DON'T BELIEVE ALL YOU DON'T SEE.

Like any red blooded American Geezer, I love a good suspenseful mystery. You probably do, too. Because I was brought up on movies, like Sherlock Holmes, TV shows like Twilight Zone and books by any number of great mystery writers of the 40s and 50s. It’s one of the reasons I find it difficult to watch today’s so-called mystery films. The last one I attempted to see dealt with a ‘master criminal’ who was convicted of breaking a Toby mug. Oy vey!

Actually, The Da Vinci Code was a brilliant mystery novel which caused lots of controversy because of its subject matter. Loved the book and hated the movie. The mystery dealt with Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” – a 15th-Century mural painting that depicts Jesus telling his apostles that one of them would betray him. The famous fresco is already the focus of mythical speculation after author Dan Brown based his book around the painting, arguing in the novel that Jesus married his follower, Mary Magdelene, and fathered a child by her. Scholars and church officials were outraged by Brown’s book and the suggestion that Jesus married anyone. One Vatican big shot accused Brown of heresy and insisted that Dan show an official wedding invitation from the nuptials...”or keep his friggin’ yap shut!”

This didn’t end the arguments. Now Slavisa Pesci (no relation to Joe) an information technologist and amateur scholar – how does one become an ‘amateur’ scholar? Do they study but just for fun? – Slavisa claims superimposing the “Last Supper” with its mirror-image throws up another picture containing a figure that looks like a Templar knight and another holding a small baby. Wow! “I came across it by accident, from one of the details you can infer that we are not talking about chance but about precise calculation,” Pesci told journalists when he unveiled his theory last week.

In the superimposed version, he says, a figure on Christ’s left appears to be cradling a baby it its arms. But made no suggestion this could be Christ’s child. It occurs to me that maybe the kid’s parent asked John the Baptist to watch the baby while he took a dump. Judas, whose imminent betrayal of Christ is the force breaking the right-hand line of the original fresco, appears in an empty space on the left in the reverse image version. And Pesci also suggests that the superimposed version shows a goblet before Christ and illustrates when Christ blessed bread and wine at a supper with his disciples for the first Eucharist. The original Da Vinci depicts Christ when he predicts that one among them will betray him.

Don’t know about you but I’m confused as hell about anything superimposed. There was only one thing for me to do – as an amateur sleuth – which means I solve crimes whenever I try to return a tic tac – I did my own experiment. I stole the original “Last Supper” fresco, held a make-up mirror up to it and…are you ready?....indeed found some weird goings on. This whole thing is obviously a con job concocted by Pesci who hasn’t been able to get good film roles lately to get some publicity.

The so-called ‘baby’ in someone’s arms turns out to be a seeded rye bread and the figure that looks like a Templar Knight is in reality some bimbo wearing a Hooters t-shirt.

It’s pretty sick for a desperate poor soul to try and spoil the beliefs of others just to get their name in the papers. The next thing someone will claim is that Da Vinci’s Last Supper is a number painting. Sherlock Holmes or Humphrey Bogart would have solved this so-called mystery before you could dip into your popcorn bag.

BAD SANTA

I LOVE HEARING ABOUT SOME SLIMEBALL WHO HAS DONE SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS TO SHOCK SOCIETY. AT MY AGE GETTING MY ROCKS OFF – IN MY CASE IT’S MORE LIKE PEBBLES OFF – IS NOTHING TO BE SNEEZED AT.

UNTIL THIS LATEST ESCAPED – THE GONIF WHO RAISED TWO MILLION DOLLARS FROM SUCKERS AFTER PROPOSING TO DO A MUSICAL, BASED ON “ROBERT’S RULES OF ORDER,” WAS MY FAVORITE CON JOB. BUT, WAIT:

THE GEEZER HAS JUST HEARD ABOUT A MAN WHO GOES AROUND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS FOR A LIVING AND SCAMMING PEOPLE. CAN YOU IMAGINE AN INTELLIGENT MAN DECIDING TO MAKE HIS LIVELYHOOD PLAYING MR. CLAUS? DID HE WAKE UP ONE MORNING, SHAKE HIS WIFE AND SAY, “HO-HO-HO”? IT SEEMS THIS FORMER SCHMATTE SALESMAN WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF FATHER CHRISTMAS. HIS BEARD WAS WHITE; HIS CHEEKS WERE ROSY – ALTHOUGH HE WAS ACCUSED OF USING BLUSH AND HIS BELLY SHOOK WHEN HE LAUGHED. KNOWING HE COULDN’T LIVE ON HIS BINGO WINNINGS HE SAID, “VOT DA HELL. I’LL BE THAT BOYCHICK SANTA CLAUS.” THE INTERESTING THING IS HE ISN’T JEWISH.

INSTEAD OF BEING THE NORMAL SANTA WE SEE DURING THE HOLIDAYS WHO RINGS HIS BELL COLLECTING MONEY FOR CHARITY – OR – EMPLOYED BY A STORE TO HAVE CHILDREN TAKE PICTURES WHILE SITTING ON HIS LAP – THIS MOMSER ACTUALLY HANDED OUT A MENU OF WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF MONEY. IF YOU PAID HIM $5.00 HE WOULD SAY “HO”. IN ORDER TO HEAR HIM SAY, “HO, HO, HO” IT COST $35.00. TO LISTEN TO A TYKE ASK SANTA FOR A SPECIFIC TOY FOR CHRISTMAS, IT’D COST THE PARENTS $50.00. THIS SHTICK DREK WAS THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD BREAK INTO A BAKERY AND SUCK THE JELLY OUT OF DONUTS.

I HOPE THE SANTA CLAUS GUILD BARES HIM FROM EVER WORKING AGAIN. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY BLITZEN AND RUDOLPH. I HOPE THE ELVES BASH HIS HEAD IN WHILE HE’S YODELING. I, AM, PISSED OFF. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

A NAME IS A NAME IS A......

Names can be very deceiving. For instance, there was a famous Congressman named, U.S. Grant Washington…talk about a patriotic name….it brings up images of a battleship or aircraft carrier – anyway, he was forced to resign his seat when it was discovered that he double-dated with Leon Trotsky.

“Curly” Hamilton played baseball for the Cleveland Indians, in the early 60s, and was as bald as a billiard ball. He used to wear a hairpiece that looked like he ordered it by dialing: 1-800-toupees.

Why this examination of names? There’s a nice little town in Massachusetts called, Braintree and its citizens have always been proud to say they came from Braintree. Somehow, they felt that if they lived there some of the ‘brain’ in the name might rub off. Not so. The Braintree High School scholar of the year claim to fame was that he could sing the words to “RagMop” in either Yiddish or Urdu.

Do you think the town’s elders were embarrassed by him? Hell, no. You want embarrassed? The Braintree fire department recently decided to test their skills at firefighting. Many fire departments, all over the country, practice using their equipment and manpower to keep sharp in case of emergencies. The local fire engine drove to a vacant house, cut holes in the roof and walls, broke window to practice procedures in case of a major home fire. One problem. They had just destroyed the wrong house. They were supposed to be 2 blocks away at a house slated for demolition.

This mistake is perfectly logical to the Geezer. Sitting next to some Dalmatian, farting in your face could make anyone lose their sense of direction. The owners of the newly torn-up house want the city to pay for the damage. No way! It seems the house had been vacant since an electrical fire last year left a scorch mark up one side. The knee-high grass hadn’t been cut in a month. The owners claim they were planning a renovation on the house. The Braintree fire department’s goof made the renovations easier. Most of the work is already done.

WATCH YO MOUTH!

AS YOU LOYAL READERS KNOW, YOUR BRILLIANT YET HUMBLE CORRESPONDENT IS A WORDSMITH. THE DERIVATION AND USE OF WORDS AND PHRASES MAKES ME TWITCH LIKE SOMEONE CLUTCHING THE THIRD RAIL.

DICTIONARIES, ENCYCLOPEDIAS, AND ALMANACS ARE TURN-ONS. EUPHEMISMS AND THE ORIGINS OF EXPRESSIONS AND FIRST-KNOWN USES ARE MORE ENJOYABLE THAN WATCHING BILL O’REILLY GET HIS CRINOLINE OUT OF SHAPE.

APOSTROPHES, SEMICOLONS, AND DANGLING PARTICIPLES BRING A TEAR TO MY EYE. I, OF COURSE, AM WELL KNOWN FOR MY DANGLING PARTICIPLE – MORE ABOUT THAT ANOTHER TIME.

JUST THE OTHER DAY I HEARD SOMEONE UTTER THE OATH…”JESUS H. CHRIST.” MY BRAIN BEGAN HEATING UP – WHERE DID THAT PHRASE COME FROM? ANY OF YOU WHO WATCH OLD VICTURE MATURE BIBLE FILMS KNOW THAT MEN AND WOMEN WEREN’T REFFERED TO BY ANY LAST NAME – THEY USUALLY WERE KNOWN FOR THEIR HOME TOWN. SAUL OF GAUL; OR EVEN BY THEIR PROFESSIONS: SHEILA THE MAKER OF GRUEL. SO, TO BE CORRECT THIS FELLOW SHOULD OF SHOUTED, “JESUS OF NAZARETH!”...WHILE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS NEIGHBOR’S KID. CHRIST WAS A NAME GIVEN TO JESUS BY HIS RELIGIOUS FOLLOWERS – EITHER THAT OR IN THE SCHOOL YARD – I FORGET WHICH. THE POINT IS CHRIST WAS NOT HIS GIVEN OR FAMILY NAME.

THAT GOT ME THINKING: JESUS H. CHRIST. WHERE DID THE “H” COME FROM? HIS FATHER AND MOTHER’S NAMES WERE JOSEPH AND MARY OF NAZARETH. WHAT’S WITH THIS DANGLING – H? WHO ADDED IT TO LITTLE JESUS’ MONICKER?
I IMMEDIATELY TOOK OUT ALL MY BOOKS ON SANSKRIT AND MY AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS. IT TOOK ME MONTHS – BUT GUESS WHAT? THE GEEZER ACTUALLY FOUND THE DERIVATION OF THE “H” IN THAT POPULAR PHRASE. IT SEEMS MARY AND JOSEPH WAS IN A DITHER ABOUT THEIR SON, JESUS. HE REFUSED TO HELP IN THE FAMILY BUSINESS…ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND IN A SACK CLOTH, SMELLY SANDALS AND BOAST THAT HE WAS THE SON OF GOD. “YEAH, RIGHT,” SAID OTHERS, “AND WE’RE PRESIDENT OF THE FRANKIE AVALON FAN CLUB.” HIS MOM AND DAD ALSO CRIED BECAUSE HE LIKED TO HANG FROM WOODEN CROSSES WHICH THEY FELT WOULD BRING HIM NO LUCK.

THE “H” MY DEAR READERS IS THE FIRST INITIAL FOR JESUS’ MIDDLE NAME, HERBIE. YES, THE LEADER OF THE CHRISTIAN WORLD’S MIDDLE NAME IS HERBIE. HOW ABOUT THAT? THAT’S WHAT A LITTLE EDUCATION AND A BRICK UPSIDE THE HEAD CAN BRING YOU IF YOU ARE AT ALL CURIOUS. ONCE AGAIN THE OLD GEEZER PROVES THAT HIS BLOG IS THE NUTS.

KISS YOUR GRITS!

I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF MANY SORDID, ILLEGAL ACTIONS BY JEALOUS LOWLIFES. THE ONE THAT HURTS THE MOST IS THE LIE THAT I WAS CHARGED WITH THE CRIME OF SODOMY…WHEN I WAS ALONE. FAMOUS GEEZERS ACCEPT THESE PREVARICATIONS…ITS PART OF CELEBRITY. TAKE POOR PARIS HILTON….PLEASE!!!!!!

I HAVE A RECORD OF BEING ROUGH ON THE SOUTH AND SOUTHERNERS. I DIDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND DECIDE THAT IT WAS MY LOT IN LIFE TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT MANY OF THE RETARDS LIVING SOUTH OF THE MASON/DIXON LINE. RETARDS IN THE SOUTH ARE AN OXYMORON.

I WAS VERY EXCITED RECENTLY TO HEAR THAT ONCE AGAIN I MISSED THE ANNUAL “REDNECK GAMES” THAT IS HELD IN EAST DUBLIN, GEORGIA. IF YOU HAVEN’T ATTENDED ONE OF THESE CHIC DOOS – CONTESTANTS AFTER YEARS OF SLAVING AWAY, DRINKING BEER TO BUILD THAT PERFECT BODY HAVE PAID OFF. A BIG BEER BELLY IS AN ASSET IN THE REDNECK GAMES…IT GIVES YOU AN EDGE IN THE MUD PIT BELLY FLOP CONTEST. (A WORD OF WARNING – IF YOU EAT THE FRIED ALLIGATOR ON A STICK THAT’S SERVED AT THE FESTIVAL, WAIT HALF AND HOUR BEFORE ENTERING THE CONTEST. IT COULD GET UGLY.) LET’S RECAP: THE REDNECK GAMES HONORS FAT, RENECKS WHO THINK ALLIGATOR ON A STICK IS A GOURMET TREAT.

THE GAMES KICK OFF WITH THE CEREMONIAL LIGHTING OF THE BBQ GRILL BY A PROPANE TORCH PARTIALLY OUT OF BUDWEISER CANS AND PROUDLY HELD BY ‘MISS BEER BELLY’ OF THE YEAR. THE REST OF THE DAY IS DEVOTED TO GRUELING COMPETITION – INCLUDING BOBBING FOR PIG’S FEET; DUMPTSER DIVING, ARMPIT FARTING (A RECENT WINNER PLAYED THE ENTIRE THEME SONG OF “GREEN ACRES.”) AMERICAN IDOL LOOK OUT! A BIG HAIR CONTEST AND THE YEARLY TOBACCO VOMITING CONTEST. TALK ABOUT FUN?

WINNERS OF THE VARIOUS COMPETITIONS WALK AWAY WITH BRAGGING RIGHTS AND A TROPHY OF A CRUSHED (BUT SADLY) BUD LIGHT CAN.

BEFORE YOU START KICKING YOURSELF IN YOUR COVERALLS – HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED IN THIS YEAR’S REDNECK GAMES: REDNECK HORSEHOES (HOPEFULLY WITH THE HORSE STILL WEARING THEM); HUBCAP HURL; MUD PIT BELLY FLOP; ARMPIT SERENADE, BUTT CRACK CEMPETITION….AND ON AND ON.

FRIENDS, ANY OF YOU WHO THOUGHT ME TOO ROUGH ON THE SOUTH OWE ME BIG TIME. KISS MY GRITS!