BE ALL YOU CAN BE AND THEN SOME......

As a loyal, respectful citizen I am very concerned with the problem that our military seems to have in meeting the volunteer quotas mandated by the Pentagon. For some bizarre reason young men and women aren’t flocking to recruiting offices anymore. Could it be that the mistake of invading Iraq is one of the causes for this volunteer shortage?

Are potential service people backing away from a military that can’t provide those fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan with proper armored vehicles and modern arms in sufficient quantity? Is the possibility of having your balls blown off at any moment a hindrance? Why aren’t young Americans willing to sacrifice their sexual parts in order to help the anti-American diaper-heads form a government that will make Saddam’s look like Sesame Street?

It's obvious that the miliary has a public relations nightmare on their hands. How do you convince youngsters that they should sacrifice their lives because George W. got into a pissing contest with the rest of the world? It would be easier to sell memberships at Tanya Harding's Charm School.

Is the Pentagon’s use of a small clause written in Urdu which allows the military to keep recruits in Iraq longer than was promised one of the reasons people don’t trust the government anymore? Is the forcing of Reserve and National Guard troops to be held in perpetuity another cause of this recruitment problem? Even though many of our troop’s home and private lives have been turned upside down and, in some cases, ruined by their service in Iraq - they were told not to be cry babies and to suck it up. “Stuff happens” said, Don Rumsfeld. He should know as the architect of this debacle.

Isn’t it interesting that not many children of Congress men and women or Senators are serving in Iraq or Afghanistan? Dya think that might be because of the danger?

Since there is a problem in recruiting I have a few suggestions to make it more palatable for potential volunteers.

1) Offer dishes and frying pans to each kid that signs up. ( It worked for banks when they were looking to open new accounts.)
2) How about an autographed tool belt?
3) A personal radio clock and vibrator?
4) A spur once worn by Duke Wayne – who by the way never served in our armed forces. He saved his bravery for films.


Heck, if that good stuff doesn’t bring them in, the military might have to go to the ever popular "Plan-B."

(4) Enlistees will only work 40-hour weeks.
(5) Soldiers can wear anything they like. No more uniforms. Gangster pants are allowed. Rings in noses, ears and bellybuttons are cool. Baseball caps worn backwards are encouraged. In the case of hip-hop orthodox Jews who want to wear their yarmulkes backwards...it might be hard to detect.
(6) Orders don’t have to be obeyed if the soldier doesn’t like them.
(7) Drugs and steroids will be handed out like Snicker bars.
(8) Mentally challenged recruits will skip basic training and immediately enter OCS. Those blinking, drooling and unable to stop giggling will be encouraged to run for Congress.

I hope the White House and Pentagon take these suggestions seriously. They now admit that we might be stuck in Iraq for another ten years. Who knows? By then we might even find a weapon of mass destruction or a link between Saddam and 9-11. Breathe in and smell Viet Nam.

HIGHER AND HIGHER

I’m so mad I could spit nails. I mean furious…vein sticking out of neck anger. I may burn my bra.

Bedford, TX., has set sexual equality back to the age of Murray the Viking. Murray was a chauvinist-pig whose favorite saying was, “Let’s get some pussy and beat the shit outta queers.”

It seems Texas’ elite All-State Choir eliminated a 17-year-old boy’s chance to audition for this famous choir as a soprano. These Texas rednecks decided that singing soprano is for girls only. Their decision has raised questions about gender discrimination. Damn right it has. Who says sopranos have to be girls only? Justice Scalia?

The Texas Music Educators Association on June 15 denied a request from Mikhael Rawls to audition this fall as a soprano. Rawls sings countertenor, a little known male voice that can only be heard by attentive hummingbirds. Countertenors have surged in popularity in operatic circles. Rawls can sing an octave and a half higher than Michael Jackson’s squeal when he can’t find a 12-year old. Mikhael, has even won first place as a soprano in the University Interscholastic League’s competition two years in a row. Tony Soprano has a collection of Rawls’ CDs…and if anyone knows a legit soprano it’s Tony, baby.

It seems this stuffy Texas association doesn’t allow boys to sing soprano or alto, or girls to sing baritone or basso. If they don’t watch themselves “Dikes on Bikes” will ride down and beat the shit out of them. If a chick wants to smoke a cigar and sing, “I’ll bitch slap you, ho.” What business is it of the Texas Music Educators Association?

“It seems to me that it’s time for the association to sort of wake up and see what’s happening around not only the United States of America but Europe,” renowned countertenor David Hirsh said in a telephone interview from London, where he is performing the lead role in Carmen.

Participating in All-State Choir is one of the highest honors available for Texas high school singers. Of the more than 20,000 students who audition, just more than 500 students are selected to participate in one of three choirs – men’s choir, a woman’s choir and a freak’s choir. Mikhael is willing to join any of them.

Let’s urge Texas to change its mind and let Mikhael sing any way he wants. If they bar him is karaoke or kazoo playing far behind?

WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

The next time some gorgeous woman comes over to you at a bar and asks “What’s your sign?” don’t tell her. She might be with an Insurance Company or a traffic cop in drag. It seems that your astrological sign has a lot to do with the kind of driver you are. I always thought that yapping on a cell phone while driving, applying make-up and not looking at on coming traffic, or being 90-years old, not able to see above the steering wheel, and trying wheelies in your Ford Bronco might count. Not so. Even if you spot a seeing-eyed dog behind the wheel don’t panic…he might have a good astrological sign.

A new study which ranked car accidents by Sun sign has found a definite link between accident and whether you were born on the cusp. I thought that a cusp was something old cowboys spit their chewing tobacco in. According to this study Gemini’s were found to be the worst drivers. Aren't Orientals?…go figure. Gemini’s typically described as restless, easily bored and frustrated by things moving slowly had more car accidents than any other sign. (My ex-wife must have been a Gemini – she certainly was restless, easily bored and hated that I didn’t move out faster.) No astrologer would argue with the description of the sign of the Twins and this isn’t very surprising news to them.

The other bad driver signs ranked this way:

Second and third place holders for this dubious honor are Taurus and Pisces. Taureans were thought to be obstinate and inflexible while Pisceans could be risk-takers and daredevils. Many astrologers would agree that Taureans can be obstinate and inflexible, but they are also the most introverted and self absorbed of all the signs. Their natural path is to think about their own body – it’s immediate comfort and needs – and to deal with only the most tangible and immediate realities. So, the next time you’re driving and some wacko swerves across the median line, jumps three lanes of traffic and heads for a rest stop – figure that he or she is a Taurus….or, somebody who ate a pork tartare sandwich.

Pisces, in number three position, is the other sign that lives in a world of its own. The study insists that Pisceans can be potential risk takers and daredevils. But, Pisceans are also described the gentle dreamers of the zodiac. They may spend many hours a day in fantasy world, escaping the painful realities of life. Kind of like the schmucks in Washington. They often experience the whole manifest world as an illusion and their presence in it as temporary and of little importance. This detachment from the physical can lead to unconscious feelings of invulnerability or invincibility….hence the daredevil rap.

Can you imagine if a Piscean had a split personality and was part Gemini? The driver could decide to commit suicide by driving off a bridge but if held up in traffic would change his mind, make a u-turn and leap over 100 cars that were lined up…and become a star of a Fox TV reality show..

Capricorns, who came in last on the list, are typically described as patient and careful. “It’s no surprise Caps are the safest behind the wheel. They’re the safest at everything.” They must be the damn drivers that go 30-miles an hour in the fast lane. We can only hope that some crazed Taurean crashes into their rear bumper and beats them to death with a “Support Mental Health” sign. Virgo, Cancer, Aquarius, Aries, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius and Scorpio fall somewhere in between Geminis and Capricorns.

If this study has validity it opens up a can of worms…which might also be a reason some idiot cuts you off and heads for a roadside john. A worm soufflé can do that to a person. From now on, auto dealers should not worry about a potential buyer’s credit. State Motor Vehicle departments shouldn’t concern themselves whether a customer is an illegal alien or has a drunk driving record….ask them for their sign. Let’s keep our streets and highways safe….the next time a motorist pulls up alongside and gives you the finger, don’t blow your stack, just smile and say, “Gemini, right?”

KEEPING A BREAST OF THINGS......

The Justice Department under new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has declared female mammary glands legal once again. His decision is a great victory for men and women and especially the brassiere industry. Cross your heart has a whole new meaning.

Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft, a conservative, born-again cretin had declared bosoms un-American and dirty objects. Obviously Ashcroft was not breast-fed as a child and believed that nipples were a threat to American society. Once in office, John, decided that pictures of him standing in front of the Spirit of Justice was somehow subversive. Spirit of Justice, with her one breast exposed and her arms raised caused him to shake like a victim of Huntington’s disease. He was fearful of a breast showing up behind him in television or newspaper pictures. This sexually repressed man considered tits more dangerous than the Mafia and Taliban combined. Every time someone mentioned Playboy Magazine John tried to issue an Orange Alert. Ashcroft tried to arrest everyone working in the Justice Department's commissary when he found out they were serving breast of turkey.

To save the country from the sight of Justice’s boob he installed blue drapes to cover her up in 2002 at the cost of $8,000.00. For 3-1/2 years visitors to the Justice Department came face to face with a blue curtain with something rigid sticking out from it. Many tourists wondered why the blue curtain had a boner. I guess Ashcroft wasn’t bothered by hard-ons just titties.

Don’t you wonder why President Bush didn’t declare Ashcroft mentally unbalanced and send him to the Republican Home for the Silly. I realize there’s a waiting list to get in…..
So, America, once again it’s legal to have, see, love, suckle and fondle breasts again. What a country

THE BRITS AND THE ROYALS

A report from the “Keeper of the Privy Purse” claims that Britain’s Royal Family costs the average citizen only $1.12 a year. First, who grows up wanting to be, “Keeper of the Privy Purse”? Do you go to University to study for it? What courses prepare you to be Keeper? “Purse #101”? “Advanced Pocket Book”?
Dya think the poor guy has to walk around carrying the Privy Purse on his arm?

Back to the Royals. Britain’s Royal Family are poster kids for Dysfunctional- R-Us. They are living proof that cousins must not marry. Off- springs run the risk of looking like the banjo player from Deliverance. I’m not talking about Camilla Parker, although the poor dear does look like his twin.

In the past the royals have often been criticized for excessive spending. They are, of course, subsidized by the citizens of Britain. At last count the Queen spent less than $3.20 on wardrobe in the last thirty years. She seems to think the shmatas she wears looks good. Lasik surgery would do her the world of good. Elizabeth looks like a bag lady, who was thrown out of her dumpster by Murray the cat.

The annual report, which details public spending on the monarchy’s property and travel, said Queen Elizabeth’s household costs taxpayers 36.7 million pounds in 2004-2005, a 100.000 pound saving from the previous year. 36.7 million pounds for what? The only thing the citizen’s get out of it is a weak/fish/hand wave once in a while, pictures of the young prince in a Nazi uniform and Prince Charles’s collection of handcuffs and whips that he and Camilla like to use. Why in the hell is the average Britain paying for the royals anyway? The Queen is the richest woman in the world – not counting Elton John. Why doesn’t she pay for her and her family’s life style? What does she do with her billions? Buy string bikinis?

The greatest criticism of royal spending is usually reserved for high transportation costs. This year’s report showed that chartering a flight for heir-to-be-the throne Prince Charles’s trip to Sri Lanka, Australia and Fiji had cost taxpayers over 292,000 pounds. Who cares if “beagle-ears” Charlie decided to take a vacation? Let him pay for it himself. The report said that the largest area of public funding was the 20 million pound Property Grant which meets the costs of maintenance, utilities, telephones, porno flicks, butt cream and related services of the royal palaces. Is there any purpose in the royals owning all those palaces? How many do they actually live in? They have more palaces than Saddam did. Why can’t they downsize and move into a nice condo? Sell the damn things and give the money back to the citizens. Donald Trump would probably buy a few just to keep his hair spray in.

Let’s reject the royals claim that their life style only costs each taxpayer 61 pence, or $1.12 a year, the same as a loaf of bread. Most Britain’s have more to do with their money than buy bread for Princess Anne to stuff in her horse face.

WAY TO GO TEAM!......

The news from Iraq goes from bad to worse. It’s considered a “winning day” when there are only 2 suicide bombings instead of the usual 5. Way to go, team!

House Republicans and Democrats blasted Marine Corps Generals for continuing equipment shortages, contending that vehicles in Iraq have not been outfitted with enhanced blast protection even though the additional armor has been sitting in a warehouse in Kuwait for two months. I guess the Generals thought they couldn’t make that kind of decision without be awarded another star. Here’s an idea, let make all the Pentagon brass ride through Baghdad in one of those poorly armored vehicles waiting to get their balls blown off. The problem would be solved immediately.

How long does it take the Pentagon to learn how to manage its supply chain? Isn’t two years enough? Those bozos couldn’t get a job as a greeter in Wal-Mart. “Too many soldiers have died in Iraq because they didn’t have the armor they needed”, screamed one congressman. Perhaps all our troops should put down their arms and refuse any more operations until the brass learns how to run the war. Didn’t George W. and Don Rumsfeld promise that the equipment shortage was corrected…six months ago? Way to go, team!

Ready for some more good news? It was reported that the pilot of a U.S. Air Force U-2 spy plane was killed in a crash while returning to a base in the United Arab Emirates. A U-2 SPY PLANE?????????? That’s right, pilgrim. The U.S. is still using the U-2 which was shot down over Russia in 1960. A forty-five year old airplane is still being used to win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Question: would you step aboard a 45-year old plane? So, while GIs are being killed because the latest in armor isn’t being sent to them, a plane older than Paris Hilton and her mother is still in use. The Bush Pentagon couldn’t win a war against that little principality in The Mouse That Roared.

The military is refusing to say where the U-2 went down. They probably don’t know. Apparently, the plane went down in a country whose government is friendly to the United States. That narrows the search considerably. Can’t be Europe, most of the Middle-East, South America, Canada, Mexico, Greenland and points west, east, south or north.

Isn’t it time that Washington realized we are in an un-winnable war in Iraq and Afghanistan? Opinion polls prove that less and less Americans support the war and think Iraq should be left to the Iraqis. Democracy has as much chance of working there as Mike Tyson does winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Moral is down. Military recruitment is at an all time low. Donald Trump fired more people this season than volunteered in recent months. Let’s cut our loses and find a better class of people to invade.

SADDAM IS QUITE A BOYCHICK......

If Saddam Hussein isn’t convicted by Iraq’s courts he can find work easily. It seems old Saddam has become a bearded Dear Abby while in prison. He is happy to dispense advice at the drop of suicide bomber.

It turns out that Saddam may have been a well known plunderer, rapist, pillager and otherwise nogoodnick but he also seems a bright lunatic.
According to the prison guards assigned to watch the former Iraq leader he is friendly, talkative and a “clean freak.” He has learned the names of the soldiers guarding him and has become interested in their lives and often offers fatherly advice. “You gotta find a woman. Not too smart, not too dumb, not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean.” Dr. Phil couldn’t have said it better.


Saddam loves Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast; hates fruit loops; can devour a large bag of Cheetos or Doritos before you can say Millard Hickenlooper. Its obvious Hussein has a sweet tusk.

Saddam does his own laundry. I wonder if they have soft water in his prison? He washes up constantly and uses diaper wipes to clean his meal trays, utensils and the table before eating. He’s frightened of germs which is more than can be said of his opinion of American forces before they invaded Iraq.

When coalition force tanks began rolling into Baghdad, Saddam went into action. No, he didn’t rush to a jet waiting to spirit him out of the country. He didn’t gather his Presidential Guard and attack. He jumped into a taxi cab. Talk about good planning? He probably got a cab driver, from another country, behind the wheel that didn’t speak Saddamese and had terrible body odor.
Something’s are the same in every country.

In any case, he barely made it to his underground, spider-hole hideout.
He’s still teed-off by the man who told American soldiers were he was hiding. Saddam still can’t believe that the stoolie, who he paid lots of money to, betrayed him. Bribe someone and they still turn on you….like I said, something’s are the same in every country. Saddam likes to compare himself to Jesus. How Judas told on Jesus. “That’s like it was for me. If my Judas never said anything, nobody ever would have found me.” So, this leader of the Axis of Evil would have been happy living in a hole in the ground and eating spider soufflé. Was this putz really that big a threat?

Wouldn’t you love to ask Hussein a couple of questions? Why the hell did you stay in Baghdad instead of taking the billions you had in your piggy bank and fly off to some exotic place and chill for the rest of your life? I’m sure Cleveland would have been happy to have him. Why didn’t you prepare an escape route and hideout? Running away by taking a cab and living in a hole in the ground gives murderous dictators a bad name. Oh, for the good, old days of King Farouk.

He also had some interesting opinions of American leaders. He admired President Reagan, thought Bill Clinton was okay but disliked George H. and George W. Bush. “The Bush father, son, no good.” Sadly, lots of Americans agree with Saddam. He also admires Oprah, Doyle Brunson, Jerry Vale and Pamela Anderson. Who doesn’t?

Saddam has gotten philosophical. He doesn’t hold any hard feelings and he just would like to talk to Bush, to make friends with him. Amen to that. Let’s get George W. and Saddam together to bond. They deserve each other.

GET ME AN AGENT THEN A GUN.....

We have become a country of rounders, grifters and con men and women.
No story or person can be taken at face value anymore. It seems everyone we read about or see on television has a hype up their sleeve. This mania for getting money out of a personal tragedy has reached epidemic proportions.

The latest beneficiary of this craze is Jennifer Wilbanks. She’s the woman who ran away from her upcoming wedding causing her home town, family and friends to believe that she was possibly kidnapped or murdered. The town spent nearly $43,000 to search for Jennifer. All the while Wilbanks, had taken a bus to Albuquerque, N.M. to hide out. She finally called home claiming to have been abducted and sexually assaulted. All a big lie. This wacko just got cold feet and left her fiancé, John Mason, and 600 wedding guests standing around with fingers up their buns.

Remember the pictures of Wilbanks when she was returned to Duluth? Her wide-eyed stare? Jennifer looked like she hadn’t blinked in eighteen years. Like she was struck repeatedly on the head with a frozen Stouffer’s lean cuisine. Instead of being disgraced, Wilbanks, was sentenced to two years of probation and 120 hours of community service. What community service can Jennifer provide? How to run the 100-yard dash? The media called her, “The Runaway Bride.” Julia Roberts, who starred in a successful movie called, “Runaway Bride” should sue Ms. Wilbanks for identity theft.

Jennifer just cashed in on her escapade. She signed a deal for a TV series about her misadventure. The deal was made with ReganMedia, which publishes books and produces TV shows and movies. Company President Judith Regan called the tale “an unexpected and compelling story of love and forgiveness.” Huh? What part of love deals with running away from a wedding? There’s very little ‘forgiveness’ in Duluth for Jennifer Wilbanks. People, who spent days searching for her, were furious when they found out the truth. News of this movie deal has infuriated local officials and residents.

This is just the start. People are now going to make film deals before they commit their con.

Just imagine the kids who are going to make deals with 20th Century Fox and Universal before claiming they were sexually abused?
If bank robbery becomes a hot box office subject – Miramax will probably make development deals with wannabe bank robbers.
Some sexual deviate will sign a book deal before he stands naked in front of the Lincoln Memorial and becomes sexually aroused.


This could mushroom into a financial bonanza. No self-respecting criminal will commit a crime without representation by William Morris or CAA. The Mafia will probably offer an IPO.

I just feel terrible for poor John Mason, a man who will spend the rest of his life with his testicles hanging from Jennifer’s rear view mirror.

GETTING OLD SUCKS......

At my age there aren’t a lot of things that excite or cause me to shout out “Whoopee.” Call it being jaded or cynical…whatever. I just don’t get stirred-up too often.

If I’m able to only 4 putt from six feet it’s a major victory. Watching the Food Network without gaining weight makes me a happy person. Being able to understand a word of any modern lyric gives me a warm feeling all over. Seeing a World’s Wrestling Federation match without throwing up is a huge accomplishment. Staying up past 11pm is a unique event. Of course, I have to stay in bed for the next week on the rare occurrences that that happens.

Some think that it’s natural to take things slow when one gets older. To smell the roses. To cherish the time left to us. I say to them, balderdash! A word not too often spoken anymore. Be honest. When was the last time you heard someone say, balderdash? Probably said at some charity minuet by a fellow with powdered hair and buckles on his shoes. So be it.

The world’s changing faster than the excuses George W. has come up with lately for invading Iraq. I can’t keep up with the fast pace of change. It seems like only yesterday that I was a supple, athletic fella who could touch his toes without a problem. I now have difficulty bending down and touching my waist. I hate it that everyday I read the obituaries…just in case. I remember when I could party with the best of them. Drink enough Tequila to drown Holland, without getting a headache. I could spend an entire night making love – and occasionally there was someone with me. Where have those good, old days gone?

I really dislike all this change. To be left behind. To be out of it. It’s something my generation faces every day. Can you imagine the helpless feeling I had when it was announced that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were celebrating their 19th birthday? 19? Can’t be. Seems like those cute little twin sisters were barely able to crawl a week ago. Being 19 is old. Some people should never get old. The Olsen twins; Dick Clark; Kermit and moi.

DR. PHIL...WE LOVE YOU......

Have you ever watched Dr. Phil on TV?

That’s really an oxymoron. If your television set has an ‘on’ button you can’t help but see Dr. Phil. Between his daily one hour show; re-runs of those shows; his prime time Specials; and his guest appearances, Phil, logs more air time than an irregularity commercial.

This Texas psychologist has become a cottage industry. His books are usually found on the best seller list, his CDs and tapes sell into the millions and he commands mucho bucks for public appearances. Dr. Phil is good: Bright, funny and very tall. His big breakthrough as a celebrity came when Oprah discovered him and he became a regular guest on her show. Some think that she probably has a piece of ownership of his television empire. Be that as it may, Dr. Phil is a winner.

He offers troubled husbands and wives, lovers, families and children help with their emotional problems. A quick fix and Americans love quick fixes. It’s also great television watching troubled people confessing things that would make a priest shudder and bolt from a confessional.

Obviously there’s something titillating observing people willing to talk about really personal, intimate, dysfunctional behavior. It’d be like spending a weekend with Britain’s Royal Family. Dr. Phil, and his guests, consider everything fair game. Nothing’s too salacious or sick to discuss before the millions watching. Hey, its show biz…it gets ratings. Dr. Phil does try to solve his guests’ problems or get them help. In the old days, the ‘help’ that Phil gets them, from therapy centers, group homes, psychiatrists, counselors, withdrawal facilities, etc., used to be called “product placement.”

Game and Quiz shows used to make lots of money by getting companies to offer free gifts and prizes to contestants. You remember: “Behind Door Number #1 is a free trip to beautiful, downtown Bosnia.” The sponsors climbed over one another to get their products free publicity while usually paying bribes to the producers to get on the air. Basically, that’s what Dr. Phil does every day. No, he doesn’t accept bribes but when he offers help he doesn’t pay for that help out of his pocket…it is donated by the health professionals wanting the publicity. Nothing wrong really – the sickies appearing on his show shouldn’t look a gift horse, or analyst, in the mouth. When Phil offers guests his latest book, CD, or video…it’s brilliant marketing by the mega-star.

I have nothing against Dr. Phil. He tries to help. However, did you ever wonder what really happens to the couples or families who were offered solutions and help to their problems? After appearing on The Dr. Phil Show are their lives really better? The answer probably is, no. Otherwise, you can bet the farm that Phil and his producers would bring them back to celebrate their happiness and healthiness. Proudly showing that his advice worked.
Once in a while they do a follow-up but not often. The only thing this cynical, old producer can deduce is that sadly the problems are often back and not solved. Instant therapy and simple solutions to major problems might make good TV but doesn’t have long term benefits.

I wonder what happened to a few of my favorites?

The sad, young boy who was teased unmercifully about his looks. His peers used to call him “Dog Face.” I understand he’s doing somewhat better but still likes to chase and catch Frisbees in his mouth.

That guy who was always self-destructive. Phil offered to pay for his therapy? Last seen he was sitting on an air hose hoping to blow himself up.

After Phil’s help, Helen, who had that severe case of bulimia made a recovery but it didn’t last. She’s now renting herself out as a twig.

Charles, the sexual deviate, recently died after having rough sex in a Barca Lounger with a Swedish fisherman.

Charlene, the nympho, was arrested again, this time for having intercourse with a pelican.

Let’s all beg Dr. Phil to keep up his good work.

MICHAEL TAKES A MOON WALK....

Much too many people’s surprise, Michael Jackson was found innocent of all charges against him. Actually, it shouldn’t have been that much of a shock. No celebrity, in recent memory, has been convicted of anything – except perhaps having no talent or having the money to hire a brilliant attorney.

So, like it or not – Michael was tried before a jury “of his peers” – in itself a frightening thought – and set free. Jackson took a moonwalk out of the court. Did the local D.A. screw up? Probably. He decided to try the case himself instead of assigning his top trial lawyer to do it. Tom Snedden claims that he was perfectly capable of prosecuting Jackson…after all he watched every episode of Matlock and Perry Mason.

His big mistake was that he got too ambitious and overcharged Michael Jackson. Instead of limiting the charges to molestation – where the evidence was strongest, his dislike of Jackson got in his way, and he also charged him with conspiracy and other bullshit things. The problem with the other charges, especially ‘conspiracy’ is that it brought into the trial the latest victim’s mother who apparently is a serial nutcase. This woman is even weirder than Michael. The jury was totally turned off by her behavior which resembled a patient from a mental home. Guess Snedden never learned that less is more.

Rumor has it that Pope Benedict called to congradulate Michael on his victory. He also urged him to join the Priesthood since it's a great way to meet young boys.

AND LEAVE THE DRIVING TO US.......

Let’s have a wet ovation for the 13 plucky Cubans who, for the third time in two years, tried to reach the United States by sailing a vintage car converted into a boat.

The 1949 Mercury with a prow attached was intercepted about 20 miles off Key West by the U.S. Coast Guard. A 1942 Mercury. Unbelievable. Those Cubans must really hate Fidel and what he’s done to that Island or maybe they had tickets to a Ricky Martin concert in Miami. I wonder how many fathoms that 1942 Mercury gets to the mile?

Don’t you think George W. should grant them political asylum for having the chutzpah to make the attempt? Actually, the car/boat with the prow attached looks a lot sportier than many of GM and Ford’s newest models. Most Mercury’s still driving in the U.S. today couldn’t make it through a car wash without leaking faster than the White House.

I wonder if those brave souls might try using a hybrid next time? Or, a convertible? While they’re trying to sail to freedom why not get a sun tan? I hope someone in the White House or congress insists that we don’t make the thirteen go back to Cuba. Hell, we let people illegally cross our borders every day – some of them are probably even terrorists……in the name of Ricky Ricardo let’s keep those amazing people here.

NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN SOMETHING...

I LOVE THE HISTORY CHANNEL. I REALLY DO. IF IT WAS BLONDE AND HAD BIG BREASTS I’D MARRY IT.

YOU CAN LEARN SO MUCH WATCHING IT. FOR INSTANCE; I LEARNED THAT ALEXANDER THE GREAT WAS REALLY VERY SHY AND PREFERED BEING CALLED “ALEXANDER THE BARELY ADEQUATE”; THAT THE REASON NAPOLEON KEPT A HAND IN HIS JACKET WAS HE LOVED TO PLAY WITH HIS NIPPLES. WHEN HE WAS HOME HE’D STICK CLOSED-PINS ON THEM; THAT JACK THE RIPPER WAS NOT A MURDEROUS FIEND BUT BELIEVED THAT WHORES REALLY LIKED TO OPEN UP TO STRANGERS.

OTHER CHANNELS THAT MIGHT BE OF INTEREST IS THE ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL. THEY DID A MONTH LONG DOCUMENTARY TRYING TO PROVE THAT SALLY STRUTHERS HAD TALENT. IT FAILED AS HER CAREER HAS.

THE POINT IS THAT IF YOU WATCH THESE CHANNELS YOU CAN LEARN AMAZING THINGS. STUFF NOT TAUGHT IN SCHOOL OR ON LARRY KING LIVE. WE SHOULD ALL BE OPEN FOR NEW HISTORICAL KNOWLEDGE. THE ONLY WAY TO DISPENSE WITH INCORRECT THEORIES IS TO WATCH CABLE NETWORKS.

CASE IN POINT. HISTORY CHANNEL HAD A VERY INTERESTING DOCUMENTARY ON ADOLPH HITLER. A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD FELLA. HISTORY WRITES THAT ADOLPH WAS AN INSANE PSYCHOPATH WHO HATED JEWS...AND MEAT. NOT NECCESSALLY IN THAT ORDER. WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT THERE WAS MORE TO ADOLPH THAN A FUNNY MUSTACHE AND A LOVE FOR DANCING. GO KNOW.

THE PRODUCER OF THIS DOCUMENTARY, A YOUNG WOMAN NAMED, BUNNY HIMMLER, CLAIMS THAT HITLER SUFFERED FROM EXTREME FLATULENCE! NOT JUST A CASE OF FARTING. NO, ADOLPH SUFFERED SO MUCH FROM EXTREME FLATULENCE THAT HIS WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HIS GAS. TURNS OUT HE DIDN’T HATE JEWS AT ALL. HOWEVER, WHENEVER HE ATE CABBAGE SOUP OR TZIMMIS HE WAS UNDER SUCH STOMACH PAIN THAT HE BLEW HOLES IN HIS LEDERHOSEN. HIS GENERALS, WHO COULDN’T UNDERSTAND ‘FART’, THOUGHT HE WAS ORDERING THEM TO INVADE POLAND. THOSE IDIOT NAZIS COULDN’T READ, SMELL OR UNDERSTAND A SIMPLE FART FROM UNDERSTANDING A WORD THAT RINGO STARR EVER SAID.

SO, HISTORY SEEMS TO PROVE THAT HITLER NEVER INTENDED TO KILL, 8 MILLIONS JEWISH PEOPLE . HE WAS JUST TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EAT A FATTY CORNED BEEF SANDWICH.

LIKE I SAID THE HISTORY CHANNEL IS FASCINATING. IT CAN TEACH ALL OF US A LOT. KEEP AN OPEN MIND AND AN OPEN ASSHOLE. STOP WATCHING DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND START WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

BANG, BANG, YOU'RE ALIVE

If it's not the LAPD, it's the L.A. Sheriff's Department screwing up big time. The citizens of L.A. deserve better from their law enforcement officers. When an embarrassing incident happens the Police Chief or Sheriff apologizes and promises a full investigation. They also pledge their officers will get more training and work harder. Yeah, right. Poor guys, they apologize more than Jimmy Swaggert when he's caught with a hooker.

A few weeks ago in Compton sheriff deputies were persuing an SUV while responding to a call of gunfire. Gunfire in Compton is about as regular as someone drinking twelve gallons of Metamucil. The driver of the SUV, Winston Hayes, was driving around his neighborhood for about 4-hours playing loud music from his car's stereo. When the sheriffs arrived, Hayes began playing cat and mouse with them refusing to stop his car. Residence in the neighborhood believed he was showing off, teasing the officers and was probably drunk. Hayes is known for liking his screw-top bottles. Big mistake, Winston, baby.

The cops finally hemmed him in and as they called for him to leave his vehicle a shot rang out. Bystanders claim that one of the sheriffs accidently tripped and his firearm discharged.
Ten sheriffs immediately began firing at and into the SUV thinking they were under attack. They weren't, of course. Hayes was unarmed and 120 rounds were fired into the car. Osama Bin Laden doesn't look anything like old Winston, but in the dark...............

Sheriff Lee Baca is trying to determine if his deputies' amount of gunfire was excess. I think the Taliban use less bullets in Iraq. The result of this "gunfight at the O.K. Corral" was: 5 houses on the block were wounded; a deputy received a slight wound when a fellow officer's bullet struck part of his protective vest. Some protective vest...where does the Sheriff's department buy them, Toys-R-Us? Winston Hayes received 4 minor sounds to his toe, finger and shoulder. His "toe"?

The great tragedy in the incident was not that an unarmed citizen was fired upon. Hell, that happens every day in Los Angeles. what we all should be disgusted, angry and furious about is that 10 deputies firing 120 rounds could only slightly wound their target. Winston should have looked like a Swiss steak for crying out loud.

Take any 10 people from a senior citizens home, some with Parkinsons, hand them guns and have them fire 120 times and I'll bet they'd kill Winston dead. I suggest that Sheriff Baca get better shooters in his department or have their grandparents show 'em how to.

J EDGAR HOOVER WHERE ARE YOU WHEN WE NEED YA?

Everyone believes that the FBI spends much of its time trying to track down potential terrorists, bank robbers, forgers, kidnappers and other assorted nogoodnicks. The G-Men's annual budget is almost as much as Paris Hilton's allowance. Okay, we all love Elliot Ness' image of the FBI and feel comfort that they are working 24/7 to protect us.

The FBI just announced indictments against 3 New York doctors for....ready for this?.......supplying the Gambino crime family with penile dysfunction medication. Apparently, the FBI believes the "axis of evil" should now include mobster types who can't get it up. All of us have heard about the long, strong tentacles of La Costra Nostra. Guess what? If these charges are true their tentacles aren't so long or strong. More like limp and flaccid.

It kind of makes you wonder. Is arresting some sawbones for getting Viagra for Cheech and Tony that important? Doen't the FBI have more important things to do? This might explain the age old gesture of gangsters grabbing their genitals all the time. Instead of insulting someone they might just be checking that they still have genitals.

Don't be surprised if the Gambino Family's name is changed to The Village People. Their next Godfather might be Richard Simmons.

I LOVE PARIS IN THE.........

I am sooooooooo happy for the Hiltons. What a mitzvah that their daughter Paris announced that she's getting engaged. Initially her parents weren't going to name her Paris...they had decided on naming her after one of their favorite places....but, they couldn't fit Bangladesh on her solid gold teething ring.

Paris Hilton has done as much for the reputation of women as Jeffrey Dahlmer did for the Meat Producer's Association. This vacuous blonde first made headlines in a homemade porno flick as she tried to go down on a boyfriend. I say, "tried", because between fixing her hair and looking into the camera she barely touched his penis with her botox filled lips. It just might go down (no pun intended) as the worst blow job in modern history. Imagine how proud Mr. and Mrs. Hilton must have been as their teenage daughter made national headlines sucking some guys cock? Tackiness doesn't fall far from the tree...remember, Grandpa Conrad was once married to Zsa Zsa.

America's in worse shape than we thought. Everything this dimwit blonde does is important news. She has her own line of cosmetics, perfume and is spokeperson for the auto maker Bentley. Instead of Pat Robinson and Jerry Fallwell wailing about stem cell research why don't they rail against the media for encouraging Paris' escapades? The big mistake was that her father and mother didn't beat her with a Louisville slugger the first time Paris opened her mouth and said something idiotic. In her case that was probably the first words she uttered.

Is Paris Hilton spoiled? Is she self-indulged? Is she the biggest hype since Millie/Vanilli? Mit out question. Does anyone really give a crap about anything she says or does? For those who thought that little Paris would one day wake up from her stupor and settle down to a normal life -- losaluck! No, she didn't decided to get engaged to some ordinary guy working in a gas station or Starbucks. Paris decided on some greek shipping billionaire. Surprise.

I can only wish that his ships get torpedoed and the price of oil sinks quicker than a Mafia victim in the East River. I really hope that Paris and her beau have a fairytale wedding. They kiss, turn into frogs and we'll never have to see or hear from them again.

ignorance is bliss!

Topeka, Kansas which is a toddling , vibrant and forward thinking town has once again proven that rasing corn and wheat kills brain cells.

Topeka's Board of Education, much to the embarrassment of the State's Governor, has decided the teaching of evolution should be abolished. A majority of the Board are religious conservatives and born again zealots and want to throw out the teaching of evolution. They insist that alternate theories of creation whould be presented in their schools. Some members of the Board must believe that Paula Abdul giving head to an American Idol contestant was responsible for the "big bang."

Many of these same people tried to evoke the memory of the Scopes trial in Topeka years ago but fortunately were voted out of office. Like a bad case of genital herpies they waited in the dark and popped up un-welcomed and unannounced to spring their religious ignorance on the good citizens of Topeka.

To hell with scientific theory and progress. These numbnuts are willing to become a laughing stock to any American with an I.Q. larger than their neck size. Isn't it time that all Kansans including Dorothy, Toto and Bob Dole send these ignorant fools packing? Let's all click our heels and make them disappear.