of course, have been many authenticated miracles. Some skeptics and cynics pooh-pooh them but those poor souls don’t believe in Santa, the Easter bunny or Publisher’s Clearinghouse. One of my favorite miracles is the chap who was able to resume his life after serving 12-years in prison for mispronouncing the word ‘diphthong.’ A lesser man would have come out bitter and angry but not him. It probably helped that he spent his childhood posing as a shepherd to fool his parents.

Many TV evangelists proclaim miracles and offer to send you religious artifacts to prove the miracle. These artifacts aren’t free, my friend, you have to send all of your life’s savings or your first born in order to receive the item COD. The very Reverend Bubba Bubba proudly offered his television audience - all true believers - that if they contributed their gold fillings in order for him to build the Bubba Bubba University/Beef Jerky Stand – he would send them an actual fragment from Jesus’ actual Nehru jacket. How could anybody pass up the offer?

Ye of so little faith like to ridicule and mock seemingly wondrous and astonishing ‘miracles’ that happen every day. Why did you treat that lovely woman in Missoula, Idaho with pitiless taunts when she proclaimed that a homemade jelly donut had the likeness of Joan of Arc…or, Joan Rivers on it? Did you have to minimize her faith and beliefs? What about the 13-year old boy in Texas who swore that Jimmy Swaggert broke into his bedroom and shampooed him? He thought it was a miracle since he was an Orthodox Jew.

For the naysayers among you there is no refuting this miracle. It’s irrefutable and totally amazing. There is ‘proof’ from Kazakhstan, a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is the dominant religion follow closely by Druidism, that a chicken in a small village has laid an egg with the word “Allah” inscribed on its shell. How ‘bout them apples? “Our mosque confirmed that it says ‘Allah’ in Arabic,” Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan. There were some doubters in his village that thought the inscription on the egg might have been, ‘Ah, Shit this egg hurt my ass.’

It seems that the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village. The chicken was probably scared out of its wits by the storm. Do chickens have wits? The farmer insists that he will keep this egg and not try to sell it on eBay.

This astonishing miracle should make you doubters get down on your knees and pray that someone will help you up.

SWELL AND GOLLY!

Each year corporations and businesses spend millions of dollars hiring focus groups, P.R. firms and media advisors to help them select brand names that will catch on with the public. The success of their products depends on this. Many years ago a major soap company was about to bring out a new laundry soap and they decided to test the name. In that the executives of this soap company were ‘Timmy’s’ who wore brown shoes with white socks and used words like, “golly” and “swell” – and had wives named, “Buffy” and “Muffy” you can imagine how they identified with normal people. They called together a few “New York” types (see Jews) and asked for their advice. The soap company execs proudly unveiled their new soap, “Dreck”. The “New Yorkers” insisted on cash before rendering their advice. When they pointed out to these Babbits that “Dreck” meant shit in Yiddish – and that their advertising campaign would probably go something like this: “I love to wash my clothes in shit.” The “Timmy’s” paid the cash and said, “Golly.”

There are many companies who have successfully packaged and advertised their products. Kentucky Fried Chicken became an instant hit by having a white bearded, white suited, old gentleman as their spokesman. They called him Colonel Sanders and customers ate him up along with the greasy chicken. In truth he was a bum from Brooklyn named, Mendel Goldfarb. MacDonald’s put up their golden arches and is still raking in billions. Bob’s Big Boy decided on a huge sign showing a fat kid on roller skates and the company flourished.

It’s no wonder that entrepreneurs are still searching for that ‘certain thing’ that will help their enterprise become successful. Puneet Sablok, of Bombay, India was about to open a restaurant and knew he had to attract attention to the place. His solution was to name his restaurant after Adolph Hitler. Yes, old Puneet festooned his eatery with Nazi swastikas and pictures of Adolph along with his merry band of murderers. The shop owner of “Hitler’s Cross” thought he had done a bit of all right until the joint opened. Obviously the diaper on his head was wound too tight. When the shit or curry hit the fan there was a storm of protests and people picketing the eatery especially from Bombay’s small Jewish community.. He was shocked and surprised at the reaction. “He realized he made a mistake and listened to reason,” said Elijah Jacob, a community leader. “Some people have wrong conceptions of history and he realized it was not appropriate.” “Once they told me how upset they were with the name, I decided to change it,” Puneet said. “I don’t want to do business by hurting people.” The restaurant serves pizza, salads and pastries so Sablok is thinking of a non-controversial name like, Osama Bib Laden.

I wonder when he discovered his goof if Puneet said, “Golly” or “Oy Vey!”

THE BRITS ARE THE BEST.

I love the British. I’m a devout anglophile and proud of it. They seem so dignified and elegant. Who else can be comfy in attire like striped trousers, an umbrella and a derby…in bed? They are very droll and occasionally speak a form of English. They’re so classy that some of them even wear contact monocles.

The Brits have affected our culture more than any country including the Bulgaria. Mini skirts, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Twiggy and, of course, their ambassador of good taste - Benny Hill. Americans love England and millions of them visit London every year even though the city is exorbitantly expensive. How expensive? I saw a Saudi Crown Prince send home for more money.

One thing about the British that hasn’t caught on with us Yanks is the food that they eat. Kippers, Clotted Cream, Bangers, Twiglets, Fish fingers (I didn’t know fish had fingers but whattheyhey), Blood Pudding, Finnan Haddie and last but not least – Bubble & Squeak. Be honest would you ever put something called Bubble & Squeak in your mouth? Hell, I’d be afraid to be in the same room with it.

I could go on and on about our British cousins because they make me laugh. Just recently a group of British farmers insisted that their cows have regional accents. Lloyd Green, from southwest England, was one of a group of farmers who first noticed the phenomenon. “I spent a lot of time with my Friesians and they definitely ‘moo’ with a Somerset drawl,” he said, referring to the breed of dairy cow he owns. Now really, cows mooing with accents? Does that mean that cows in Georgia moo with southern accents? Imagine a redneck ‘Bessie’. Would we find some cow in Brooklyn mooing in a New York accent? Sounds kind of silly and weird to me. Are those British farmers trying to pull our Bubble & Squeak?

A scientist who thinks he’s Henry Higgins thinks they are right. “I think it works the same as with dogs – the closer a person bonds with his animals, the easier it is for them to pick up his accent.” If this is true you might find a British Wolf Hound barking in cockney, "Blimey, I feel like bashing the bishop." After you clean out the litter box a pussy cat saying, “Thanks mate.” A professor of Phonetics at University College London insists that this phenomenon has also been found in birds. Can’t wait to hear a parakeet who sounds like Queen Elizabeth. Look like her, yes – but sound like her?

I’m a little dubious about this report from England. Although I’d give a pair of my best spats to hear an English Chihuahua sound like Ringo Star.

OUR TROOPS NEED BREASTS.

Don’t you love amazing true stories? Stories that stop you in your tracks and make you wonder if someone is pulling a fast one. One of my favorite amazing stories appeared in The Star. The headline was “Parents give birth to a baby wearing glasses. They both have twenty-twenty vision.” Another was: “Man claims that he woke up and found himself running in the Preakness.” Apparently he paid $25.00 for show.

This latest story caught my attention. It comes out of Jerusalem. As everyone knows Israel has been facing attacks from terrorist groups bent on driving Jews into the sea and having them land in Miami. It seems during the recent rocket attacks from Hamas an Israeli woman was hit with shrapnel from a rocket and sustained only minor injuries. Why? Her breast implants saved her life. The shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart. “She was saved from death,” said a hospital spokesman.

Let’s think about this. Many women who have had breast implants try to keep it a secret although a 49 inch breast is tough to hide. Other women proudly point to their new breasts which are usually pointing by themselves. This incident has done more to publicize breast implants than Pamela Anderson. One Hollywood plastic surgeon’s TV ads have him wearing a helmet and promising to save potential implant clients from everything including a nuclear attack.

If breast implants are that strong why doesn’t the Pentagon, which has been criticized for not providing our troops in Iraq with body armor use implants instead? They’re probably cheaper and would take the pressure off the civilians in the Defense Department who obviously are not concerned with our troops being killed. Give every soldier, marine, Special Forces and other troop’s breast implants? They don’t have to necessarily have the implants put in their bodies – they can just wear them outside their uniforms. Can you hear it now, “Hey sergeant I love your new breasts. Can I have a feel?” And think about the Lebanese Islamic insurgents - Since they never see knockers because their women are forced to wear tents, American troops attacking with huge implants will scare the crap out of them. Just think protection and a moral builder in one fell swoop.

If this Israeli yenta can deflect a rocket let’s make sure our troops are given the latest in boobs. This might win a Congressional Medal of Honor for the Geezer. I’d wear it proudly on my right 39-D-Cup.

DON'T MONKEY AROUND.

Have you ever tried computer dating? How about web sites that promise to allow you to meet the “perfect” mate? The problem, of course, that men and women lie about their physical appearance and are disingenuous about their background. I should know, my ‘Profile” on a love web site includes a picture of Paul Newman. Too many of the women I have met look like William Bendix or Johnny Cash. The Geezer has too much class to make a scene – I just grab my heart and call for the paramedics.

In spite of all the horrors and awful experiences that most of us have had with computer dating sites – how else can a man meet a women or visa versa. Hanging around bars is for young people. Can you imagine a gentleman who wears polyester pants and white plastic shoes coming on to some young big busted teen and asking her if she voted for Harry Truman? Come on!

Dating sites fulfill a useful purpose. Obviously there are a lot of con men taking advantage of lonely singles. Take E-Harmony. Despite the gray haired schmuck who fronts their TV commercials the site is as phony as his smile. The nearest women to my home were hairy broads from Bosnia and Uganda. However I’m a guy that believes the glass is a dribble glass but I still keep hoping that there is a Mrs. Geezer out there someplace. I have met many women who cause me to break into spasms and do the Macarena. But, where there is hope there is idiocy. Don’t expect dating service entrepreneurs to give up their businesses – its big business.
Something happened recently that gave me hope. It seems folks in The Hague in the Netherlands have decided to try to use online dating to bring two singles together. The ad reads “Single male (red hair, long arms, interests include hanging in trees and grooming) seeks a female for long-distance relationship and possibility more.’ Their hope is to get these two love boat candidates meeting up in the future to help save the species. Pretty darn heavy, dude.

Zookeepers in the Netherlands are planning to hook up Dutch and Indonesian orangutans over the internet and believe the link could at some stage used as an online dating service where apes could get together to know one another and keepers could work out whether they would be compatible mates. First things first: A romantic dinner for two. “We are going to set up an Internet connection between Indonesia and the Netherlands so that the apes can see each other and, by means of pressing a button, be able to give one another food.” Have they considered the possibility that one of the hairy apes might be an anorexic? What if one of the ‘singles’ has spinach stuck in his or her fangs which turns off the other one? Wouldn't it wild if she asks him for his sign and he says, "Do you come here a lot?"

I hope these matchmakers realize that this fixing males and females up is not a walk in the park although if the two apes walked in the park they might decide to get it on. As a serious advocate of computer dating if the experiment works I promise to bring my next computer date will be overwhelmed with bananas.

THE WORLD IS OVER AS WE KNOW IT.

The world as we knew it is at an end. It’s over! Not because of global warming or George Bush’s latest speech – a new study of over 1,400 women has turned the world upside down. Remember the song, “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend? Well, buster it ain’t!

According to this scientific account conducted by market researcher TRU – are you ready? – Given the choice, women would opt for tech items rather than luxury items like jewelry or expensive vacations. Has the world gone bonkers? Have women lost their damn minds? This subversive study found that 77% of women surveyed would prefer a new plasma television to a diamond solitaire ring and 56% would opt for the TV over a weekend in Hawaii. My hands are shaking as I write this.

If this is true, why did Marilyn Monroe waste our time singing about diamonds? What has happened to greed and avarice? What has happened to the women who insist on driving cars so expensive that you don’t wash it…you dry clean it? Remember the good old days when girlfriends insisted that their sugar daddy’s wallet had stretch marks. In Beverly Hills does this mean the end of Mercedes back-to-school sales? Will we never find rich housewives buying designer kibble for their dogs?

Christ, this is frightening. This scarifying study also found out that instead of Prada, 86% of women would prefer a new digital video camera to a pair of Prada shoes. Hell, I’d rather wear Prada pumps than have a friggin’ video camera. Where did they find the women in this study? Probably commies. Think: how many women do you know or have met that would actually pick a Toshiba instead of a Harry Winston diamond? Nada!
I hope this study is apocryphal or at least apostrophe. All men are used to the little woman spending money and kvetching that she doesn’t have enough – this will put us into cultural shock. Wanting a thin TV instead of the Hope diamond – where is my ex-wife when I need her?

LOOK AT ME, I'M RICH.

The Geezer has always hated the phrase “different stokes for different folks’ but alas it’s often true. Different people consider certain things the ‘most important’ thing in the world to them. It can be animal, vegetable or mineral. Doesn’t matter. Whatever that ‘thing’ is they spend more time finding it and more money buying it and showing it off. In the case of my accountant it’s his collection of clip-on-bow-ties. That gives you an idea of how much fun he is…..

I know men and women who devote more energy flaunting their obsession than is healthy. It could be jewelry, fashions, homes, cars, vacations and they can’t wait to bore the rest of us with their recent purchase. They feel this need to show off. Obviously they are so insecure that the ‘thing’ makes them feel worthy and important. Can you imagine spending thousands of dollars on a pair of glasses? And those glasses aren’t worn for vision they are worn for show. A new pair of eyes isn’t worth that much. What about the people who insist on buying expensive sports cars and keeping the sticker price on the window. I’m talking a hundred thousand dollars for autos that get a half-mile to the gallon. Just driving it in to the dealer to ask a question costs more money than the average person earns a year. How about women who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything but designer tampons?

I think it’s stupid for a poodle to have a diamond leash; a teen to complain that their stock portfolio has gone down; or a tyrannical celebrity to bitch when their swimming pool isn’t filled with Evian. Everyday life and everyday problems are as foreign to them as a bar mitzvah in Mel Gibson’s house.

To show how far these pampered people can go a woman was recently thrown off a Cathay Pacific flight by armed police. She didn’t threaten to plant a bomb in her martini, or insist that the pilot have an immediate pedicure – those would have been understandable. What she did to cause her removal was to refuse to stow her Gucci handbag under her seat or in the cabin overhead bin. The flight from Hong Kong to Tokyo was delayed for over an hour as the woman contested the cabin crew’s instructions. She wasn’t about to treat her Gucci bag like some piece of luggage. No siree, Bob. This lunatic insisted that the Gucci was her ‘baby’ and she shouldn’t be forced to dirty or crease it. Other passengers clapped when she was finally escorted off the plane.

The woman later apologized and was put on a later flight to Tokyo. While she waited for that flight she bought a pair of sunglasses for 12-thousand dollars, a designer hanky to wipe her tears for 500 hundred, and a bagel with Beluga caviar.

Aren’t you glad that you’re an ordinary type of person who has things in perspective? Wait my butler and upstairs maid who I pay hundreds of thousands a week just called.